Josh Runs Into Oprah

[Megan gives Josh a birthday cake]

Josh: It's full of poison isn't it?

Megan: No!

Josh: Okay, then what? Some EXTREME laxatives?!

Megan: Oh come on! I wouldn't make you sick on your birthday.

Josh: ..Sorry..

Megan: Now blow out the candles! [Josh blows out birthday candles and the cake] I didn't say it wouldn't explode!

Josh: ... I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

[Josh comes home from the hospital in a hospital gown after being chemically bathed, then angrily walks over to Drake.]

Drake: Hey, man.

Josh: HEY, MAN?!

Drake: Hey... man?

Josh: You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!

Drake: Oh yeah, how'd it go?

Josh: Oh actually it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

Drake: Kay, what up with the 'tude?

Josh: Do you know what it's like to have an involuntary chemical bath? It stings...EVERYWHERE!

Drake: Alright look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?

Josh: No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!

Drake: Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?

Josh: NOT REALLY! [slams the door]

Vicious Tiberius

Drake: Oh, how are we going to get out of here?

Josh: We got to get help. Oh, I'll call dad.

Drake: Oh, great. Oh, great!

[Josh gets out his phone and calls dad. The scene changes to the phone ringing at home while Walter is working out and singing Highway to Nowhere]

Walter: [singing] ♪ And I'm on the highway to nowhere. Tryin' to get high without you. I don't know why it took me so long to. ♪

Drake: Well?

Josh: No answer.

Drake: You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it-

Josh: No, I think I know our own number.

Drake: Dude, just let me try-- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toliet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toliet]

Josh: It's your fault. Go get it.

Drake: I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!

Josh: Probably doesn't even work anymore.

Drake: Yeah, well, let's see. [toilet flushes] It still works.

Josh: I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!

Drake: Oh, well, that's gone.

Megan: [offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?

Josh: Who's that?

Drake: It sounds like Megan.

Megan: [offscreen] Drake? Josh?

Josh: That is Megan, how does she know? Oh no, she's outside with Tiberius!

Drake: Oh, he'll eat her alive!

Josh: Come on! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude! [Drake blocks the door]

Drake: Well she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.

Josh: Well that's our little sister out there, we gotta help her!

Drake: All right.

Josh: Come on.

[Drake and Josh come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room with Tiberius behaving]

Josh: [loud whisper] Megan! Run!

Megan: I don't want to run.

Josh: [loud whisper] But he's vicious.

Megan: Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.

[Drake and Josh walk by to her]

Josh: I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.

Drake: Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.

Megan: Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.

Josh: How'd you know we were here?

Megan: Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.

Josh: We couldn't.

Drake: Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.

Megan: What are you talking about?

Josh: When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.

Megan: Really?

Drake and Josh: Yeah.

Megan: See ya.

[after Megan leaves, Drake and Josh get locked in the bathroom again when Tiberius attacks them]

The Wedding

Josh: So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.

Drake: Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.

Josh: She's almost 90 years old.

Drake: She's like 90,000 years old.

Josh: She's not nice!

Drake: She is mean. [goes closer to the viewers] Mean to the bone!

Josh: Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.

Drake: She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!

Josh: Oh, and get this.

Drake and Josh: Aunt Catherine's getting married!

Craig: Knock, knock! It's Craig and Eric!

Audrey: Sorry, boys, can't talk. Going to a wedding.

Eric: Oh, we're just here to pick up something from Josh.

Megan: Josh! Your geeks are here!

Josh: [from upstairs] I'll be down in a minute!

Audrey: [gasps, her earring is broken] Oh, my earring broke!

Drake: Super glue's in the kitchen.

Audrey: [takes Megan by the wrist as they go to the kitchen to glue the earring] Come on. Help me glue it.

Megan: Okay!

Craig: Who's getting married?

Drake: [disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.

Eric: Isn't she like, 87?

Drake: 89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.

Mindy Loves Josh

Drake: Two for two.

Josh: [runs in] Drake!

Drake: [pulling back the sling] Not now. I'm busy.

Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!

Drake: [shocked, accidentally releases his sling and hits Josh's eye] What?!

Josh: OH! [falls down to the ground]

[Drake and Josh are talking about different girls who used them for schemes]

Drake: But then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend

Josh: By the end of 4th grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.

Drake: I kinda missed Allyson so, I started making out with her sister.

Josh: Now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.

Who's Got Game

Carly: Can I help you find something?

Drake: I just... [turns to see her] found it.

Carly: 'Sparks', good choice. I saw them live last week.

Drake: Yeah, me too.

Carly: Oh yeah, you were that guy in the concert.

Drake: That was just me!

Carly: I was kidding.

Drake: ...me too.

Josh: So, I'm going home to change place my special pillow.

Drake: Wait!

Josh: So, I got 22 dates in a week and apparently you just got one.

Drake: Uh, yeah. Sure ok, that's fair, you won the bet.

Josh: Oh no, bu-- what?! I won the bet?! I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! AAHHAHA!! JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, OH-HO-NO, I AM A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you home, bro. [walks away]

The Great Doheny

Josh: Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make you a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]

Megan: Henry Doheny...Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician.

Henry Doheny: Hmmm... [pretends to think] Why don't you...reach into... [points to trashcan and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.

Megan: [looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny ,and gasps] A bunny!

Henry Doheny: Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.

Megan: [puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her] [laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?

Henry Doheny: I insist!

Megan: Thanks! [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]

Henry Doheny: Pick a card!

Drake: [picks a card] Now what?

Henry Doheny: Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back, and Doheny takes the deck into his jacket]

Drake: [looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] What's my card?

Henry Doheny: Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Is that your card?

Drake: Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

I Love Sushi

Sergeant Doty: So let me see if I got this straight.

Josh: Sure.

Drake: Go ahead.

Sergeant Doty: You two supposedly won a home makeover from some TV show you never heard of.

Josh: That's right.

Drake: Yeah.

Sergeant Doty: And at their request you made sure that no-one was home today for six hours.

Josh: Right.

Drake: That's pretty much it.

Josh: So what do you guys think?

Sergeant Doty: I think you're idiots.

Mr. Nadel: Well let's see I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?

Drake: Wow, they all sound so wonderful.

Josh: Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?

Drake: Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.

Mr. Nadel: Yeah, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.

Josh: You already said that.

Mr. Nadel: Well it happens every time! I mean what is wrong with me?!

Drake: We just want jobs.

Mr. Nadel: Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you?

Josh: What would we have to do?

The Storm

[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]

Eric: Ow.

Drake: That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?

Eric: Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.

Drake: Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? [hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]

Eric: Ow!

Drake: Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?

Eric: Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

Drake: [after being on the phone with Josh] That was Josh.

Julio: They cancelled the concert?

Drake: The whole stage is underwater.

Gary: My uncle's got a boat!

Drake: That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!!

My Dinner with Bobo

Josh: You better let us out or we're gonna call the cops!

Drake: Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!

Dr. Favershim: You have no cellphone.

Josh: Do too!

Dr. Favershim: Fine. Then play me a ringtone.

Josh: What?!?!

Dr. Favershim: Play me a ringtone.

[Josh plays a ringtone]

Drake: See? I told ya we got a cellphone!

Dr. Favershim: Does it have Bluetooth?

Josh: What?!?!

Dr. Favershim: Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?

Josh: Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.

Dr. Favershim: Prove it.

Josh: Fine! Open the door! [Dr. Favershim opens door] See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! [Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again] What?! Oh, man!

Drake: Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!

Josh: Don't start with me! [Josh slaps Drake off-screen]

Drake: Ow!

Drake: [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]

Stan: He seems to take a liking to you too!

Drake: Aw, he's awesome.

Megan: Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.

Tree House

Audrey: It's okay, Robbie. I promise you, Drake and Josh are gonna build you a brand new treehouse.

Drake: What?

Josh: Say what now?

Walter: You heard her.

Robbie's father: Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Could you boys rebuild it... tomorrow?

Drake: Tomorrow?

Josh: No, that won't work.

Audrey: Of course they can.

Josh: But we have dates tomorrow.

Drake: With hot twins.

Walter: Tough squash.

Drake: Squash?

Josh: I don't know, he says things. I really... I don't know.

Audrey: You can go on your dates after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse.

Megan: Whoa, whoa. By the three of us, I hope you mean Drake, Josh and Josh's imaginary friend.

Josh: Hey.

Megan: Mom.

Walter: Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.

Drake: She was.

Audrey: So you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.

Megan: But I'll miss Janie's birthday party. Tell them it wasn't my fault.

Drake: Ooh, sorry.

Josh: Too bad, little girl.

[Drake and Josh are trapped inside the treehouse]

Josh: Drake.

Drake: What?

Josh: Where's the door hole?

Drake: It goes right there, see I drew it with a magic marker.

Josh: You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!

Drake: Dude, I'm gonna!

Josh: Oh really?

Drake: Yes!

Josh: So go get the power saw.

Drake: Okay, I will! [tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is] I see the problem.

Josh: Oh do ya?!

Josh is Done

Josh: Hello?

Drake: Come upstairs and play ping-pong with me.

Josh: No. All right, I'm studying, and you should be, too.

Drake: So, ping-pong?

Josh: No!

Drake: C'mon, let's play ping-pong!

Josh: All right. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.

Drake: And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?

Josh: Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!

Drake: Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window] You have smashed the window of transparency!

Drake: Look, dude, I said I was sorry.

Josh: Oh, I heard you.

Drake: Well, stop being mad at me.

Josh: I'm not mad at you. I'm done.

Drake: What’s that supposed to mean?

Josh: I don't want anything to do with you anymore.

Drake: So what, are you gonna move out?

Josh: No, this is a house where I live and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college, but that's all we'll be is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away]

Megan: [After hearing their conversation] Whoa.

Drake: What?

Megan: You really did it this time.

Drake: Come on, you know how many times Josh has been "furious" with me, and you know, he'll pout for a day or two and then get over it.

Megan: I don't know. He sounds pretty serious.

Drake: Trust me, all right? I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna-

Robbie: [comes in] I knew it! I knew you took my "sit and bounce". [kicks Drake]

Drake: Ow!

[Robbie leaves, jumping on the sit and bounce, Megan looks shocked]

[Drake has just been in the chemical shower]

Mr. Roland: Sit down, Drake. (Drake ignores him) Drake, sit down!

Drake: No!

Mr. Roland: Drake!

Drake: Josh!

Josh: What!?

Drake: Look, I'm sorry.

Josh: Well, I...

Drake: Let me finish, OK? I-I was wrong, OK? I was wrong!

Josh: What do you mean?

Drake: I need you more than you need me, I need you way more than you need me! Alright, I'm sorry! Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I... I'm sorry I'm probably the worst brother in the world and, you know, you're way better off without me, you know, I just-I just need you to understand that I... (sighs) I just... Sorry Josh... I'm sorry. (walks out of the classroom)

Mr. Roland: Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?

Josh: [pauses] No. No, sir.

Mr. Roland: All right. Class, let's get back to our experiments.

Eric Punches Drake

Josh: Why do people at school always gossip and spread rumors?

Drake: A couple weeks ago, I was bored at school, so I started telling people stuff about Josh.

Josh: This story started going around that I EAT SQUIRRELS!

Drake: I told people at school Josh is on this new squirrel diet.

Josh: And then the rumors got even worse!

Drake: Then, I made up worse stuff.

Josh: Somehow, people got the idea that after I eat the squirrels, I use their fur to make my own underwear!

Drake: It was all lies.

Josh: Oh! The new rumor about me, and I don't get this one at all. It said that I have an extra toe growing out of my belly button!

Drake: People will believe anything.

Josh: For crying out loud, my belly button is toeless! You can ask my swim coach, he's seen it!

Drake: Rumors are fun.

Josh: It's so untrue!

Craig: Hello.

Drake: [screams] Craig?

Craig: Are you alone?

Drake: Yeah, I'm alone.

Craig: Good, [holds out a bag of pork rinds] pork rind?

Drake: Sure. [takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it] So you're the one that sent the blimp?

Craig: That's right.

Drake: [concerned] Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.

Craig: WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!

Drake: Rat's hat?

Craig: [furious] He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--

Drake: [He interrupts Craig] OKAY, OKAY, I get it get it get it. Just tell me how to stop him.

Craig: Ok, but first you have to promise me something.

Drake: What?

Craig: I love to sing.

Drake: [confused, steps aside] And?

Craig: And you are like a professional singer.

Drake: [still confused] You wanna sing a song with me?

Craig: I've wanted this for a long time!

Drake: ...Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar you can sing a song with me.

Craig: Excellent. Now listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.

Drake: I thought he was Jewish.

Craig: A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight...

Drake: Okay...

Craig: So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back... and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!

Drake: Uh-huh!

Craig: And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.

Drake: I won't forget the song.

Craig: Good, I'll start practicing.

[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]

Drake: [Drake stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards all right?! I got big problems!

Josh: What, that Eric thing?

Drake: Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just make himself popular. But you know what?

Josh: What?

Drake: I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!

Josh: You don't want to do that! [grabs him]

Drake: Then give me a one good reason.

Josh: 'Cause it's not gonna help you! All right? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.

Drake: Kinda like you do with Mindy?!

Josh: DIFFERENT!!! [crosses his arms]

Drake: It's not different?

Josh: Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!

Drake: And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!

Josh: I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [The doorbell interrupts them] [Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]

Clayton: [worried] Why?

[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake locks the door and Drake and Josh cool off]

Megan's Revenge

[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]

Drake: Now put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.

Josh: Me too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.

Drake: Look, let's just get out of here.

Josh: Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture Hervay.

Drake: Okay!

Josh: Smile Hervay.

[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]

Drake: Awww. He's playing dead.

Josh: I think he really is dead!

Drake: That hamster can't be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan is going to kill us!

Drake: Josh, Megan is going to kill us!

Josh: No-uh-look, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.

Drake: Think about it. Megan does horrible, horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, she has a reason!

Josh: Why do you want me to take a nap, Drake?

Drake: Because I'm worried about you man.

Josh: You're not on this with Megan aren't ya?

Drake: Josh!

Josh: You're in cahoots!

Drake: You're insane!

Josh: Cahooter!

Drake: Why would I be in cahoots with Megan?

Josh: 'Cause, You're the one who told her that I took the picture that killed Hervay to save your own butt.

Steered Straight

Josh: Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.

Drake: You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!

Josh: [takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?

Drake: Fake ID, here check mine out. [pulls out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]

Josh: [reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?

Drake: [laughs] Yeah, made it up.

Josh: [sarcastically] Oh REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?

Drake: Yep. And hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...

Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!

Drake: Yeah well it's illegal to rob banks but people do it!

Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

[after Blaze has gone]

Josh: Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?

Drake: Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.

Josh: Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.

Drake: Yeah, right, right, right, right.

Josh: Okay.

Drake: Uh...

Josh: Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.

Drake: Okay.

Josh: Teamwork.

Drake: Alright.

Josh: To the left.

Drake: Ow!

Josh: To the--

Drake: Grab it.

Josh: Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.

Drake: Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.

Josh: Oh, this isn't gonna work.

Drake: Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.

Josh: I'm not sticking my nose down there.

Drake: Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?

Josh: I think so.

Drake: Oh, just dial the number.

Josh: Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.

[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]

Drake: Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.

Josh: It is allergy season.

Megan's First Kiss

Megan: Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?

Drake: Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.

Josh: Why?

Drake: 'Cause we bought tickets.

Josh: [to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?

Megan: I don't care what you're doing.

Drake: But you just asked us.

Megan: Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves the room smiling]

Drake: Okay I wanna know what her deal is!

Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!

Drake: Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.

Josh: Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.

Drake: Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.

Josh: Really, you're not a smart boy.

[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews.]

Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!

Josh: I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.

Drake: I don't even know what accent to talk with.

Josh: Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.

Helen: Can I help you gentlemen find something?

Josh: [Irish accent] Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!

Helen: Potato?

Drake: [Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.

Josh: Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!

Drake: Pip pip da doodly-doo!

Helen: Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.

The Battle of the Pantathar

[Drakes arrives at The Premiere snack bar with a Beatles Abbey Road album in a hurry]

Drake: Josh, Josh, Josh. Look what I have. Look at it, look at it. Look what I got, look what I got.

Josh: What, what, what?

Drake: The Beatles Abbey Road album signed by all four Beatles.

Josh: No way. How did you get this?

Drake: You know that old guy from England who lives two blocks over from us?

Josh: Mr. Pompette? The guy with the hot granddaughter?

Drake: Yes. And yes. Look, anyway, his brother used to be a sound engineer for The Beatles back in the '60s, he has like a dozen of these autographed albums.

Josh: And he just gave this to you?

Drake: Yeah, for free. And all I gotta do is stay away from his granddaughter.

Josh: Unbelievable. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr.

Drake: I know.

[Drake enters his and Josh's room]

Drake: Hey.

Josh: Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?

Drake: Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.

Josh: Well, perfect, and?

Drake: He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.

Josh: [groans] I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?

Drake: Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.

Josh: I don't wanna get even. [whining] I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!

Drake: Bro, Thornton hates us.

Josh: Well, let's make him love us again.

Drake: I tried.

Josh: Well, maybe we can... [notices Drake's autographed Beatles Abbey Road album] Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?

Drake: Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- Oh, no, no. No way. [hides it in his arms] Don't even think about it.

Josh: I'm telling you, if we give him that album...

Drake: Absolutely not.

Josh: I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.

Drake: Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.

Josh: Dude.

Drake: Okay, but I love this album a lot.

Drake: Hello, what's your name?

Josh: Hi! Who are you?

Drake: What is your favorite thing to eat?

Josh: What games do you like to play?

Drake and Josh: Me too!

Drake: Hey, do you like me?

Josh: Do you wanna be my friend?

Drake: Aw, thank you!

Josh: ... What is that supposed to mean?

Drake: You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!

Josh: What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Don't fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!

Drake: A present? For me?

Josh: Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!

Drake: [holding a handed a plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!

Josh: I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!

Drake: Mmm... these are my favorite!

Josh: Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

Really Big Shrimp

Helicopter

[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]

Josh: Hey, hey. He's awake.

Drake: You're awake!

Vince: [wakes up] Oh, what happened? How long I been out?

Drake: About 10 minutes.

Vince: Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. [holds his head] Oh, what'd I hit my head on?

Josh: This fire extinguisher.

Vince: Oh.

Josh: See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- [sprays Vince out of the helicopter]

Vince: Aaah!

Drake: [sound of parachute opening] DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?!

Josh: I extinguished our pilot?

Drake: No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

Drake: Call for help, Call for help!

Josh: Ok, I'll call Mom and Dad.

Drake: No!

Josh: WHY NOT?!

Drake: If they find out I'm in this helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded.

Josh: Ok, if we don't get help, WE ARE GONNA BE PART OF THE GROUND!

Drake: Can't you call the fire department?

Josh: Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking they don't have a 7,000-foot LADDER!

[Vince rings the doorbell from outside]

Drake: I'll get it.

Josh: I'll call knob!

[Drake and Josh run to the door and open it realizing that it's Vince]

Vince: You blasted me out of my own helicopter.

Drake & Josh: Wha-- shh!

Drake: Not in front of our parents.

Audrey: Who is it?

Drake & Josh: Uh..

Drake: Some, crazy, guy.

[Josh whistles]

Walter: [to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?

Vince: Are you their father?

Walter: Yes. [Vince angrily gives Walter a bill] What's this?

Vince: A BILL. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.

Walter: What? [Looks at the bill] $400,000?!

[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]

Drake: [as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.

Josh: But, Dad--

Drake: [as Walter] Grounded two weeks.

Josh: But it wasn’t our fault!

Drake: [as Walter] Upstairs.

Josh: Yes, sir.

Drake: [as Walter] Night.

Josh: Night.

[as the episode ends, Drake and Josh head upstairs and ground themselves for two weeks as they know the consequences when Walter needs to pay $400,000 for Vince's new helicopter]

Dance Contest

Eric: So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.

Drake: Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

Dance Contest Host: Now welcome the pair of Drake Parker and Emily... [a girl runs out from backstage and hands the host a card] I'm sorry. There's been a change. Please welcome the pair of Drake Parker and Josh Nichols.

Megan and Audrey: [in unison] Oh, my God!

Drake and Josh: [last lines] Who is she?