Pilot [1.01]

Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.

Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?

Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.

Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...

Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?

Ray: Yeah.

Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?

Ray: That's right, how are they?

Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.

Marie: Myself?

Ray: You and Dad and Robert.

Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.

Ray: Another box is coming next month.

Marie: What??!! More pears??!!

Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.

Marie: Every month??!!

Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.

Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?

Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.

Marie: Which friends?

Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?

Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.

[Frank walks in.]

Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.

Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.

Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?

Ray: A year.

Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?

Marie: I tried to tell him.

Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.

Frank: Marie--

Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!

Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.

Debra: Right.

Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24

Ray & Debra: No again.

Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.

Robert: When did he get this?

Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.

Robert: Never ends for Raymond...

Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.

Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.

Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.

Ray: From across the street?

Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!

Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?

Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!

[Later]

Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.

Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?

Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?

Ray: No, I'll do the kids.

Debra: Pffff...

Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?

Debra: I took the kids with me!

Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.

Marie: But where is Debra?

Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.

Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.

Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!

Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.

Ray: I'm not trading.

I Love You [1.02]

Ray: Are you ok?

Debra: I'm fine.

Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?

Debra: Nothing.

Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!

Debra: I love you

Ray: ...And I you

[Debra walks off]

Ray: Debra! DEBRA!

Ally: STELLA!

Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.

Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?

Debra: You don't say it.

Ray: I do.

Debra: No, you don't.

Ray: I do!

Debra: When do you say it?

Ray: WITH MY EYES!

Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?

Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?

Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.

Frank: When? When did you say it?

Marie: I said it all the time!

Ray: Were you in my office, mom?

Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.

Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.

Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Waitress: Extra sauce!

Bernie: She's the saucy one.

Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.

Ray: He's the fat one!

Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.

Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray: Oh, no I liked him.

Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank: It was his dying wish.

Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.

Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!

Marie: You never even sent a gift.

Alda: My gift was that I came at all.

Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

[Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?

Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray: What?

Debra: A man who does the dishes.

Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Ray: Some funeral, huh?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Wanna do it?

Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.

Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray: Thank you.

Standard Deviation [1.04]

Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.

Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...

[Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]

Debra: You promised you'd get this done!

Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.

[Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]

Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra: Just shut up and rub.

[Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]

Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

[Robert walks in]

Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.

[Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]

Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.

Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

[Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]

Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

Look Don't Touch [1.05]

[Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]

Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?

Angelina: Did you want something?

Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?

Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?

Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Frank: Hello, ladies!

Ray: What are you doing here?

Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray: Oh god.

Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]

Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.

Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Frank, the Writer [1.06]

Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra: Robert, what's wrong?

Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra: What are you talking about?

Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.

Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]

Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.

Ray: No. No car phone.

Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?

Ray: I'm against technology?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.

Debra: Good job, honey.

Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.

Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.

[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]

Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.

[Marie barges into the house.]

Marie: Your father has finally done it.

Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.

Debra: Where's Frank?

Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!

Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.

Ray: You hear that?

Debra: No, I don't hear anything.

Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!

Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

In-Laws [1.08]

Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?

Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!

Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.

Debra: How?

Ray: When he dies.

[Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]

Ray: What the hell are you doing?

Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Marie: You're giving him back that money!

Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.

[Waves check in front of Raymond]

Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Frank: You're not talking to me?

Marie: Nope.

Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.

Marie: This is for you.

Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...

Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.

Debra: You have money?

Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.

Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.

Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank: You're right. You're right.

Ray: What, what am I right about?

Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray: Not really.

Turkey or Fish [1.10]

Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"

Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

Debra: What did you do?

Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.

Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!

Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!

Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.

Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?

Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!

Frank: In many countries people eat cats.

Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?

Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...

Debra's Mother: You want some yams?

Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.

Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?

Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.

Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Captain Nemo [1.11]

Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!

Dave: Narc!

Ally: Good morning, Mommy.

Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?

Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!

Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

The Ball [1.12]

Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie: You're cheap.

Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.

Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank: It's a real ball.

Marie: What's the matter?

Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie: You what?!?!

Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!

[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]

Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

[Ally walks in]

Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally: Santa?

Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]

Frank: Where's Ally?

[Frank notices Robert]

Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert: I'm Santa Claus.

Frank: You're Santa?

Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert: Now we know the truth.

[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]

Ally: It's Uncle Robert!

Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Debra's Sick [1.13]

Who's Handsome? [1.14]

The Car [1.15]

Diamonds [1.16]

The Game [1.17]

Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.

Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Recovering Pessimist [1.18]

The Dog [1.19]

Neighbors [1.20]

(Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)

Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie: (mortified) Frank!

Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...

Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?

Priest: That's not important. What's important is...

Ray: Frank Barone?

Priest: You know Frank Barone?!

Ray: He's my father!

Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray: Yes!!!

Priest: You're absolved.

Ray: What?

Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray: Really?

Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Fascinatin' Debra [1.21]

Why Are We Here? [1.22]

Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie

Ray's on TV [2.01]

Raymond: Did I say cinamum on the show?

Debra: No, that's only to remember for when we go to iHop.

Frank: I could have eatin a box of alphabits and crapped a better interview!

Father Knows Least [2.02]

Debra: What are you supposed to do Ray, take away her naptime?

Ray: If she keeps misbehaving, we're taking away something that is important to her! What've you done?

Frank: Why do you think that is? Why do you think that is, Marie?!

Marie: I'm sleeping here tonight!

Frank: Good!

Brother [2.03]

Frank: I don't care what you say. Just get him out of the house. It's depressing.

Mozart [2.04]

Marie: ...and E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through it. {sic} You know that. What's E-G-B-D-F?

Raymond: Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.

Marie: I don't like that Raymond. It's Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge.

Raymond: ...or Eric Gunzel Boinked -

Marie: Oh Raymond!

Raymond: That's - that's how I remember it. You've got the fudge way.

Golf [2.05]

Debra: This is what I have to put up with--your mother coming over here and telling me that I should make myself available to you!

Raymond: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust) Ewwwww! How sick is that?!

Debra: Very!

Raymond: I'm thinking of my mother now!

Debra: (getting grossed-out herself) Ewwwwww!

Raymond: Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?

Debra: Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!

Raymond: You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!

Debra: Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.

Raymond: Well, you're very good-looking!

Anniversary [2.06]

Working Late Again [2.07]

The Children's Book [2.08]

The Gift [2.09]

High School [2.10]

The Letter [2.11]

[after reading an insulting letter from Debra to Marie]

Frank: Is this a petition? Where do I sign?

[Debra walks in]

Frank: You're my favorite writer!

All I Want For Christmas [2.12]

Civil War [2.13]

[Frank is showing Ray and Robert how to act at a Civil War Re-enactment]

Frank: Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray: What, like upset?

Frank: No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank: Ray.

Ray: Bang.

[Frank grabs his chest and backs off]

Frank: [yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

[Frank backs away some more, in an overly dramatic pose and after a few seconds lies still]

Frank: Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

[Frank gurgles and then finishes his acting by rolling his eyes. Ray and Robert stare on in disbelief. Frank gets up.]

Frank: See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray: Not if you're watching.

Mia Famiglia [2.14]

Aunt Zarina: Holy Crap!

Marie's Meatballs [2.15]

Ray: (sees Debra packing up cooking stuff) So what now, you're running away to cooking school?

Debra: What I don't get is why you couldn't see my side of this? You're so busy defending your saint of a mother that you made me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase! Well who's the nutcase now Ray!? WHO'S THE NUTCASE NOW!?!?

Ray: Okay, the meatballs are not exactly like my mother's, but I am saying to you: We have a house...we have a car...our student loans are paid off. You should be able to sleep!

The Checkbook [2.16]

Raymond: Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)

Andy: They're turning off your service.

Raymond: Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.

Andy: Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?

Raymond: She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.

Andy: Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

Raymond: (handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills) Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.

Andy: Well, here's why. Your check bounced.

Raymond: What?

Andy: Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!

Raymond: What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!

Andy: Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.

Raymond: (still not getting it) But I make more than enough money.

Andy: Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!

Raymond: I trusted the bank!

Andy: (incredulous) You didn't reconcile your checkbook?

Raymond: (barely keeping track) Huh?

Andy: (frustrated) You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?

Raymond: I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.

Andy: Yeah, that's smart. No money, either. Look at this. Debra had everything under control--

Raymond: (sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra! I'm sick of this money stuff! Just tell me what I have to do!

Andy: (handing the checkbook back to Raymond) First, you gotta take last month's ending balance, then you add the interest accrued on the account, then you add all the checks that we know have cleared-- (annoyed that Raymond isn't half-way paying attention) --Ray, what did I just say to you?

Raymond: Accrued.

Andy: All right, Ray, you had your fun with Mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her. (He reaches for the checkbook)

Raymond: (defensive) No! I'm not giving it back to her, 'cause then she's gonna know I couldn't do this!

Andy: Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.

Raymond: Look, Andy, how bad can it be? It's only been six weeks.

Andy: That's what makes it so shocking.

Debra: Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.

Raymond: Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)

Debra: (incredulous) A third checkbook?

Raymond: Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.

Debra: What check did you bounce?

Raymond: I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.

The Ride-Along [2.17]

Robert: Hello, Police Department.

Marie: (frantic) Robbie, how's Raymond. Is he all right.

Robert: Ma!

The Family Bed [2.18]

Good Girls [2.19]

Debra: So it was just the once and then you got married?

Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!

Marie: Oh, Frank! No!

T-Ball [2.20]

Frank: Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!

Ray: Dad. Others.

Traffic School [2.21]

Six Feet Under [2.22]

Frank: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, my wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

The Garage Sale [2.23]

Robert: Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.

Ray: Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?

Robert: Not on my watch.

Raymond: Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.

Frank: They will if it was used by the pope! Hey you, are you catholic, you like hot soup?!

The Wedding, Part 1 [2.24]

The Wedding, Part 2 [2.25]

The Invasion [3.01]

Robert: So everybody has to do what Raymond wants, right? New sheets for Raymond! Brownies for Raymond! Can't sleep naked around Raymond!

Driving Frank [3.02]

Robert: You hit my patrol car!

Frank: I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!

Raymond: Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.

Robert: I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!

Debra: Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?

Robert: My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!

Frank: That car shouldn't have been there!

Robert: On the street?

Frank: (pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!

Robert: I can't do that, Dad!

Frank: Why not?

Robert: Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!

Frank: Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!

Robert: There is black and white on the side of your car!

Frank: (yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!

Robert: (yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)

Frank: FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"

The Can Opener [4.02]

Frank: Ray, I am going to give you the secret to marital bliss.

Marie: After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?

Frank: You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle! She was, like, demented!

Marie: That's not true!

Frank: You were always grabbin' at me!

Marie: I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby! I needed help getting up!

Frank: Nonetheless, did it bother me? No! Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person! I decided from that day on never to waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept that she's insane!

Debra: Why would you want to hear me complain about Ray?

Robert: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

Robert: We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. (Frank begins to snore. Annoyed) Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to come out and say what's really bothering you and get it out in the open and deal with it, 'cause if there's one thing I've learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this: It's never just about the can opener.

Frank: Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.

Marie: (obviously Frank's hit a nerve) How could you mention that?

Frank: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothin'.

Marie: I had every right to go nuts with you as a husband!

Frank: Don't go nuts. Just go.

Debra: (curious) Wait, wait , wait...What jar of fat? (Ray and Robert groan)

Marie: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden-brown sausage. (aside) You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.

Frank: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging!

Marie: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!

Frank: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

Marie: (yelling) You're selfish!

Frank: (yelling back) Fat collector!

Marie: Oh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you!

Debra: That's right!

Marie: Debra understands.

Frank: You wanted a thank-you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in, huh? (shouting) I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours, stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, AND IF I NEEDED COINS TO PAY THE TOLLS THAT GOT ME TO THAT JOB, THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT, THAT MADE THAT FAT, THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!

Marie: That's right, you don't care! You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you!

Frank: Hey, I don't have to care; that's your job. (Instant silence. Even Frank realizes that that might not have been the right thing to say. Robert tries to take a swig from the Pepto-Bismol bottle, only to find it's empty, so then he looks into it, then he sticks his pinky into the mouth of the bottle to try and get whatever's in there. He then takes it out and sucks on it desperately.)

Robert's Rodeo [4.15]

Debra: Do you realize, in a group that includes your father, you're being the most insensitive?

Ray: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with Dad. He must be tired. C'mon, he's okay. Laughter's the best medicine, right? I'm keeping it loose, keeping it light.

Debra: How about keeping it shut?

Ray: See? That's good! You should be in there with me!

Debra Makes Something Good [4.18]

Debra: Hey, you hungry?

Andy: Yeah, sure, I could always go for something.

Debra: (offering the plate of braciole to Andy) I made some braciole, taste it.

Andy: (trying to get out of it gracefully) Oh, you made...no, no, no, I'm actually--I'm in training, I'm in training for a running thing--

Debra: Come on...

Andy: No, no, really...And I've gone kosher. I'm in a Jewish marathon.

Debra: (insistent) Okay, try it, one bit? Just one bite... That's it, just one... (He does, and can only stare at her in shock.)

Andy: (beat) Run away with me.

Debra: (happy) Really? You like it?

Andy: (he does) Oh, my God, it's fantastic! (He sits down at the table) Mmm, Debra! I don't know what Ray's talking about!

Debra: What do you mean, "talking about?"

Andy: Nothing, he was just trying to be funny at work.

Debra: Funny about what? Was he making fun of my braciole? (Andy suddenly realizes that he may have said too much)

Andy: No, he was not. (gets up quickly and turns to leave, but Debra corners him)

Debra: Wait, Andy, he told me he loved my braciole. What did he say to you about it?

Andy: (trying to change the subject) Did I ever show you how I can wiggle my ears? Look at this-- (He can't really)

Debra: (insistent) Andy, what did he say about the braciole?

Andy: I did not find it funny--

Debra: Andy!

Andy: He said it was Italian for roadkill! Please don't hurt me!

Ray: Are you sleeping with Andy? 'Cause you can do better...

Robert: Am I sitting in sauce?

Debra: Yes, Robert.

Robert: (relieved) Good. I was afraid I popped a stitch.

Someone's Cranky [4.21]

Robert: Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.

Debra: (trying to inject some cheer) Yeah, three more weeks.

Robert: (dour) Three more weeks.

Debra: (even more cheerful) No, listen...three more weeks!

Robert: Well, when you say it like that... Here, let me try. (with the same overdone optimism as Debra, but it sounds caustic from him) Bubonic plague!

Frank Goes Downstairs [6.6]

Frank: [fixing the stairs] Stupid, humped-up termite trap! [the stairwell collapses, taking him with it] AAH!

Marie: Oh my God! Frank! Are you all right?

Frank: ...Holy crap!

Marie: Don't move! I'm coming right down!

Frank: I'm in enough pain!

The Plan [7.18]

(Amy comes into the kitchen in a panic)

Amy: (hysterical, to Robert) What did you do?

Robert: (not understanding what's going on) What do you mean?

Amy: What did you do? The invitations! (She hands Robert one of the offending invitations) My Aunt Lynn got this in the mail! What did you do?"

Robert: (panicking himself) Oh, my God! This was in the mail?!

Amy: What did you do?!

Robert: Nothing. Nothing. This wasn't supposed to go out.

Debra: (taking the invitation from Robert) Wait a minute, what's the problem? (She finds it, and is equally aghast.) OH, MY GOD!

Amy: I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because I heard someone screaming, and then I realized it was me!!!

Robert: The wedding planner lady was supposed to print it out and you were supposed to look it over--

Amy: She said you said sent it out!

Robert: No, I said print it out!

Amy: But she sent it out!

Robert: (truly hysterical) Oh, my God! (Marie comes in, holding an invitation)

Marie: (hysterical) AMY!!! OH, MY GOD!!!

Amy: (matching their hysteria) I KNOW!!! OH, MY GOD!!!

Marie: What happened to it? (Amy points accusingly at Robert)

Amy: Robert! Robert happened to it!

Robert: (feebly) It wasn't supposed to go out! (Amy goes over and thrusts the invitation at Robert.)

Amy: Look at this! Hank N' Pat? N' Pat? They're not hillbillies, Robert! Hank 'N Pat McDougal request the honor of your "presents"--

Debra: Robert, you spelled "presence" like gifts!

Robert: (quietly) It wasn't supposed to go out!

Amy: You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth, not the sixth! People are going to be showing up three days early!

Debra: And what is this: Attire optional?!

Amy: It's black tie optional! Attire optional means "maybe naked!" (The horror of it just never ends...) There's going to be nude people! At the church! On a Wednesday!!

Robert: (quietly strained) It wasn't supposed to go out!