Pilot [1.1]

Hannah Horvath: [to her parents] I don't want to freak you out, but I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least, a voice of a generation.

Hannah: Didn't you say that texting was the lowest form of communication on the pillar of chat?

Marine: The totem of chat. No, the lowest, that would be Facebook, following by gchat, then texting, then email, then phone. Face to face is of course ideal, but it's not of this time.

Vagina Panic [1.2]

Hannah: I have a very bad fear of AIDS.

Gynecologist: Have you known someone with AIDS?

Hannah: It's more of a Forrest Gump based fear. That's what Robin Wright Penn's character died of.

Marnie: I was just thinking, I've been sexually irresponsible enough in my life thus far that I should have gotten pregnant by now and I never have. Like, I get my period at the same time, on the same day, of every monthly cycle, my entire life, like it's never strayed from that.

Hannah: Then you're really lucky. I never know when I'm going to get my period and it's always a surprise and that's why all my underwear are covered in weird stains.

All Adventurous Women Do [1.3]

Hannah: I'm just worried that if we see each other we're going to end up having sex.

Shoshanna: Well, like, that's OK because you both already have HPV.

Hannah: God, that's a really good point.

Elijah: I'm my authentic self. I am being my authentic self.

Hannah: If you had been this gay in college, I would have known because I have two eyeballs, two ears..."

Elijah: You might want to take some steps back through your other boyfriends, and not for nothing, maybe take a look at your dad.

Hannah: You didn't just...?

Elijah: I did.

Hannah: In what way does my father read gay to you?

Elijah: Ah, well, he has a stud in his ear.

Hannah: He got it on a trip he took with his male friends... I heard what that sounded like, I know what that sounded like. You know what I'm going to do from now on, ask people if they're gay before I have sex with them.

Elijah: Good luck with that.

Hannah's Diary [1.4]

Adam (to Hannah): What do you want?

Hannah: I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.

Shoshanna: I'm like the least virginy virgin ever.

Jessa: You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday, even on the days you don't feel like it.

Hard Being Easy [1.5]

Hannah: Okay I don't wanna split hairs here, but it's not a journal, it's a notebook. It's notes for a book.

Ray: I don't like it when you assfucked my best friend in the heart.

Marnie: What are you like in love with him?

Ray: More than you are!

The Return [1.6]

Hannah Horvath: [to herself] You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting. Okay? It is not up to you to fill all of the pauses. You are not in danger of mortifying yourself. The worst stuff that you say, sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.

Hannah: Why is everyone struggling in New York? Why don't we all just move here and start the revolution?

Welcome to Bushwick a.k.a. The Crackcident [1.7]

Jessa: [to Shoshanna] Are you alright?

Shoshanna: I think so, I'm really, really high, like out of my mind high, I smoked some pot in line to the bathroom which is so dirty - do not go in there unless it's an emerg - with these guys in line to the bathroom and they gave me some pot out of a pipe - but it was this stem - it was stem, it was a stem.

Ray: [to Jessa] I don't think she's high on marijuana. [to Shoshanna] Was it a crack stem?

Shoshanna : No.

Ray: Did you smoke crack? Little white rocks?

Shoshanna : No! It was a glass cigarette and I'm high and my ears feel like popping, do you ears feel like popping?

Jessa Johansson: Look at me - you smoked crack. You smoked some crack.

Shoshanna : [pause] Oh my God, don't tell my mom. Don't even tell me. I matriculated from NYU and I just smoked crack, what's going to happen?

Jessa : You're going to be fine. crack can be really fun, under the right circumstances, and it only lasts a little while and I'll take care of you. I will be your crack spirit guide.

Marnie (to Charlie): All I ever wanted for you was to find satisfaction outside of our relationship.

Shoshanna: I could massage your groin in a non-sexual way.

Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too [1.8]

Jessa: You look... really gorgeous. I love you all stripped down.

Marnie: I've never been as miserable in my life.

Jessa: It's totally working.

Marnie: That isn't fun for me, being the uptight girl. I hate it.

[In Thomas-John's apartment]

Thomas-John: [To Marnie] Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Brooke Shields?

Marnie: Actually, yeah. Thank you.

Thomas-John: You're welcome. [to Jessa] And you... Julie Christie.

Jessa: [looking decidedly uncomfortable] Good reference.

Thomas-John: [running his hand over her stomach] Equal in beauty -

Jessa: [sitting up abruptly] Okay, that's our cue to go. Thank you so much.

Marnie: No, wait, we don't - we don't have to go.

Jessa: I think we have outstayed our welcome.

Thomas-John: No.

Jessa: It's, um... Th-thank you so much, you've been so -

[Marnie takes hold of her head, turns it rounds to face her and kisses her on the mouth. Jessa is startled by this, and kisses her again. They start making out]

Thomas-John: Just follow your instincts, Brooke...

[thinking they are initiating a threesome, he tries twice to get involved, but each time, Jessa stops him. Eventually, he tries to grab Marnie's breast, causing her to flinch and knock a glass over, spilling wine on his rug]

Thomas-John: Are you fucking serious? This is... a 10,000 dollar rug! This is a very fucking expensive rug! If you're gonna spill stuff on it, you gotta look more sorry than that!

Marnie: I'm sorry.

Jessa: She's sorry.

Thomas-John: [going into his kitchen to get something to clean up] You know what? If you were really sorry, you'd be planning to make this a very special night, for all of us. Not just you and fucking Missy Malone! All of us! No more excluding me, Mary Poppins! It's not fair! I wanna be part of the group!

Jessa: That... will never happen.

Leave Me Alone [1.9]

Jessa: I was only attracted to him for, like, several minutes when I first met him, but I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them. And then it wore off. It always wears off.

Jessa Johansson: Your boyfriend should kill himself. You deserve it.

She Did [1.10]

Adam Driver: Holding on to toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing.

Hannah (to Marnie): You don't have a plan.

Marnie: I think maybe that's a good thing for me.

Shoshanna: Everyone's a dumb whore.

It's About Time [2.1]

Marnie: I had a bad breakup. It's okay I think we're gonna be able stay friends you know, but I'm not gonna do what Hannah does and order six pizzas to make myself feel better.

Elijah (to Hannah): I'm sorry I have a boner. It's not for you.

Shoshanna: I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued.

I Get Ideas [2.2]

Jessa: All that matters are that your rising signs are compatible, the sex is decent and he supports you creatively.

Shoshanna: What's better than bathing a pig?

Hannah: I know I always said he was murdery in a sexy way, but maybe he's murdery in a murder way.

Bad Friend [2.3]

Hannah: It's a Wednesday night baby and I'm alive!

Elijah: We're just all living in Hannah's world! And it's all Hannah, Hannah, Hannah all the time.

Hannah: I'm planning on writing an article that exposes all my vulnerabilities to the entire internet.

It's A Shame About Ray [2.4]

Shoshanna: What's a butt plug?

Jessa: Oooh, I hate when people are early. It's so vile.

Hannah: There are certain people who are meant to remain in your past. I made a mistake trying to repurpose you.

One Man's Trash [2.5]

Hannah: Please don't tell anyone this, but I wanna be happy.

Boys [2.6]

Shoshanna: Okay, seriously, I cannot believe I have a friend who signed a book deal. It's so adult and intriguing.

Jessa: This book doesn't matter, that's the first thing you need to know. It's not gonna matter to the people who read it or to you.

Hannah (to Jessa): You are so mean when you're depressed.

Video Games [2.7]

Hannah: And I'm starving because all you have to eat in your house is your pet rabbit and I'm an undiagnosed hypoglycemic. Then we come into this graveyard and I feel like we're in "Hocus Pocus" and Thora Birch is gonna come and wear her little hat.

Hannah: It's like my worst nightmare as a kid, being the last one to be picked up from like school or some social event. Then all these adults know about your sad home life and your irresponsible parents.

It's Back [2.8]

Ray (to Marnie): Turn this potential energy into kinetic energy.

Marnie: You know who ends up living their dreams? Sad messes like Charlie.

On All Fours [2.9]

Natalia: I'm ready to have sex now.

Shoshanna: I'm socializing. I'm sorry if that's not working for you, my social butterflyness.

Shoshanna (to Charlie): Okay, I don't want this to be awkward, but like you look amazing. Like seriously, you could have sex with like any girl at this party including me. Oh my God.

Together [2.10]

Hannah: You're here.

Adam: Well, I was always here.

Shoshanna: I can't be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a fully formed woman. You hate everything!

Females Only [3.1]

Shoshanna: Basically it’s been a very sexually adventurous time for me. I’m alternating nights of freedom with nights of academic focus. So at the end of my senior year, I will have had both experiences while also still being super well prepared for the professional world.

Adam: I don’t hate your friends. I’m just not interested in anything they have to say.

Hannah: I’m not interested in anything they have to say! That’s not the point of friendship.

Hannah: I feel like I hold the keys to the prison that is my mind.

Adam (to Marnie): Really knowing someone is something else. It’s a completely different thing and when it happens you won’t be able to miss it. You will be aware. And you won’t hurt or be afraid. Okay?

Truth or Dare [3.2]

Shoshanna: Adam, you’re like so dementedly helpful.

Shoshanna: My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull and she always tells me she hasn’t had one and she tells like with a blue tongue.

Marnie: Since when is Jessa even a drug addict?

Hannah: She’s really just a life addict.

She Said OK [3.3]

Hannah: You should feel very confident because I am a lot better at this when I'm not in the middle of an Obsessive Compulsive Meltdown.

Shoshanna: It's really amazing that all three of you have accomplished so little in the four years since college.

Dead Inside [3.4]

Marnie: Fancy people want to work with me, so I’m gonna give them that pleasure and I’m gonna go work with them. So fuck you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video.

Shoshanna: I feel like my bandana collection is like my most developed collection.

Only Child [3.5]

Jessa: This is a space cigarette invented by Stephen Dorff. It's just water vapor and good things like that.

Hannah: It's just crazy that you don't know the depth of someone's power until their funeral. It's so sad.

Shoshanna: My recent hijinks have really taken a toll on my GPA!

Free Snacks [3.6]

Hannah: Yeah, but I wouldn't call this a corporate job. I mean it's GQ Magazine. It's a literary institution.

Jessa: Oh, that's amazing. It's really hard for a jew to gain respect in sports.

Beach House [3.7]

Marnie: Guys, we're so disconnected. I thought this would just be a nice opportunity for us to have fun together and prove to everyone via Instagram that we could still have fun as a group.

Marnie: Where's Jessa? Did she not even show?

Hannah: No, she just insists on sitting in the back of the bus for political reasons.

Incidentals [3.8]

Hannah: This is how much money I make a week? This is a lot more than my rent. This is insane, I'm just gonna like walk into a store in the Meatpacking district and make it rain!

Hannah (about Adam): I'd say in some ways he's the most mature person I've ever met and in other ways he's not yet been born.

Flo [3.9]

Adam: The only thing I remember about my grandma is that she had rough skin and spit a lot.

Hannah: My grandma's very neat and she had skin like a kitten's ear.

Grandma Flo (to Hannah): Wow you look nice, what did you do?

Hannah: Oh, I gained fifteen pounds.

Role-Play [3.10]

Shoshanna (to Jessa): You look like a junkie.

Jessa: I am a junkie.

Hannah: What drama? This is just me?

Adam: Exactly.

Adam: It smells like Marnie's. It smells like cookies and air freshener.

I Saw You [3.11]

Shoshanna: I mean like Adam's about to be on Broadway, Marnie's clearly about to be a pop star and I don't know, you were supposed to be the famous artist in this group and now you're just working in advertising.

Hannah: Am I seriously the only one of us who prides herself on being a truly authentic person?

Two Plane Rides [3.12]

Hannah: It's made me want to find a hole in the world, in the shape of me and just fill it up.

Hannah (to Adam): I know that this is complicated, but I also know that we can work it out.

Adam: Well, I'm sick of trying to work it out. Can't one thing ever be easy with you?

Marnie: If you're here to tell me what a bad person I am, I don't wanna hear it. Seriously I know and no, I have not told Shoshanna yet but I will and I fucking know I have to do it. And I know that I need to have more respect for the emotional property of other women and I know that I use sex for validation because it's what I do.

American Bitch [6.3]

Hannah: When I was in fifth grade, I had this English teacher, Mr.Lasky.He liked me. He was impressed with me. I did, like, special creative writing. I wrote, like, a little novel or whatever. Sometimes when he was talking to the class, he'd stand behind me and he'd just, like, rub my neck. Sometimes he'd, like, rub my head, rustle my hair. And I didn't mind. It made me feel special. It made me feel like someone saw me and they knew that I was gonna grow up and be really, really particular. It also made kids hate me and put lasagna in my fucking backpack, but that's a different story. Anyway, last year, I'm at this, like, whatever, warehouse party in Bushwick, and this dude comes up to me and he's like, "Horvath, "we went to middle school together, East Lansing." And I'm like, "Oh, my God, remember how crazy Mr. Lasky's class was? "He was basically trying to molest me. " And you know what this kid said? He looks at me in the middle of this fuckin' party like he's a judge and he goes, "That's a very serious accusation, Hannah. " And he walked away. And there I am, and I'm just 11 again, and I'm just getting my fuckin' neck rubbed. Because that stuff never goes away.