Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line

Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood

Brian: Hey, y'know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Brian: Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.
[cut to "Lassie" in black and white]
Woman: Timmy, where's Lassie?
Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Mom. Peaches are comin' in mighty early this year.
[cut to Jerry]
Jerry: Smoke!
[cut back to Timmy and his mother]
Mom: You know what they say, Timmy: "Early peaches, long summer".
[cut back to Jerry]
Jerry: Smoke!
[cut back to a back view of Timmy and his mother; Lassie has just entered]
Timmy: What's that, Lassie?
[cut back to Jerry]
Jerry: Are ya smokin' yet?!
Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Quagmire: [to lesbians] So, you ladies ever been penetrated?
[in jail]
Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat!
Inmate 2: I like the fat one! More cushion for the pushin'!
Peter: Thank you!
Inmate 3: Hey, you and me gonna have a good time together!
Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, y'know, I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow!

And the Wiener is...

Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust or Leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, it's a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical Christmas tumor?
Doctor: No, a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh...[pause] like a happy, special-
Doctor: You're going to die.
Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives

Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!
Death: I don't have skin!
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
Death's Mother: Remember to zip up your fly, if you don't zip up your fly, a seagull with get ya!
Death: (to Peter's ghost, trying to step back into his body through the mouth) Wait, wait, what're you doing? You can't get back in like that!
Peter: Well, I'm sure as Hell not going in the back door!

Lethal Weapons

Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! [to the others] You're right. This place blows.
Peter: You just hit me!
Lois: That's right!
[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

The Kiss Seen Around the World

Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest Mr. Lazenby]
Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
Principal Shepherd: This stupid country!
Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight

[Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna haft go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
[cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
Man: D.
Peter: -ot.
Peter and the man: Dot.
Man: B.
Peter: -et.
Man: Bet.
Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down.
Man: P.
Peter: -it.
Man: Pit.
Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
Man: F.
Peter: -at.
Man: Fat.
Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
[a fight breaks out between the two]
Mr. Weed: [in his video will; his final lines of the series] Hello, friends. If you are watching this, I am dead, and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. The demolition will begin in... [looks at his watch] Now.

A Fish Out of Water

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen outfits, talking very quickly.]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Yes, quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly.
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: '51.
Brian: Ah.
Peter: Delectable.
Stewie: Indeed.
Chris: Yes.
Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
Brian: What is it?
Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Indeed.
Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible

Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
Lois: What? What?!
Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do somethin' about that. [grabs a scalpel]
Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!
Stewie: [after Peter heads for the bathroom] Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and DO HER!!

To Love and Die in Dixie

Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second, y'know, I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
Meg: This is our house?
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

Screwed the Pooch

[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
Meg: Oh, my God!
Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
[just before Brian gets neutered, Peter has a vision of himself sitting next to an overweight Brian eating chocolate]
Brian: I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's SO good!

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel
[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!
[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!!!
[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing]
Peter: I'm handicapped now!
[Tom pauses the tape]
Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
Peter: Oh, come on!
Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
Tom: That's you driving the car.
Peter: Well, there's your hook!
Tom: Get out.

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
Lois: Hey, why don't you take Joe along?
Peter: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
Chris: [laughs] Rump.
Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
Peter: Damn it all!
Patrons: SHH!
Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
[the swallow squawks loudly]
Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
Patron 3: You ever heard of a sitter?!
Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes back into Peter's beard]
Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness

Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
Dave: Hey!
Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
Chris: Boobies.
Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Chris: Boobies.
Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
Lois: Look at that handsome man.
Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]
Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe

[on KISS Forum, the host gets a phone call]
Donny: Hey, you're on KISS Forum.
DeYoung: Yeah, um, KISS sucks.
Donny: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
DeYoung: Yeah, um, they suck big-time, man. They bite ass!
Donny: Wait a sec. I recognize that voice! Is this Dennis DeYoung, lead singer from Styx?! Come clean, man!
DeYoung: Yeah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.
Donny: Dennis, ya jealous douche! How 'bout I crank a little Detroit Rock City and play Come Sail Away, and we can see how they stack up side by side, huh?! You want that, ya high-voiced bastard?! [to the home audience] We'll be right back after this.
Stewie: [comes across a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's terribly wrong!
Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
Stewie: Wha-- Why, that's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanka!
[she kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
Brian: Hey, come on. You wan' get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wan' take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

Supergriffins

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
West: Oh, my...
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
West: I see...
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
Meg: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
Peter: Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but--but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!
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