Frankie Boyle (born 16 August 1972) is a Scottish comedian and writer, known for his pessimistic and often crude sense of humour. He was a permanent panellist on the comedy panel show Mock the Week for seven series and has made guest appearances on several other panel shows.

Frankie Boyle's Tweets

Chris Brown: "Serious Tweet: I think skateboarding and break-dancing should be an Olympic sport".

Frankie Boyle: "@chrisbrown Or intergender boxing, you'd be in with a chance of a medal there mate".

Frankie Boyle: "@Nigel_Farage There are a lot of honest people in comedy, which is why they keep calling you a cunt".

Nigel Farage: "@frankieboyle Probably the funniest thing I've ever heard you say!".

Frankie Boyle: "@Nigel_Farage You didn't hear me say it you daft bastard".

Frankie Boyle Live (2008)

• Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! An Alcoholic racist!
• Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.
• I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

If I Could Reach Out Through Your TV and Strangle You, I Would (2010)

• The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway.
• They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.

Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights (2010)

• Apparently Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting each other over custody of Harvey, well eventually one of them’ll lose and have to keep him. I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fucking her.
• Ministry of Defence? At least in the old days we were honest, called it the Ministry of War. "Hello, Ministry of War, department of nigger-bombing. How can I help?"
• Religion's just what we thought before we understood what mental illness was. "A bush talked to me!" "Brilliant, what did it say? What did the bush say? Let's live our lives by what the bush said!" You stupid fucking cunts.

The Jonathan Ross Show 11/6/2010

Frankie Boyle: I thought you'd have pushed the boat out a bit more with Puff Daddy being on the show.

Jonathan Ross: Well he's not Puff Daddy any more he's Diddy.

Frankie Boyle: Well Diddy's sat back there in the green room and we've got a big bowl of miniature Heroes. I'm sat there going "Want a wee bounty Puff Daddy?"

Jonathan Ross: Well I don't know if you know this, but we're in the middle of a recession Frankie Boyle.

Jonathan Ross: Here's a picture of Frankie as a boy. You tell me if you don't think this could have grown up to be Susan Boyle.

Frankie Boyle: We do have a lot in common.

Jonathan Ross: Ah huh...

Frankie Boyle: I look ridiculous as a man and I also look ridiculous dressed as a woman.

Frankie Boyle: The idea of people being judged by Amanda Holden. A woman with a face like haunted tupperware.

Frankie Boyle: Can you watch Andrew Lloyd Webber? He looks like he's had his face carved off by a diseased butcher. Put in a piñata. Beaten with hockey sticks for six hours, and then the resulting slop piped back onto his head like the icing on the ugliest cake the world has ever seen.

Jonathan Ross: Are you on his Christmas card list?... I love Andrew Lloyd Webber though, I find him charming and I think he's sweet on T.V because he's er he's not putting himself forward as a heart throb.

Frankie Boyle: He would be charming in a Fairy Story, as someone trying to steal a baby... on telly.. in reality? This is reality, this horror?

Jonathan Ross: You have little children now, how many kids you got Frankie?

Frankie Boyle: I've got two little kids. God help them because (Unknown, previous quote on this page is wrong though as a simple read through would tell you)

Jonathan Ross: Two little.. er are hey both girls?

Frankie Boyle: No, no I got a girl and a boy so my wife has a lot of sleepless nights

Jonathan Ross: How old are they?

Frankie Boyle: Too young to be on telly

Jonathan Ross: ...I really, it really made me laugh out loud, what was the title? Even the title I love. What was the title again?

Frankie Boyle: It was called, "My Shit Life So Far"

Jonathan Ross: There's an honesty in that, er, and then the title of the tour I love as well the title of your tour which is er?

Frankie Boyle: There's an honesty in that as well which is, "I'd Happily Punch Every One Of You In The Face"

Jonathan Ross: You don't actually feel that way about your fans do you?

Frankie Boyle: No, if I could, I'd run them all over with a truck...

[Talking about Frankie's fans]

Frankie Boyle: But the audience, I mean the audience look like Jim Henson's workshop. I feel like putting out a public service announcement at the start of the show saying in the result of a fire you will all be better looking

Jonathan Ross: You yourself recently looked very differently I noticed, you looked very, you had er, quite a large beard for a young person in show business, that was an unusual thing, I thought maybe you were acting and you'd taken a role in perhaps Shakespeare or something it was a period beard.

Frankie Boyle: No, I thought it made me look like a jihaddist, but a lot of other people felt it made me look like someone who should be on some kind of register, which of course I should.

Jonathan Ross: Yeah, it must have been the glasses.

Frankie Boyle: Yeah, the glasses together so any time you go by a children's playground, all the Mums snatch their kids out of the sand pit and start throwing their shoes at you.

The Last Days of Sodom

• (on his previous "department of nigger-bombing" joke) That actually comes from a quote by Lloyd George. Lloyd George, when he was British Prime Minister, said "Britain reserves its right to bomb niggers". And that's an important quote, because once you hear that, you realise that Britain has always been racist from the top down. I thought it's worth using that in a joke for, it's worth using that word for. Guy came up to me after a gig in Glasgow, a white guy, and he said "I don't think that you should ever use the word nigger, in any context." And I said, "Well, you've just used it." And do you know what he said? He said what I kind of hope I would say in the same circumstances. He went "No, I didn't."
  See, you can't really ban words, right? Ricky Gervais got in trouble for saying "mong", I don't know why he did it, he didn't seem to be able to make it very funny. You can't ban a word! Even a horrible word like that. That's like saying, "Let's just burn one book. Let's just burn Mein Kampf. It's a horrible book, nobody likes it. At the point you burn Mein Kampf, you're a fucking fascist society. And you're not even a proper fascist society, because you've burnt the fucking guide book! You're on marching about in peach military uniforms, invading Poundland. (adopts German accent) "Why did you burn the guide book? Why did you burn the guide book, you fucking spastic?!" "You can't call me that, Herr Groppenführer. That word has been banned. You must call me der Nincompoop!"

Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 23 Episode 11

Frankie Boyle: Hello and welcome, I'm Frankie Boyle. When I was asked to host this show, I was delighted. I've always hated this programme, but I have a book to sell and a mistress in London.

Frankie Boyle: DJ Ironik, who's a really, really good rapper... according to MC Sarcastic.

Frankie Boyle: And welcome, a woman who's brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall, it's Carol Vorderman!

Frankie Boyle: A singer who had said that he'd be quitting music, which is a bit like Stephen Hawking saying that he's quitting international basketball. From "Reverend and the Makers," it's Jon McClure!

Frankie Boyle: A man who performed an Edinburgh show this year, which asked if it was okay to have a Hitler moustache. The answer, of course, is yes, if it's just above the vagina. It's comedian Richard Herring!

Frankie Boyle: So, those are our teams. No wonder Simon Amstell left.

Frankie Boyle: It's Aerosmith, a band who had so much sex in the 1980s that Steve Tyler's wank bank is one of the few financial institutions predicted to ride out the recession.

Frankie Boyle: [Regarding Noel's cloak] I made this so that you and Carol could look like the same woman from different dimensions.

Carol Vorderman: Do you think?

Frankie Boyle: Yeah, to me Noel looks like a raven that a wizard has turned into a very beautiful young lady.

Carol Vorderman: Is that a compliment?

Frankie Boyle: It was a compliment to Noel.

Frankie Boyle: [Regarding Steve Tyler of Aerosmith] He looks quite good if he was a Peperami.

Carol Vorderman: Do you tweet?

Frankie Boyle: No, I don't tweet!

Carol Vorderman: Do you Facebook?

Frankie Boyle: Yeah, I do go on Facebook, yeah.

Carol Vorderman: But; what's your name on Facebook?

Frankie Boyle: "Frankie Boyle"...? To be honest, Carol, I heard you were smarter than this.

Carol Vorderman: There are actually 57 Frankie Boyles pretending to be you -

Frankie Boyle: Well, I hope that they get the bullet or sexual assault case that I am due.

Frankie Boyle: It was actually the fact that Joey Kraemer set his Ferrari and himself on fire when he filled it up with the engine running, prompting a fire marshal investigation. It was the most disastrous pumping accident since Michael Jackson challenged Macaulay Culkin to a game of Leapfrog. The real tragedy was that it was a classic 1973 Ferrari and Jamiroquai wasn't inside.

Frankie Boyle: It's Kelis who says it's her milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard. Personally, I use Haribo to tempt them and central locking to imprison them.

Frankie Boyle: Kelis was charged on public disorder counts after screaming abuse at two prostitutes who turned out to be undercover female police officers. Remember, you should always check if they really are prostitutes because it's actually illegal to kill police officers.

Frankie Boyle: Can I ask you something, Carol? Do you ever see any irony in presenting a show that was aimed at old people waiting for death and calling that programme "Countdown"?

Frankie Boyle: So that was "Teenage Kicks" by The Undertones. The Undertones' Feargal Sharkey now campaigns against illegal downloads. I recently intervened when somebody was about to illegally download a Michael McIntyre DVD, I said "Don't bother mate, it's shit". John Peel was such a fan of The Undertones he simply had the words "Teenage Kicks" engraved on his tombstone. Sadly, it's been kicked over by teenagers. We also heard Bob Marley with "Iron Lion Zion". Bob Marley decided to fight cancer with homoeopathy. If you don't want to see the results, look away now. Although cancer did go on to play AIDS in the semi-final. Last year, a statue of Bob Marley was unveiled in Serbia to celebrate peace and tolerance. Serbia is, of course, one of the most tolerant countries in the world, having slaughtered all of their intolerant citizens.

Frankie Boyle: That was the Pixies with "Debaser". The group struggled with a nine year heroin problem. Nine years of heroin sort of goes a bit beyond a problem, it's like saying millions died in The Second World Kerfuffle. And we had "Jerk It Out" by The Caesers. The band have said that "jerk it out" means to just let off some steam. We've all had one of those, usually towards the end of the Hollyoaks omnibus.

Frankie Boyle: That was Maria Lawson in 2006 with "Sleepwalking", but which of our line up is the real Maria?

• Is it number one: "Sleepwalker"?
• Number two: "Streetwalker"?
• Number three: "Sleep it off in the spare room"?
• Number four: "Sleep with whoever you want, as long as I can film it"?
• Or number five: "Could you sleep with number 4 and 1?"? No, wait a minute, not 1, 2.

Frankie Boyle: That was Chicory Tip with their 1972 number 1, "Son of my Father", but which of our line up is drummer, Brian Shearer?

• Is it number one: "Son of my father"?
• Number two: "Son of a bitch"?
• Number three: "Son, you're adopted"?
• Number four: "Son, your real father could be any one of Cameroon's 1990 World Cup squad"?
• Or number five: "Son, I never want to see you, or your boyfriend, ever again"?

Frankie Boyle: I don't know what the actual points are, but there's probably a graphic on your screen. All I know, is that there are no real winners tonight. Our thanks to Phil, Jon and Richard. To Noel, to Ironik and to Carol. I've been Frankie Boyle and you've been watching, I imagine, a very heavily edited version of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night!

Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 24 Episode 12

Frankie Boyle: Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. If you're watching on BBC 2, hello, and if you're watching on Dave +1 in the year 2020, "Hangchangchangchangquaa Hanggangwannahaaaa"

Frankie Boyle: Goldie's autobiography is called "Nine Lives", which is a stupid title for a man with a dog's name.

Frankie Boyle: He's a comedian who's been on kid's T.V, sings in a choir and looks like that. The fact he's not a child molester once lost me a hundred quid. It's Miles Jupp!

Frankie Boyle: As a member of Destiny's Child, she's one of the most famous and beautiful woman in the world...'s friend.

Noel Fielding: You said that and I got hit for it.

Frankie Boyle: Are you sure that you didn't get hit for looking like a bisexual Doctor Who?

Frankie Boyle: They've filled more stadiums than Hurricane Katrina and regularly voted the greatest live band in the world, which is ironic as we'd all rather see them dead. It's Muse.

Miles Jupp: This is a very difficult question you've opened with Frankie Boyle I mean I...

Frankie Boyle: [Interrupting] Well get used to it, bitch.

Frankie Boyle: In 2006, Muse had their equipment wrecked by a hurricane minutes before the coincidently named Hurricane Festival in Germany. We can only wish them all the best at next years World AIDS Day gig.

Frankie Boyle: Muse were recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Plymouth. A degree from the University of Plymouth, that's like being given a cake from someone who has visible eczema.

Frankie Boyle: This is Axl Rose in the days before I'm A Celebrity when "Welcome To The Jungle" was a rock anthem rather than the announcement that you have type-4 career cancer. This was from the brief period when Guns N' Roses were popular before Nirvana came along and made them look like gay pirates.

Noel Fielding: OK, Axl...he looks a bit worse than that now.

Frankie Boyle: He looks a lot worse. The Botox hasn't gone well. He's like a stunt double for Mickey Rourke's arse, basically!

Frankie Boyle: The answer is b). His crew were under strict instructions not to wake him under any circumstances,and so failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap. Guns N' Roses fans were deeply disappointed. Luckily though, they were all morons that I'd leave inside a burning house to save a pig. Similarly, a nap led to Cheryl Cole being late for a gig recently when she couldn't wake up the man who presses play. Or the black woman who was supposed to clean her dressing room, but had mysteriously been knocked unconscious.

Frankie Boyle: So that was Bobby McFerrin with "Don't Worry, Be Happy". "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is a great song to play when delivering bad news, such as, "I'm sorry, Mrs Cordon, we can't do a termination, he's 31." Bobby McFerrin clicks his fingers and beats his chest to create music. Coincidentally, that's also how Wayne Rooney signals to his handlers that he needs wanking off.

Frankie Boyle: will.i.am has been romantically linked to Cheryl Cole. When asked if he was going to enter into a long-term relationship with her, he changed his name to will.i.fuck.

Frankie Boyle: That was the Arctic Monkeys with "Fluorescent Adolescent". People give Alex Turner and Alexa Chung a hard time, but I think that they'll still be around in 20 years, her surname keeping them safe during the waves of Chinese genocide. We also heard "Me Myself And I" by De La Soul. De La Soul had a huge hit with "Three Is The Magic Number". Incidentally, it's also the theme tune for the National Fingering Association.

Frankie Boyle: That was Matt Bianco with "Don't Blame It On the Girl", but which of our line up is drummer, Robin Jones?

• Is it number one: "Robin Jones"?
• Number two: "Robin this show of any dignity"?
• Number three: "Robin Cook's corpse"?
• Number four: "Robin of Shitwood"?
• Or number five: "Robin his cock up against a school bus window"?

Frankie Boyle: That was Glen Goldsmith with "Dreaming", but which of our line up is Glen Goldsmith?

• Is it number one: "Dreaming"?
• Number two: "Dreaming of a proper acting job"?
• Number three: "Dreaming that he's naked and riding on the back of a Labrador"?
• Number four: "Dreaming of death"?
• Or number five: "Waking up with a hard on"?

Frankie Boyle: Thanks to Phill, Goldie and Miles, Noel, Professor Green and Michelle. This has been a disaster. Good night!

Live at the Apollo 10/12/2014

Frankie Boyle: Hello and welcome to Live at the Apollo. I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well, if that's any comfort.

Frankie Boyle: We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.

[Talking about the Scottish Independence Debate]

Frankie Boyle: David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter - because he couldn't work out how to get it into envelope.

Frankie Boyle: People said - during the campaign - that I was anti-English. I couldn't be more Pro English! I thought the best thing for Independence would have been if England had of won the world cup; because you would have been so unbearable that we would have to leave.

Frankie Boyle: Animals don't watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat.

Frankie Boyle: If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.

Frankie Boyle: People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life

Frankie Boyle: Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post. Presumably with the message: From one twat to another

[On the re-bombing of Iraq]

Frankie Boyle: And who are we blowing up? IS. Remember last year when they said "We need to bomb Syria! Help the rebels; they're the good guys." "Who are the rebels?" "IS" They're the same people! They gone from being loved to hated and despised in a year and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen.

Frankie Boyle: Britain, as a culture, runs on hypocrisy. David Cameron went to Sri Lanka. He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses that they committed with weapons the Britain sold to them! Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.

Frankie Boyle's Election Autopsy 17/05/2015

Before I go, I want to leave you with this: Conservative voters, you have destroyed this country. We’re about to birth the first generation of babies that will be regularly woken by the nocturnal screams of their parents. And you did this. With your affordable four-wheel drives, your Coldplay albums, your canvas trousers, your NutriBullet, your rape pornography. Your James Corden, your Sky Atlantic, your mistress, your numb smile, your diazepam, your wanking glove, your weight gain, your constant googling "does this dream make me gay?". Your fear of buttons, your Amazon Prime, your unrealistic goals, your friend with terrible spinal injuries, your secret jealousy of all the attention he gets. Your constant fear of cancer, your dream of swimming with a dolphin who will at best feel complete indifference towards you. Your tutting at the news, your Gucci belt, the books you have pretended to read, your love of cock, your cock of love. Your daughter’s wedding, your first bike. Your suicide.

Give It Up for Comic Relief

• [Speaking about French and Italian tabloids printing naked topless photos of Kate Middleton] A family of billionaire perverts [the Royal Family] going nuts about a picture of a pair of tits. The hypocrisy of the British press, [mimicking British press] “oh we wouldn’t print these pictures of tits”. I had to go past pictures of tits to read about how you wouldn’t print pictures of tits. I went past good pictures of tits to read about some shit tits. The only reason Kate Middleton is pregnant is because her tits aren’t worth finishing on.
• Comic relief raised £8 million last year. Britain sold hundreds of millions worth of weapons last year to Africa. So next year, one country in Africa will get blown to smithereens, and the next country along will get a visit from Lenny Henry. And both will feel bitterly jealous of each other.
• [Speaking about Pope Benedict XVI's resignation] The Pope must have done something that even the Catholic church found unacceptable. My theory is that he fucked an adult woman.
• I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she’d just fucking died. But they wouldn’t have been able to tell us that she’d died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it.

Mock the Week

• There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off.
  • Series 6, episode 2.
• I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.(series 4, episode 1; What the Queen didn't say in her Christmas message)
• Dear points of view, watching "Queer eye for the straight guy" made me think that if I made gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.
• I thought it was sad, you know, that they had that pop concert to commemorate Diana. I mean, she didn't have much to do with pop music, did she? They should've done something that celebrated what was really great about her life: By staging a gangbang in a minefield.
• ["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] What's that Joker, you'll be back? Somehow I don't think you will be.
• ["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!
• [Talking about Richard Hammond's high-speed dragster crash] That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.[Mimicking Richard Hammond] "She was wearing black... or was it red? Am I married?"
• The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.
• 3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
• When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

External links