Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

Road to the Multiverse

[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]

Brian: What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie: I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Brian: Look! There's our house!

[Brian and Stewie run towards it]

Stewie: [laughing] Look how gaily we run!

---

[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]

Brian: Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie: I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]

R.C. Peter: Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

[Duke, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-man enter the room]

R.C. Chris: Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thundercats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie: How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

R.C. Chris: Fuck you!

Stewie: Bye!

[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]

Family Goy

Brian: That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.

[cut to: Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]

Quagmire: See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Spies Reminiscent of Us

[Peter's impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving impression]

Peter: I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

Peter: [kicks the Drive Thru window] Keep the change. [zoom on Peter] Road House.

Rita: [after breaking up with Brian] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

Brian: [about to set them on the dresser] Here?

Rita: No. The davenport- the chesterfield.

Brian: [about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?

Rita: No. Does that look like a divan to you?

Brian: [about to set them on the windowsill] Here?

Rita: [sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.

Brian: [crossly] You know what? Just take your fucking keys because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. [slams door]

Hannah Banana

Monkey: Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois: Oh, that's terrible.

Monkey: I fell into a deep depression after the divorce which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter: Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]

Bomber: Allahu Akbar!

[he suddenly crashes]

[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]

Jake: Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!

Tom: [from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Quagmire's Baby

Peter: Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.

Baby: Giggity?

Quagmire: Oooh, I say that...

Bitch Brian: Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.

Jerome is the New Black

Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say [mocks Brian] "Ooh, I'll get you later", but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, He's you. God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite". And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should [mocks again] "legalize pot, man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait. You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter because [mocks again] "religion is for idiots". Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs, puts his napkin on the table, and sets to leave] I'll see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Dog Gone

[Brian is drinking his sorrows away at the pizza parlor]

Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. [camera pulls out to show Bill from Family Circus sitting next to him]

Bill: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.

Brian: You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and punch your wife in the face?

Bill: You know what? [stands up] That's exactly what I'm gonna do. [walks away]

[later in the episode, Peter is reading the comic strips]

Peter: This is a very shocking Family Circus.

Stewie: Poor bastard’s more upset than when I read Curious George Goes to his Gym Coach’s Apartment.

[flashback to Stewie reading the aforementioned book]

Stewie: Monkeys aren’t supposed to drink chardonnay! He’s tricking you! Get out of there!

Business Guy

Peter: Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.

[cut to a scene at a hospital]

Monitor: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.

Big Man on Hippocampus

Peter: Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois: Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter: You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris: Yay!

Lois: Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie: That's your sense of humor?!

Meg: I was just kidding! God!

Lois: Meg, that's awful!

Chris: Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

Brian: That's messed up, Meg.

Meg: I was just trying to be funny.

Lois: That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie: Yeah, that's your father!

Chris: [shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter: Heh, heh, heh.

Dial Meg for Murder

Joe: You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.

Meg: Oh, well, that's only fair, because, after all, I did hide him from the... [reacts] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!

Lois: Peter, Meg's been suspended from school.

Peter: That's okay, whatever she wants to do.

Lois: She cracked three kids' skulls open. Ever since she got out of prison, she's been completely out of control.

Extra Large Medium

Ellen: Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.

Chris: Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?

Ellen: That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.

Go Stewie Go

[On the Jolly Farm set]

Randall: Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!

Julie: (to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.

Stewie: Is he playing a dick?

Peter-assment

Quagmire: If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.

Quagmire: [to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.

Brian Griffin's House of Payne

Woods: What a pain in my class!

April in Quahog

Peter: So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?

Stewie: That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.

Peter: You having a tea party?

Stewie: No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]

Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Brian & Stewie

Brian: You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!

Stewie: Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.

Brian: All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?

Stewie: All right.

Brian: Can you give me a caramel one?

Stewie: No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.

Brian: I don't like yogurt.

Stewie: Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.

Brian: Okay, I get it.

Stewie: A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.

Brian: Shut up.

Stewie: Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

Brian: Shut up!

Stewie: Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.

Stewie: Wanting to kill yourself... Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

Brian: How is that selfish?

Stewie: What would I do if you weren't here? Hmm? You're the only one who makes my life bearable.

Brian: I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation.

Stewie: I was just trying to hurt you because you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. lf I didn't have you, I'd be lost.

Brian: Ah, you'd be okay.

Stewie: No, I wouldn't. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you. You're the only one I like.

Brian: Well, thanks.

Stewie: [uncomfortable] I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you. I would even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I care a great deal about you. A very great deal. Maybe even deeper than that. [mumbling] I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love. I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.

Brian: Well, I I love you too, Stewie.

Stewie: You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

Brian: Thank you.

Stewie: Hey.

Brian: What?

Stewie: Will you read to me?

Brian: Sure.

Quagmire's Dad

[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he throws up for a long time, then screams]

Stewie: What?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!

Stewie: What?!

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!!

Stewie: [screams] Why!?

Brian: I didn't know! I didn't know it was her!

Stewie: OH, MY GOD!

[both scream]

Brian: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!

Stewie: He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!!

[after beating Brian up, Quagmire exits the house, closes the door, and starts to walk away, but Brian, now blooded and bruised, but still able to move, lividly opens the door]

Brian: Hey!

[Quagmire turns around]

Brian: I fucked your dad!

[he slams the door]

The Splendid Source

[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]

Quagmire: What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?

Joe: I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.

Peter: You think they were following us?

Joe: Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Quagmire: Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Peter: Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Rallo: Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.

Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Leia (Lois): Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking... nerfherder!

[Han (Peter) punches her in the face]

Han: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown into an asteroid field]

Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!

Han: Look, we've got four or five of the main characters on this ship, I think we'll be fine!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown out of the worm (Meg) in the asteroid]

Worm: How come I never get any lines in these things?

[Han (Peter) flies the ship back to the worm]

Han: Shut up, Meg.

[as Han is about to be frozen in carbonite]

Leia: I love you.

Han: Fuck off.

Darth Vader (Stewie): C'mon Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool.

Luke (Chris):: Well, who's in it?

Vader (Stewie): Uh, there's me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. Oh, and James Caan.

Caan: I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass.

[Slave 1 flees Cloud City and blasts away with Han.]

Leia (Lois): Oh no! We've lost Han! They've taken him to Jabba's palace!

C-3P0 (Quagmire): Well, even though we know exactly where he is, we should rescue him in three years.

Lando (Mort): Don't worry. We'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter and we'll get Han back.

Chewbacca (Brian): Why are you wearing Han's clothes? [to the home audience] Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Vader (Stewie): Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.

[after Darth Vader has cut off Luke's right hand, Leia is about rescue him]

Leia (Lois): [through the ships loud-speakers] Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! [beat] I said wave your right hand! [beat] Your right hand!

Luke (Chris): [off-screen] It's me, you fuckers!

Partial Terms of Endearment

Lois: Peter, this is Naomi.

Peter: Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois: Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter: No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!

[cut to God sitting on cloud looking down]

God: Don't mention it, Peter.

Chorus: [sing] God! He knows what turns you on!

God: [to the home audience] Have fun!

[at the end of the episode]

Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]

Peter: [to the home audience] We had the abortion.

External links

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.