Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, the Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
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Love Blactually

[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]
Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
Man: You think it's easy working all day?!
Woman: No-
Man: You think I like it?!
Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
Man: No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!
Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!
Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
Man: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Horton: [to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.
Cleveland: [when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

I Dream of Jesus

[Peter, Stewie and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table. Brian is reading a newspaper]
Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.
Brian: You thought what would be big news?
Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
Brian: Heard what?
Stewie: Brian, don't!
[Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing Surfin' Bird]
Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don'tcha come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Jesus: Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Peter: Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
Moviefone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: [impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
Matlin: No!
Moviefone: You have confirmed 300.

Road to Germany

Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Nah. You can do whatever you want.
[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
Hitler: These filth are making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the solders cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
Brian: Unless what?
Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
Stewie & Brian: Whenever-
Mort: [stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?!

Baby Not On Board

Carl: Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
Chris: Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
Carl: Yeah. Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
Carl: Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
Chris: I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
Carl: Did you like the movie?
Chris: Well, that's not the point.
Carl: Did you like the movie?
Chris: Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
Carl: So, you didn't like the eagle?
Chris: No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
Carl: Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
Chris: No.
Carl: Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
Stewie: Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly-Obese Albert.
[cut to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids; Albert is morbidly obese and sitting in the back of a pickup truck]
Russell: Hey, Morbidly-Obese Albert. We brought you some chocolates.
Albert: Oh, I can't eat those chocolates, on account'a my diabetes. 'Member they had to take my foot?
[the Cosby Kids see that he has one less foot]
Russell: Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half-price.
[Albert laughs]
Albert: A'ight. Maybe I'll have one.
[he eats a chocolate]

The Man with Two Brians

[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]
Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]
Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[the camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]
Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Stewie: No...
Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
[Stewie groans]

Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

[Peter is at the spelling bee]
Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
[Peter comes up to the microphone]
Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".
Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Tom: There is a tree by the lake.
Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.
Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.
Tom: Correct! (applause)
[Near the end of the spelling bee; only Peter and Omar remain]
Tom: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar Northtower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".
Omar: C-O-A-G-A...
[Buzzer sounds]
Tom: Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell box cutter".
Omar: I'm 9 years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

Ocean's Three and a Half

[Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]
Brian: What's it called?
Stewie "Susie".
Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: Name 20.
Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
Stewie: Name 6 more.
Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
Stewie: Name 5 more.
Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
Stewie: Go fuck yourself.
Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.
Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.
Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? Little four minute movie that tells the story of a...
Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Family Gay

Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
Peter: Lois, I've got something better! You know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh my God!
Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!
[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]
Peter: Okay, what's next?
Doctor: This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny.
[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]
Peter: [in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
Doctor: [laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!

The Juice Is Loose

O.J.: Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: That's my name, don't put a knife in it.
West: We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you like we did in 1993!
[cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]
Homer: D'oh!
West: And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

FOX-y Lady

Anchorman: Lois, please, take the job for Fox's sake.
Brian: Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!
Savage: That's all I ever wanted people to know.
Lois: Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.
Savage: You've got a deal!
Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.
Savage: [angrily] I don't need you anymore!
Stern: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

[Stewie is at a McDonald's Drive-Thru with the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation]
Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinkin' "shut up and get a salad".
Spiner: I want some McNuggets.
Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent!
Wheaton: I want a hamburger-- no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.
Stewart: [punches Wheaton's head against the window] You'll get nothing and like it!
Stewie: Uh, hello!
Drive-Thru Teller: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?
Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [chuckles] Uh, yeah. We're gonna get 2 McChicken Sandwiches and a Diet Coke and... What do you want, Michael?
Dorn: A McDLT.
Stewie: No. I already told you, they don't make those anymore.
Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore!
Frakes: I'd love a Shamrock Shake if they got any of those.
Stewie: It's September, Jonathan!
Burton: [w/visor on] Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?
Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.
Dorn: I'm just sayin', they have all the ingredients for a McDe...
[a car behind them honks its horn]
Stewie: Just hang on! All right?! There's a lot of us! There's a lot-- It's a big order!
Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie: It's 3:00!
Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie: None of 'em serve breakfast all day!
Dorn: Do they have beer?
Peter: [says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

4/20

Policeman: [after arresting Brian for marijuana possession] I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a Family Guy!
Peter: [laughs] He said it!
Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.
Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?
(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)
Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
(cut back to Tom and Diane)
Tom: Right on.

Stew-Roids

Peter: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
Joe: He died in Iraq.
Peter: [unemotionally] Sad.
[Chris and the two girls trample Connie. Peter comes over]
Peter: Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]
Peter: What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

We Love You Conrad

Peter: You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late night monologues.
[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style".
[laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]
Ferguson: Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.
[laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]
Leno: Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!
[laughter]
Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Three Kings

  • Misery
Paul: You fondled me in my sleep?
Stewie: Yep.
Paul: I'm not sure I'm okay with that.
Stewie: Well, it's done.
[Red (Cleveland) is reading Andy's (Peter's) letter.]
Andy's voice: Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
[Red pauses]
Red: CRAP!

Peter's Progress

[As King Stewart enters the church]
Citizen 1: [gasps] The king!
Citizen 2: The king is here!
Female Citizen: I didn't vote for him!
[After Griffin Peterson establishes his new settlement, Quahog]
Griffin: We will have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims. Uhmm...Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white, so no Italians, no Polish, just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh...America!
Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
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