Prototype [1.01]

Max: What's a period?

George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

[Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]

Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.

George: What are you doing?

[George takes the hot dogs]

Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn! Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!

George: Didn't you change the blade?

Carmen: No, was I supposed to?

George: Sweetheart. That was the blade we used to shave grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.

Carmen: Oh my god!

Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.

[Carmen leaves relieved]

George: It wasn't a lie.

Curious George [1.02]

George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?

Duncan: Watching me sir?

George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?

Happy Birthdays [1.03]

George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

Angie: What?

George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?

Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.

Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

Max's Big Adventure [1.04]

Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?

George: No.

Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!

George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!

Benny: I don't know why they're making these kids do a play on staying away from strangers, that is a parent's job. I'll give you my play, "Everyone is Bad". Thank you, thank you.

George: Mom, this is important. You didn't teach me any of this stuff! All you told me was if a stranger comes up to you, start speaking Spanish. That didn't make me safe, that made me exotic!

Benny: Hey, I have a question.

Teacher: Yes?

Benny: That sign outside, "No smoking", Is that just for the kids, or for everybody?

Teacher: That's for everyone.

Benny: How long is the play?

Teacher: Just under 20 minutes.

Benny: I'll catch it on Broadway.

George: Angie, this is ridiculous, what's he gonna learn from this, how to operate a VCR?

Angie: George, you know what my favorite part of the play was? When you walked up to the teacher afterwards and demanded your tax dollars back.

George: Come on Angie, you think that play helped Max? The only thing he's ready for is a tiny kid in a fake mustache who can't stop looking at the audience. He's not walking to school by himself.

Angie: George, It's only 4 blocks!

George: A lot can happen in 4 blocks. He has no idea what's going on out there. He wasn't like me when I was a kid, Angie! He's totally sheltered. At least with me, I grew up in a rough neighborhood surrounded by criminals, I was lucky!

Benny: I'll tell you your problem.

Angie: Can a day go by when you don't say that?

Benny: You already ruin your kids by coddling them. George was always very independent. He was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.

George: I was looking for food!

George: I don't care what Angie says. I don't think Max is ready to walk to school until he learns about the real world.

Benny: I'll tell you what I did when you were a kid. I used to read the newspaper to you right before bed. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You'd say, "He's not coming here, is he Mommy?" And then I'd look at the paper and tell you, "It doesn't say..."

George: Yeah, I remember. No Green Eggs in Ham, no Cat in the Hat, just, "Nut kills 12", night night!

Benny: Okay, you can laugh, but it worked!

George: Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max: What's the movie?

George: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.

Angie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?

George: Not compared to them. Angie, this is how kids learn, they watch scary stuff, they'll get nightmares, they'll learn to be careful!

Who's Your Daddy? [2.01]

Angie: Where is the water and shelter for this animal?

Homeless Man: It's in my vacation box at the beach.

Token of Unappreciation [2.02]

Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.

Carmen: But she won't be there!

George: Oh. See that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.

[George and Angie talk to Carmen]

Angie: Look, honey I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.

George: Who was that?

Angie: You don't know him.

[George straightens up]

George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.

Show Dyslexic The [2.03]

Mrs. Wilder: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.

Angie: He's a joy at home.

George: You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.

Mrs. Wilder: Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?

George: ...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."

Halloween Cheer [2.04]

Angie: You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.

George: Hooliganism? How old is that report?

The Unnatural [2.05]

Ernie: Hey, what are you doing?

George: Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.

Ernie: Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.

Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]: Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.

George: "Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."

Ernie: Well, at least it grabs you.

George: Yeah, but where?

No Free Launch [2.06]

[Debbie knocks on the door at George's house]

Angie [waving at Debbie]: Oh no, that's Debbie Mickens with the PTA coming to collect the money.

George: "Collect the money"? What is she, the mob?

Angie: Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.

George: Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.

Angie: Sign it.

George: ...25 anniversary gifts.

The Wedding Dance [2.07]

Curtis: Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?

George: Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.

Curtis: Your mom's behind you, G.

George [yelling]: TURNS OUT HE'S ALIVE. MY MOM'S LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.

Love Bites [2.08]

[George and Angie are showing Carmen pictures of sexually transmitted diseases]

George: This is gonorrhea. And these are genital warts.

Carmen [repulsed]: Ugghhh.

George: Not so happy you talked me into that color printer now, are you? The red really pops.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey [2.09]

George: I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!

Angie: You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?

George: Oh. Take your time, kids.

Carmen: What's up?

George: I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.

Max: Really?

George: I might have even found you two grandpas!

Charity [2.10]

George: Were there any calls?

Marisol: Yeah.

George: Well, who called?

[Marisol hands over a note with the messages she wrote down]

George [reading from the note]: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating." That doesn't make any sense.

Marisol: I know, huh?

George: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!

Marisol: Hey! Now this other message makes sense!

George [reading from Marisol's other note]: "You missed your heating."

Meet the Cuban Parents [2.11]

George: Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?

Max: Yeah!

George: Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Max [running to Vic]: Grandpaaaa!

This Old Casa [2.12]

Benny: Oh hey Mr. peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8 am sharp.

George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

[George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]

Angie: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?

George: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!

Super Bowl [2.13]

[Benny and Angie are talking about George]

Benny: Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.

Angie: He never told me that. Did something happen?

Benny: Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.

Angie: Like what?

Benny: Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.

Angie: Mm-hmm.

Benny: And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.

Angie: And what did you say?

Benny: I said no. I said, "when you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases, and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault, science let me down.

The Valentine's Day Massacre [2.14]

Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but... halfway through it started looking like a monkey with boobs.

Marisol: I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!

Ernie: Oh yeah? Well get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!

Girl Fight [2.15]

[Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]

Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!

George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!

Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir...

Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?

George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wus!

Adam: Hey, I am not a wus.

[George rips Adam's poem in half]

Adam: [cries] MY POEM!

George: You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.

Adam: Who's Justin?

George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...

[Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]

George: Carmen, get down here!

Angie: (to Benny) So, how did it go with the kids?

Benny: Was I babysitting?

Angie: Yes.

Benny: In that case, they were a handful. You owe me twenty bucks. (Benny walks out of the kitchen and Carmen comes downstairs)

Angie: Carmen, good news. You're not suspended. Piper is.

George: You can go back to school, and Mr. Durango will make sure none of the kids will ever mess with you again.

Carmen: I'm not going back.

Angie: Carmen, it's gonna be all right. Adam is gonna tell everybody that he lied.

Carmen: You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.

Angie: Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away with this.

George vs. George [2.16]

George: Is there a George Lopez here?

George II: You got it, man.

George: So you're George Lopez?

George II: If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.

George: [taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?

George II: I didn't say my middle name.

George: No, you didn't, did you?

[George II stands up, concerned]

George II: Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.

George: Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.

George II: Dude, what are you talking about?

George: You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?

[George II gets his wallet out]

George II: [shows his license] It's George Lopez.

George: Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?

George II: Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.

George: Why not?

George II: Somebody might steal my identity.

[puts it with the others]

George: Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.

George & George II: 849-220-6460.

[George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]

George: Oh, no, you're good.

George II: Look, I don't know how this makes up happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.

George: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.

George II: Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.

[George walks out]

A Kiss is Just a Kiss [2.17]

Max: Aunt Gloria kissed dad!

Angie: That's how people say goodbye, Max.

Max: No, in the garage, last night.

George: Ohh...

Angie: What?!

Max: In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.

George: Left the city, man, not the porch!

Profiles in Courage [2.18]

Jack: You like me?

George: Not really.

Jack: That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.

George: Thank you, Jack.

Secrets and Lies [2.19]

Gina: Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.

Benny: Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.

Girls Night Out [2.20]

Angie [to Max]: Hey honey, you hungry? I made some veggie burgers. I got one left!

Max: No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie: ...What?!

Max: That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George: Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max: Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

Benny: You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

Max [to George]: Can I get a gun permit?

George: Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

[George and Angie are mad at Carmen]

George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"

I Only Have Eyes on You [2.21]

George: Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?

Angie: No, I think they love us both equally.

[Max comes downstairs]

George: Hey Max.

Max: Hey dad.

George: Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.

Angie: George!

Team Leader [2.22]

Benny: Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow, because he's a shooter.

George: They're not firing anybody, they're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.

Benny: Ernie? Well he can't lead a fly to dog poop!

George Has Two Mommies [2.23]

[after Max and Ricky burned down the garage]

George: [to Benny] What the hell were you thinking? How many times have I told you that this isn't putting out a cigarette?

Benny: It wasn't me. I flick it to the neighbor's yard like decent people.

George: [to Carmen] What the hell were you thinking?

Carmen: Why are you accusing me?

George: You snuck out of the house, you got a hicky, you smoked a cigarette, you are one hard lemonade away from arson.

Max: I did it.

George: I knew it. [to Carmen] What did you do to make your brother burn the garage down?

Max: Ricky gave me a bottle rocket, and I shot it off, but I didn't know it would land on the garage. I'm really sorry, Dad.

George: Sorry doesn't cut it. You can say goodbye to your allowance for the next year.

Max: But Dad...

George: No, I don't want to hear it. Max, you destroyed the garage. [realizes] Oh, man, my golf clubs! No, I put them in the car. No, I put them in the garage to clean them! No, I put them back. I don't remember!

Angie: Come on you guys, let's just try to forget about the money and have some breakfast. How about some scrambled eggs, we'll call my dad for a loan and maybe some french toast?

George: No, I'm not taking money from your dad.

Angie: Okay, okay. Then how about some waffles, please just swallow your pride, and maybe some orange juice?

Long Time No See [2.24]

George: Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?

Benny: Yes.

George: What?

Benny: Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.

Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 1) [3.01]

Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 2) [3.02]

The Cuban Missus Crisis [3.03]

Feel the Burn [3.04]

Carmen's Dating [3.05]

Carmen: Thank you for send me to that school you guys are the best parents I have.

George: No.Carmen: No what.

George: U want something and the answer is no your just to younger for it.

Carmen: U didn't know what I have to said.

George: Ok what it.

Carmen: I wanna date.

George: No u just to younger for it Angie I got right.

Carmen: Mom & Dad everyone in Allenalde dated

Benny: Wow

George: Mom

Benny: If I wasn't 50 younger he would be your daddy George

Jason: I'm here to see Carmen to apologized

George: Jason are u crazy what if the 🏉 team find u, u have to eated (George gasp) the debate teams

Jason: I'm captain of the debate team

George: "O Que La"

SPLIT Decision[3.06]

No One Gets Out Alive [3.07]

Bringing Home The Bacon [3.08]

Fishing Cubans [3.09]

Would You Like a Drumstick or a Kidney? [3.10]

Mementos [3.11]

Christmas Punch [3.12]

Why You Crying? [3.13]

Max: (to Benny after she threw his ball away from him): You know, I got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired ass home?! (Benny slaps Max on his face in front of his friends)

The Trouble with Ricky [3.14]

George: What's Ricky doing here? You know he's not allowed in the house.

Max: I know, but he needed a ride to the game.

Ricky: Mr. Lopez, can't you forgive me?

George: Forgive you? You burned down my garage!

George: You did it this time, Max. You're grounded for sneaking Ricky in the house.

Angie: He's already grounded for skateboarding in the house.

George: All right, then no video games for a month.

Angie: We took them away for eavesdropping on the phone calls.

George: Allowance?

Angie: Took it away when they burned down the garage.

George: Okay, you leave me no choice. For the rest of the month... You're not allowed to use your hands.

[after Max and Ricky drove George's car into the backyard]

George: How the hell did that happen?

Max: Well, we were trying to surprise you and wash your car, but the hose is too short. I love you, Dad.

George: Look, I want the truth.

Ricky: Okay. Here's what happened. We ditched school. But it was lucky because two gangbangers were stealing your car. We scared them away. But when we tried to put the car back in the driveway, we crashed, so I guess you're welcome, Mr. Lopez.

George: [to Max] You, you're going back to school. We'll deal with this tonight. [to Ricky] And you, you're out of here, man. I'm taking you back to your mother. And say goodbye to Max. Because that's the last time you're gonna see him. Do you know you could've killed someone?

Ernie: Wow. Hey, your mom sits out here. What if she was in that chair?

George: Don't try to cheer me up.

[George, Ernie and Ricky arrive at the apartment]

George: Hey, you two wait here. I wanna talk to his mom alone.

Ernie: All right.

[George leaves them and goes to find Tammy]

Ernie: You know, that was a pretty stupid stunt you two pulled.

Ricky: I know. Do you think he'll ever let me see Max again?

Ernie: He's pretty mad, Ricky.

Ricky: Max is my best friend.

Ernie: Hey, you know what? Once George cools down, I'll try and talk to him, all right?

Ricky: Thanks, Ernie. You ever do anything like this when you were a kid?

Ernie: [chuckling] Actually, yeah. One time, George and I broke into school with a whole bunch of spray paint, and we... Made a banner that said, "Learning is cool." Whoo! Those were the days, man. [chuckling]

God Needles George [3.15]

Benny and Randy [3.16]

Weekend at Benny's [3.17]

Jason Tutors Max [3.18]

Angie Gets Tanked [3.19]

The Art of Boxing [3.20]

George's House of Cards [3.21]

George to Max

George: Max let me in the garage

Max: Grandpa said not to let anyone in his garage

George: Max this is my garage, Max I swear I drop you off to school in my underwear in my lowrider

Max: Cool can I go to school in my underwear too

George: Give me the combination

Max: Okay 42-16-23

George: Hold on

Max: Wait maybe it's 24-61-32

George: There's no 61

Max: Okay 42-32-16 darn it 23-15-32 no

George: He gave a combination from a dyslexia fifth grader, the man is an a evil genius

Dance Fever [3.22]

She Drives Me Crazy [3.23]

George Goes to Disneyland [3.24]

Bachelor Party [3.25]

Wrecking Ball [3.26]

What George Doesn't Noah... [3.27]

[Zack climbs into Carmen's room and sits on her bed]

Zack: Morning.

Carmen: Zack, what are you doing here? My dad's still home.

Zack: I wanted to take you to school.

Carmen: No, no, Noah's coming over to pick me up. My parents totally believe he's my boyfriend. Zack, don't blow this.

Zack: Relax. We'll call him on the way. Come on.

Carmen: All right, fine, I'll meet you at the end of the block. Now go, get out.

Zack: Hey, how come you never wear this tube top for me?

Carmen: That's a headband.

Zack: Fine. Then put this thong on.

Carmen: That's a shoelace.

Zack: Work with me.

George: Carmen, there's no easy way to say this. Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Carmen: Oh, my god.

George: Look, I know, I don't like it either. But just because Noah's gay... [Zack is shocked and hides back in the closet] Okay... It has nothing to do with you. Okay, this doesn't mean that you're ugly or stupid. He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

Noah: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, is Carmen ready?

Angie: She just left.

George: You know, Noah, I went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night. Saw the whole thing.

Noah: Didn't you love the ending when the cheesemaker comes home from war, but he can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms? But then his son shows up and says, "Papa, I'll be your hands."

[he and Angie feel relieved]

George: Yeah, that was really moving, but I meant the gay horseplay.

Noah: What?

Angie: Mr. Lopez saw you... Being very friendly with another boy.

George: Okay, we talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open, okay? So nobody has to sneak around anymore.

Noah: Well, thank god, 'cause I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Angie: Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Noah: Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zack.

Angie: Zack?

George: Zack Powers?

Noah: Um, actually...

George: Wait, wait, wait, wait! She was seeing Zack Powers behind our back, and you were her cover?

[after Noah said that Carmen is really dating Zack Powers and attempts to excuse himself]

Noah: Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys are so nice to me and your mother, I really enjoyed meeting your mother, she was--

George: [interrupting] Enough of your lies! Out! I enjoyed meeting your mother, Ta Loca. I enjoyed meeting your mother.

Now George Noahs Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened [3.28]

Carmen: I don't believe you!

Benny: Showtime, monkeys!

Carmen: You can't threaten my boyfriend!

George: The fake, gay, cover boyfriend, or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month?

Carmen: You read my diary?! I hate you!

George: I know! It's written on every page in here. [reads the diary] "I hate Dad! God, I hate Dad! Hey, old lady! Hang up the miniskirt! You're not 15 anymore!" [to Angie] Oh, that one's about you.

Carmen: You had no right to read this.

Angie: You've lost all your rights by lying to us, and if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it.

Carmen: Oh, you wanna know the truth?! Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him and he loves me too!

Angie: Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you.

George: Look, he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you into bed. Wake up!

Carmen: You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart!

George: Yeah? Did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant?

Angie: He didn't respect the girl enough to be safe.

Carmen: No, no, no. You guys don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him, and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.

[George thinks how Zack's life is just like his life and he looks at Benny who feels guilty. She tries to hide her beer behind her purse]

George: [to Benny] You wanna field that one? [to Carmen] Okay, you know what? End of discussion. Okay, we did not raise you this far so you can screw up your life with Zack, so there is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again!

Carmen: You can't stop me, 'cause I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I can do whatever I want.

George: Not as long as you live in this house. Okay, if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else.

Angie: George, please calm down.

George: Look, I'm not gonna calm down, Angie! I'm tired of her disrespecting us! [to Carmen] Go see what it's like out there! Send us a postcard!

Angie: George!

George: And don't expect me to come looking for you!

Carmen: I wish you weren't my dad.

George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack [4.01]

George: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.

George: [to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen: Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George: We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen: Dad, I didn't do anything!

George: Don't lie to me!

Carmen: I didn't! You raised me better that that!

George: No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen: Yeah, you were, and every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

George: Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen: No. No, we're not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George: Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen: Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George: Who's Chingy? (everyone in the room looks at George weirdly)

Carmen: Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. Balla Baby? Holidae Inn?

Vic: Hey George you find Carmen yet,hey what Chingy doing here.

[after Max went upstairs to bed]

George: [to Carmen] All right. What the hell happened out there?

Angie: Now is not the time, George.

Carmen: [to George] It's none of your business anyway.

George: Everything you do is my business.

Carmen: You have issues.

George: You're damn right I have issues. Look, I tried to give you everything I never had, and you run away from it.

Carmen: Oh, yeah. I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

George: Carmen, you're lucky you have parents who care. Look, I didn't have a dad, and I pray that my mom would come home at 6 so I can see her before bedtime. If I was lucky, she came home drunk with the spins so she'd have to hold on to me! That was my hug!

Angie: George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.

George: Look, Angie, don't try to pretend like everything's alright. Okay, it wasn't alright when last night you were crying.

Carmen: [to George] Maybe you should've thought of that when you told me to leave.

Angie: [to Carmen] Stop it! We all need to give each other time to accept... [reaches for her brochure in her back pocket, reads it, then puts it back]... to accept the reunification process.

Landlord Almighty [4.02]

George of the Rings [4.03]

Home Sweet Homeschool [4.04]

Leave It to Lopez [4.05]

Benny: (as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, The Young and the Rustless. (laughs)

Doctor: (in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.

George: (as Herman) It should be, it won the Kentucky Derby.

George: (as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney, just like the doctor says.

Sk8r Boyz [4.06]

Angie: Safe and still be rad if wear you helmet and elbow pad

George: "Orale" hey Angie u know what else Sammy said shut up(2x) You making it worst meet me in the kitchen

George To Benny: He jump over the ramp on to the table and into the kitchen and that what u need a women president hey honey

Benny: No Angie please don't it one gray hair well dye it

George: What happen

Angie:Have a fun trip at the grocery store

Benny: Another shopping story let have those scissors

Angie: Carmen was wearing a bunch of those bracelets yesterday

Benny: Ward June I hate to interrupt but the thief got arrested at the mall

George: Last year Max was waited up for Santa now he and his friends are going after Jack Frost and who know what Carmen gonna do to the elvis(Santa back-up)

The Simple Life [4.07]

Trouble in Paradise [4.08]

E. I., E. I.? Oh [4.09]

A Clear and Presentless Danger [4.10]

Prescription for Trouble [4.11]

[Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her birthday]

Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car?

Benny: [laughs]

Carmen: ...okay, dad, how old were you when grandma got you a car?

[George and Benny both laugh]

Carmen: Okay, okay. None of you guys got cars. But aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?

George: [explodes with laughter] HAA!!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding!

Benny: [laughs]

Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks [4.12]

George to the 3rd Power [4.13]

George Gets Assisterance [4.14]

Sabes Quake [4.15]

George Takes A Stroll Down Memory Pain [4.16]

George Buys a Vow [4.17]

George Watcha's Out for Jason [4.18]

[George, Angie, and Carmen have just learned from a police officer that Jason will be taken to a group home]

George: A group home? Carmen, sounds like fun! Bunk beds, sing alongs... [singing cheerfully] Drive-bys are bad!

George's Grand Slam [4.19]

George Needs Anchor Management [4.20]

George's Relatively Bad Idea [4.21]

George: Okay, now that we're all here, we're gonna start with a different game tonight. It's called "Bombshells". In the suburbs, it's called "You Might Wanna Sit Down For This, It's a SHOCKER". In the hood, it's called, "Oh, No You DI-N'T!".

Angie: What are you talking about?

George: Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda... He kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking a peck on the cheek, I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda: What?!

Angie: Daddy?

Vic: [to Benny] You told!

Benny: No, it was Ernie.

Ernie: Hey, hey, I only told because it wasn't fair, alright? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

George: DUDE!

Angie: WHAT?!

Linda: You pimped me out for TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

George: Why you gotta say it like that, negative? I didn't know you guys gonna ended up kissing it was forgiven death and so mad money

Vic: Linda please the kiss with your mother meant nothing to me.

Benny: This is unbelievable you are using my daughter to win me over

[Everybody face was confused]

Benny : What was I way-off

Vic: Linda please listen the kiss with your mother felt nothing to me how I kiss you

Linda: That was sweet and I feel a little sick and you have a lot of explaining to before we ever go out again

Vic: So what I'm hearing is that we going out again

[Everybody groaned]

George : Vic she being nice don't make her said it

Vic : Said what

Linda : I think we should stay friends

Ernie: Ouch that hurt from over here

George: Well thank you for played on you didn't Ernie laughed

Angie: Ok I think that everyone can chill so we can played we need teams

Benny: I think it obviously who to pick umm you and George on a team against two people Linda well never sleep with and the mother-daugther team who got by the hairy Cuban

Linda: Who got the dice?

George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition [4.22]

George Stare-oids Down Jason [4.23]

George Negoti-ate It [4.24]

George Gets a Pain in the Ash [5.01]

Angie: (to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

Benny: What?

George: We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

Benny: That's not funny!

George: We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

Benny: No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

George: The trash can by the drapes?

Benny:...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

George (to Carmen): There's no way you're gettin' married.

Carmen: Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.

George: (about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!

You Dropped a Mom on Me [5.02]

[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]

Ernie: (first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

Angie: That's not bad.

Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.

George: Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie: Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition.

Carmen: When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.

Max: When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

Angie: Upstairs!

Max: It matters...

George's Dog Days of Bummer [5.03]

Benny (to George): I haven't seen you that scared since that Halloween when I chased you around the house with a knife!

George: That might've been funny on Halloween, but it was Easter.

George: I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.

Benny: Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!

George: That thing's a hundred pound killer!

Benny: Not in my story.

George Drives the Batmobile [5.04]

Clown Head: How can I "hell" you?

Benny: (to George) I would like a cheesburger. (looks at George and clown head) Wait, I'm talking to the wrong clown head.

(everyone laughs except George)

[George is talking to Benny about his childhood]

George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

Trick or Treat Me Right [5.05]

George: Where's my work?

Benny: Don't you remember my rules?

George: What rules?

Benny: I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George: You threw out my work?!

Benny: Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George: Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Benny: Oh sure you do.

George: Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Benny: Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George: Mom don't ignore me.

Benny: [looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

[George takes handcuffs, places one link on handle bar, and the other on benny's right hand, cuffing her to the fridge]

Benny: George, what the hell are you?! George!

George: [yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

[electricity in the house goes off and kitchen is dark. George finds flashlight and shines it in Benny's face]

George: I'm a big, big success!

[Angie, Carmen, and Max walk into the dark house]

Angie: George?

George: (to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

George Takes a Sentimental Ernie [5.06]

George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial [5.07]

George Tries to Write a Wrong [5.08]

George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job [5.09]

George Says I Do... More in This Marriage [5.10]

George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family [5.11]

George Enrolls Like That [5.12]

George Keeps Truant to Himself [5.13]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture [5.14]

A Funeral Brings George to His Niece [5.15]

George: I didn't have a full diaper see you don't want to play this game

George Gets Caught in a Powers Play [5.16]

George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother [5.17]

George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light [5.18]

George Gets Cross Over Freddie [5.19]

George:what's your password.

Max: uh... Rippin' it to the max.

George: please, the only thing you rip is (fart sound)

George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money [5.20]

George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits [5.21]

It's a Cliffhanger, By George [5.22]

Carmen: I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.

Angie (to George about her being pregnant): Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

George: A Cambodian kid?!

Angie: NO! I might be pregnant.

George: What? Oh, hell no. HELL NO! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien [6.01]

George (to Ernie): Why didn't you tell me they were moving the factory?

Ernie: I left you a message.

George: Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.

Ernie: Why?

George: Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"

George (after the cops said they just wanted to question Benny but arrested her on sight): Hey, you lied to me! That's why nobody likes cops. You never see a fireman saying "Jump" and then he takes away the trampoline thing!

George's House Has Two Empty Wombs [6.02]

Vic (to Angie): I thought you said your pregnancy was a false alarm?

Angie: It was. But I saw how excited George was that I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Vic: So, what are you gonna do nine months from now? Wrap a basketball in a blanket and say "Look, he's got your head?"

[After George is refusing to sleep with Angie]

Angie: I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've been avoiding me all day. Now get upstairs! We're doing this, Alice!

George Nieces a New Media Room [6.03]

George: Angie, we'll deal with your screwed-up family later. Right now we need to get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.

Angie: George, I need to talk to you.

George: No one talks in the George Lopez media room except Clint Eastwood and those guys begging not to be killed by Clint Eastwood.

Veronica: Hey Uncle George

Max: Dad there some dude in the bathroom you want get the bat

George: What type of a girl turn out to be a player with some random guy aww it at the tip of my tongue it rhymes with Rostitute

Veronica: Uncle George it what it like he matures,take care of me I can see him when ever I want

George: Yeah but not in my house I can't let you sit here and turn my house in some sleepover

Veronica : So what do you want me to do get a sleazy hotel

George : I make the reservation mom where you normally usually go

Angie: George

Benny : George she seeing a married man

George : Please tell me your not seeing a married man

Max: Prostitutes that it that rhymes with Rostitute

Angie: MAX

George Testi-Lies for Benny [6.04]

Angie (to George): I hope what you just found out isn't going to affect your testimony.

George: Just a little at the end. (reading his speech for court) "I don't think my mom should go to jail for an old robbery when her real crime... is giving away her only son! I HATE HER, I HATE HER SO MUCH! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury."

[After learning that George discovered that Benny tried to give him away]

Angie: Honey, you know how much I love you, but... I have to say, your life is really jacked up.

Sabes Gay, It's George's Fantasy Episode [6.05]

Gina (to Ernie): You're not my type.

Ernie: I'm a man and I have a pulse!

George (to Angie): Our vows were to love, honor and cherish each other. I don't have to tell you nothing.

George Thinks Vic's Fiancée is Lion about Being a Cheetah [6.06]

[George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]

George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.

George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good [6.07]

[After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]

George: You have drooled over my wife since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to think she was hot, you say no?!

Ernie: I didn't want to show it. Not in this outfit.

George's Grave Mistake Sends Him to a Funeral, Holmes [6.08]

George (to Angie): Did you and your mom have any unresolved conflicts?

Angie: I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.

George: Oh, I'm sorry Angie. I didn't know that.

Angie (crying): I can never take it back. I can never tell her I'm sorry.

George: How many times has Carmen said she hated you?

Angie: Forty-seven.

George: You counted?

Angie: Yeah, it hurt.

George: Of all those times did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?

Angie: No.

Benny: What were you gonna do with me when I die?

George: Pet cemetery!

George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante [6.09]

Max (to George): What if I end up like Ernie?

George: A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.

George: (after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!

George is Maid to be Ruth-Less [6.10]

George (to Ruth about Benny): That's my mom. You may have heard of her. After her last confession, Father John was seen in the shower saying "I can't get clean. I can't get clean."

Ruth: You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."

George: When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."

George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness [6.11]

Benny: You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

George: I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

Benny: George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

George: I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

Benny: It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

George: Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Benny: Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

George: (lies) Yes.

George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La [6.12]

[George and Ernie walk into the backyard, George sees Angie looking at the family bills.]

George: Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.

Ernie: So? What's the big deal?

George: I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.

Ernie: You hide things you buy from your wife?!

George: (imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!

Ernie: George, If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would've been just like mine.

George: That is the worst thing you've ever said to me!

George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed [6.13]

Vic: (to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?

George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Órale Fixation [6.14]

George: (to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!

Angie (to George): What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?

George: I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and the better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."

George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie [6.15]

Angie: (after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!

(Benny snatches the bat from Angie)

Benny: You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.

[When George is planning to threaten a neighbor into taking down a racist statue]

George (while holding a bat): You know what they call this in the hands of a Judo master?

Angie: The last thing he touches before he dies?

George's Bogey-ous Relationship with Vic Is Putt to the Test [6.16]

Vic (to George): What the hell is wrong with you?

George: Like you care. (walks away)

George Thinks Max's Future Is on the Line [6.17]

Angie [to Max]: I know you had a good time working at the factory, but it's not your future.

Angie [to George]: Would you please talk some sense into your son?

George: Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.

Max: But, I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.

George: Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?

Max: ...No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.

George Decides to Sta-Local Where It's Familia [6.18]

George: You don't go to war without a general! You don't play football without a quarterback! You don't have a wolf pack without... what's the head wolf called?

Ernie: The lone wolf?

George: The lone wolf can't be the leader, he's alone!

Ernie: Maybe they're following him, but he doesn't know it.

George: Do you want to go to the factory or do you want to talk about wolves?

Ernie: I wanna go to the factory, but can we talk about wolves on the way?

Mr. Vega (to George): You've either got a lot of guts or you're an idiot.

George: Maybe I'm both, you don't know me!