Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.

Blue Harvest

[Opening Dialogue for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]
It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.
And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie Gia. She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest...
Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
[C-3PO and R2-D2 are walking across a desert]
C-3PO (Quagmire): Ok, who would you rather do, Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): [angrily] My father was a service droid! [starts to leave]
C-3PO (Quagmire): Hey, where are you going?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Oh, you can just kiss the lower back end of the canister that is my body.
Luke: Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womprats in my T-16.
C-3PO: My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Luke: There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
[At the Death Star meeting]
Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Darth Vader (Stewie): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So, no weaknesses at all?
Admiral: ...N-no.
Vader: You...you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Admiral: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%
Vader: Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Admiral: Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Vader: Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
Admiral: Nah, it's nothing. I mean, the hole's only about two meters across.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Admiral: Exactly. And to even get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's no big deal.
Vader: Well, can't we board it up? I mean, put some plywood over it?
Admiral: Well, that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.
Vader: Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only going to go up!
Admiral: Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not given you the clairvoyance to turn around that profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... [Vader's force chokes Motti]
Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown...
Admiral: [gasps] There's...nothing to do...downtown!
Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Vader: As you wish. [releases Motti] So, are we going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Yeah. We can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Vader: Uhhhhh...
Officer: We'll get estimates.
Vader: Yeah, estimates, yeah.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
Han: Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Luke: Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Han: [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! All right, let's go.
[Last lines]
Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define decent.
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Chris: Oh, so you do know the show?
Peter: I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
Chris: [angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
[After Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black after the last notes]

Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Lois: So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
Meg: No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
Meg: What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and...we could watch House?
[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]
Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]
Announcer: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original movie.
Bertinelli: You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
Doctor: Well you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.
[Bertinelli then cries]
Announcer: Valerie Bertinelli in : Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime

Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

[the night after Joe's surgery, Joe and Bonnie finally have sex]
Joe: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
[Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]
Joe: Wow, this is great! I feel so alive. Come on ladies kick your high heels off and get moving, you guys are a disgrace!
Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
Cleveland: Yeah, I'm afraid I might- [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
Peter: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Spider-Man: Bingo! [shoots another web and flies away]

100th Episode Celebration

Seth MacFarlane: Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. [smiles] Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from Family Guy as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.
MacFarlane: At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.
MacFarlane: Sure, Family Guy is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some Family Guy history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers out of college.
MacFarlane: Welcome back to the Family Guy 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the Dharma & Greg clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. [10 second pause] Well, now let's check in once again with some of our biggest fans!
MacFarlane: You know, some of my favorite moments on Family Guy over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny bone with some Family Guy-style show stoppers.
MacFarlane: Hahahaha! I forgot how funny I am!
MacFarlane: I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. [starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself] And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.
MacFarlane: You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.
MacFarlane: You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. [smiling] You know, I never got that phrase, "shake a stick at". Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? [Seth and people behind the camera laugh] See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.
MacFarlane: We'll be right back with more Cold Case. [more to himself than to anyone else] Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And Medium, I hate Medium. Come on, everybody!
MacFarlane: Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

Stewie Kills Lois

[Stewie aims a gun at Lois]
Lois: What are you-- Wha-what are you doing with a gun?
Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago. [shoots rapidly at Lois until she falls into the water with blood on her chest] I DID IT! I KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD! [laughs maniacally until he trips and cries] Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! ...Oh, yeah, that's right.
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Mr. Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh, no!
Bruce: Oh, no!
Brian: Oh, no!
Meg: Oh, no!
Chris: Oh, no!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
Kool-Aid-Man: OH, YEAH!! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
Judge: Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

Lois Kills Stewie

Tom: Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?
Ollie: Stewie killed Lois!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: Peter got blamed!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: Peter went to court!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: Lois came back!
Tom: How?
Ollie: Wasn't really dead!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie. And now, part 2!
Lois: All right, Peter. I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven. All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15.
Peter: Yeah, okay, Lois.
Lois: Are you listening?
Peter: Yeah.
Lois: What did I just say?
Peter: Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15! I heard it!

Padre de Familia

Brian: Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Peter: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
Brian: He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Peter: Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Brian: Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
Peter: They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
Peter: Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
McDonald: [sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
Peter: Oh, man. Not this guy again!
McDonald: [sings] Oh, man. Not this guy again!
[Peter farts]
McDonald: [sings] Fart!

Peter's Daughter

[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]
Michael: What the hell?
Meg: What's wrong?
Michael: Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
Meg: What? Where?
Michael: Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]
Meg: Oh, my God! Dad!
[she and Michael approach Peter]
Meg: What do you think you're doing?!
Peter: [Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?
Meg: I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
Peter: [normally] Oh.
Meg: Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
Peter: Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
Michael: Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
Meg: But, Michael.
Michael: I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
[he leaves]
Peter: See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
[after the abandoned house has been destroyed]
Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie: Uh, he left. Pretty sure he left.
Brian: Isn't that his truck?
[he turns Stewie's attention to the electrician's empty truck]
Stewie: Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to Doggie Hell.

McStroke

[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]
Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum.
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready.
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job
So you can help pay for school supplies.
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.
Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
[Peter just crashed his car]
Man in a canoe: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Peter: Stop mocking me!

Back to the Woods

Woods: Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.
Peter: Oh, come on!
Joe: You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]
Joe: What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!
[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
Letterman: Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.
Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.
[the studio audience gasps]
Woods: No! No! No! No! No!
Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
Letterman: James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.
Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf. That... skinny chickenshit.

Play it Again, Brian

TV: We now return to "Damn Nature, You Scary!" on BET.
Announcer: [as a cheetah runs] Damn, look at that sumbitch go! He haulin' ass! That thing come by my house, I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That little rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!
Herbert: [reading Peter and the Wolf to Chris as a bedtime story] "... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them..." 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... [whistles the theme to "Peter and the Wolf"]
Chris: Are you a pedophile?

The Former Life of Brian

[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Stewie: Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Saw me in half.
Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Long John Peter

[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Peter: Hey, guys, what's going on?
Joe: No way!
Quagmire: Cool!
Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch!
Peter: Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
Parrot: I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?
[Peter laughs]
Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp!
Peter: [uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.
Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
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