Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Into Fat Air

Lois Guess who I just ran into at the market? Ross Fishman!

Peter: Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis?

[competing over dinner with Ross Fishman]

Peter: Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [tears off his shirt]

Lois: Peter!

Peter: Well, they look better when they're oiled up. [to Chris] Pass the salad dressing. Oh no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!

Ross: Well, this year perhaps our biggest trip ever. We're climbing Mt. Everest.

Peter: Oh yeah? Is that right? Well, so are we!

Lois: We are?

Ross: Peter, I highly doubt that. I mean, no offense, but it doesn't look like your family would be up to the task.

Brian: I think he's right about that. After all, we couldn't even turn the double play.

[Cut to the Griffins on a ball field, with Peter on second base]

Peter: Alright, Griffins, on the ground, we're goin' second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball plays in second. Let's look sharp. Tough D, tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's at second. This infield is a Great Wall of China, nothin's gettin' past us. Good D, behind ya, Bri, good D all around. [a fastball punches Peter in the throat, changing his voice to sound like Stewie] I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry. I am okay. My voice sounds weird, I know, but I feel fine.

Ratings Guy

Quagmire: Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster!

[Peter runs up to two men at the Television Producers Guild]

Man #1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it!

[Homer Simpson runs up to Peter and the two men]

Homer: Guys! I broke television! And now you have to help me fix it!

Peter: Aha! Looks like this is one we beat you to!

The Old Man and the Big 'C'

Peter: I learned how to do a somersault. [Peter tries to do it, but falls over] Did I do it?

[after Quagmire was revealed to have been wearing a wig]

Peter: I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity".

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

Yug Ylimaf ("Family Guy" spelled backwards)

Stewie: You bastard!! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

Brian: Oh, come on! They're not all bad.

Stewie: Oh, yes. I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer, she was a real prize.

[Cutaway to Peter, Lois, and Brian and his date at dinner]

Lois: How are you enjoying your meal?

Woman: L-L-L-L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.

Peter: Oh, for cryin' out loud. [walks up to the thermostat and turns up the heat]

Lois: Peter, why are you turnin' up the heat again?

Peter: Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Stewie: Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

Brian: Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.

[We angle on the sidewalk. A backwards walking Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts on the sidewalk, then continues]

Brian: Okay, now I get it.

[Brian and Stewie hear groaning]

Stewie: What the devil is that?

Brian: It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.

[they go to the living room and they to see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]

Stewie: My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere?

Brian: [points at a bottle] Is that the Ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this.

Stewie: Oh, God. It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... [throws up]

Brian: [panicked] Oh, dear God! [throws up] WHAT THE HELL?!

[Peter holds Brian's ears and throws up]

Stewie: I don't wanna! I don't wanna- !! [regurgitates]

Chris: Dad, I'm scared! [vomits and cries]

Stewie: Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! [regurgitates] FUCK!

[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths and groan in disgust]

Brian: Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!

[As the Griffins leave after Stewie just been "born"]

Chris: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?

Lois: Chris, that's ridiculous!

200 Episodes Later

Stewie: Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.

Joe's Revenge

[Peter makes the "I'm watching you" sign]

Joe: What is that?

Peter: Let's use our eyes ... to see.

Brian: Stupid cat!

Peter: Quagmire and I'll help you bring this guy to justice!

Quagmire: [through clenched teeth] Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit?

Lois Comes Out of Her Shell

Lois: Do me, Peter. Do me right in the basement.

Peter: I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY!

Jester: I'm King Stewie. I rule with an iron fist. La-la-la-la-la-la-la. Look at me. Oooh.

Stewie: In my office! Now!

Friends Without Benefits

Quagmire: How're you girls doin' on popcorn?

Girl: I'll take some.

Quagmire: Here ya go. [tilts popcorn containter towards girl with his crotch.]

Lois: Meg, Kent's here!

Meg: Just putting on my lipstick! [shaves, cuts] Dammit!

Stewie: Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care, I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

Stewie: Dear God, I have a shoe appointment in the morning and I want to be fresh!

[Cutaway shows Lois in hosptial bed with baby Meg whose heart is beating on the top of her head]

Dr. Hartman: Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat.

Lois: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a buncha times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.

Peter: Lois, can I go slip'n'slide in the yard?

Lois: Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?

Peter: Yes, almost.

Lois: Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.

Peter: Yay, poor people water fun!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Joseph (Peter): Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so y'know. Achoo!

Donkey (Meg): So you guys are goin' to Bethlehem, huh? I went there one time on a donkey's night out. Oh my God; I got sooo hammered!

Joseph (Peter): [trying to have sex with Mary/Lois] I can't believe how hard you're making me work.

The Virgin Mary (Lois): Well, I did have a good virginity coach.

[cutaway]

Consuela: No, no, no.

The Virgin Mary (Lois): Okay, I think I got it. How's this?... [in Consuela's accent] No, no, no.

Consuela: No, no, no.

Space Cadet

Peter: Hey, what's that in there?

Guide: That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.

Peter: Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter. Guide closes the door; both scream and exit with heads in each other's bodies]

Peter: Things got crazy so fast!!

Peter: We were talkin' about Meg. We-we call her Chris so she doesn't know.

Meg: [off-camera] Fuck you!

Peter: Shut up, Chris!

Peter: A week ago, we call him stupid and now he's given tours at a space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. [kicks Stewie] Right, stupid?

Stewie: Ow! I'll do better!

Lois: Everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!

Stewie: No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]

Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Meg: [touring the shuttle with Chris] So do you know how all this stuff works?

Chris: Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch.

Stewie: Ooo! Big red button!

Brian: [as they are being blasted off] You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window. [he does] YES! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF WHATEVER'S SO ENJOYABLE ABOUT THIS!

Brian: What are you doing?

Chris: Saving our lives.

Peter: I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kinda rooting against him.

Brian's Play

Stewie: What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote, have you seen it?

Stewie: You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".

[Cutaway]

Peter: I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.

Lois: No, Peter.

Peter: "Little" means mouse?

Lois: No, Peter.

Peter: I feel so old and in the way.

[Present]

Brian: It's still a good play!

Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from "Seinfeld".

Brian: I never saw that episode.

Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

The Giggity Wife

Peter: Where will you two be fucking going on your scummymoon? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

Peter: Your new wife is a human toilet.

Lois: Welcome to our home, Charmisse. Sit on my lips you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good.

[As Charmese sits next to Meg]

Stewie: Meg, you look good next to her.

Quagmire: I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

[Long silence]

Peter: I have some demands.

Quagmire: What the fuck is going on with my life?!

Valentine's Day in Quahog

[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]

Brian: Oh my God. Stewie, what happened?

Stewie: (Furiously) NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!

Brian: (Angrily) Geez, you kissed your mother with that mouth? (Stewie throws up again while Brian recoils)

[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]

Lois: Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

[she disrobes and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]

Stewie: No, but I'm ready for therapy.

[In the morning]

Quagmire's date: [after sex] I thought we could get some breakfast.

[Quagmire flips a switch and the girl is dropped into a mine car and sent out the front door]

Quagmire: Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works.

Chris Cross

Herbert: Sweet dreams, Chris.

[Herbert turns the lights off. Chris turns them on; Herbert's bed is moved closer to Chris]

Chris: I'm not really tired yet.

Lois: That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?

Stewie: That kid was Indian and eleven years old. Where are you finding my friends?

Call Girl

Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

[Peter and Lois are in a passionate embrace on the sofa]

Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Joe: Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

Quagmire: I wasn't gonna.

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: [Impatiently] I said I wasn't!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: Joe, you telling me not to has no effect on me whatsoever. I will not get married.

Joe: [Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.

Joe: Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.

Quagmire: [Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: [Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Turban Cowboy

[Peter to the pilot before he skydives]

Peter: Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down.

[the phone rings]

Lois: Hello?

[it's Peter]:

Peter: Is dinner almost ready?

Lois: Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.

Peter: Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]

Peter: Ahh, Daddy's home.

12 and a Half Angry Men

Peter: I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!

[Quagmire whispers in his ear]

Peter: Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well, I don't know.

[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]

Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?

Peter: Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches!

Judge: We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.

[Pans over jury, which shows Peter at two ends]

Peter: I switched seats.

Peter: Enough!... was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live to expectations.

Quagmire: And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat.

Stewie: There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats! [the lights suddenly go out] ...And we're dead.

Bigfat

Pope: Hi. I don't know who to complain to about this, but I keep getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no, no, he's not here anymore. This is XXIV. Yeah. No, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. Yeah...I...No, I'll...I'll hang onto Boy's Life.

[Peter sees Roger when they greet the new neighbors, the Smiths]

Peter: What the hell kind of dog is that?

Roger: [indicates Meg] I was going to ask you the same thing.

[Hank Hill wakes up from a nightmare of his wife, Lois, sleeping with Peter]

Hank Hill: Ahh, dammit. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Peter: Lift up the shades, there's a man on the wing! [Joe lifts up the shades] I'm the man on the wing.

Joe: Are you crazy?!

Quagmire: I don't know if I can pull out of this, Giggity.

Stewie: [weakly] You... look... fat.

Peter: [sighs] I'm bored.

Quagmire: Peter, you made me crash the damn plane!

Peter: Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire.

Total Recall

Peter: [in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.

Joe: [in a deep voice] I heard you coming.

Peter: I made myself heard.

Joe: Where have you come from?

Peter: I've come from where I've been.

Joe: You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?

Peter: Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

Referee: Winner!

Peter: Look, Lois! I have my friends and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower. Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me.

Lois: Hey, Horace, get that wiener outta your hand and give us 3 more beers over here.

Horace: Ah, Lois, you're always giving me the business.

Peter: Hey, Horace, why don't ya take that wiener outta your hand and give me a beer!

Horace: Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch! [Punches Peter]

Save the Clam

Chris: Hey, Meg. Who's your date? He looks like a real stiff.

Peter: There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.

Quagmire: But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.

Peter: Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]

Quagmire: My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Meg: [puts make up on corpse] Wow, that really works. Hm, maybe I'll try that on myself.

Meg's boss at the morgue: Oh, eh... You have what we call a "closed-casket-face".

Farmer Guy

Lois: [to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]

Peter: Is that my ass?

Meg: You guys. I think this is a meth lab.

Lois: Oh my god. You mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

Stewie: What's going on? What are you guys talking about?

Lois: Uh oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.

Stewie: What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Roads to Vegas

[one set of Brian and Stewie teleport into Las Vegas]

Brian: Oh my God, Stewie. It worked! We're in Vegas.

Stewie: Yeahhh, alright! So let's hit the hospital, get checked out for teleportation cancer and then part-tyyyy!

[Brian and Stewie are standing on the edge of thier balcony, ready to jump to commit suicide]

Stewie: Well... this is it.

Brian: I guess so.

Stewie: Count to three?

Brian: Yep.

Brian and Stewie: 1... 2...

Brian: [jumps off the balcony but Stewie doesn't] 3!

Stewie: [holds onto the railing] I'm sorry, I can't, I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it!

Brian: [falls to his death] YOU DICK!

Stewie: Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done?! [tries to run out of the room] I better get the hell out of here! [trips over his backpack and finds the money the other pair had won] What the deuce? Where did this come from? [slides the money tops] Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

[The Brian and Stewie clones arrive at their poor hotel]

Brian: Oh my god! This place is a dump!

Stewie: [looking at a leaflet] Let's not be so quick to judge. Says here there's a continental breakfast. Oh, the continent is Africa.

Brian: Stewie, this place is a complete pit! Don't ya think it's weird we have to keep checking in every 20 minutes?

Stewie: [continues reading] Also, the porn's free, but we have to watch it from the lobby.

No Country Club for Old Men

Brian: Hey, so eeeh... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.

Stewie: Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.

Brian: Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

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