The Drake & Josh Inn

[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]

Megan: What?

Drake: [singing] We're gonna be the boss of you

Josh: [singing] And you have to do-oo what we say

Drake: [singing] Ha ha!

Josh: [singing] Ha-ha ha haa!

Megan: Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?

Drake: We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.

Josh: Which means we are in charge of the house...

Drake: The refrigerator...

Josh: The TV set...

Drake: And, the you.

Drake: Everyone quiet please!

Josh: Okay we have an emergency!

Drake: Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!

College Guy: Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.

Josh: No! Alright there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!

Drake: Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!

Josh: So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-

Helen: I don't believe 'em!

Nikki: Yeah! Come on let's party!

[Everyone starts dancing again]

Drake: [to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!

Megan: [In Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in the boy's room, and soon green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room]

Josh: Oh no! Look! [Points to the vent]

Drake: It's the monoxipuff gas!

[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house]

Peruvian Puff Pepper

Drake: Sometimes when you plan to do one thing, something totally different happens.

Josh: Once I planned to ride my bike to the mall... I hit a bus.

Drake: Oh, oh, and there was this one time I planned a surprise birthday party for Josh...

Josh: And I'll never forget the surprise party Drake planned for my birthday.

Drake: When he walked in, we all yelled, "Surprise!"

Josh: I just wasn't expecting to be surprised by all those people in our room.

Drake: Josh was so shocked, he threw a punch and nailed our Aunt Barbara right in the jaw.

Josh: I punched my Aunt Barbara, uh, but it was an accident.

Drake: When she woke up, she was so mad, she took the present she bought for Josh, and ran over it in our driveway.

Josh: And then she ran over my new cell phone... with her truck.

Drake: The whole thing was pretty hysterical.

Josh: The whole thing was pretty disturbing.

Drake: The point is...

Josh: The point is...

Drake: ...whenever you plan something...

Josh: ...if you're gonna punch your aunt in the face...

Drake: ...don't be surprised if things take an unexpected twist.

Josh: ...she just might run over your new cell phone!

Drake: Yup.

Josh: Yeah...

[Drake and Josh are at Megan's room]

Drake: Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.

Josh: [hears electrical blurb] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!

Drake: So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]

Josh: So that's why that's been happening! [pause] I thought it was puberty.

We're Married

Josh: [while on the phone] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 9 days, you could walk around with sticky-butt!

Josh: Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man, if he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go into the kitchen and get himself ... [looks over at Drake holding a can of Coca Cola] Oh, geez.

Crazy Steve: [to Josh] Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down, talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, [screams] SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT OR SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!

Josh: [To Drake and Yooka]: So, I'm gonna see Ick Glokmah.

Mindy's Back

Drake: Hey! Get your hands off my sister's shoulder... I don't want her clothes infested with Mindy germs.

Mindy: Wow, Drake. I'm just impressed you knew the word "infested" and used it properly in a sentence.

Drake: Let's go, Megan. To burn your shirt.

Mindy: Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?

Josh: Oh yeah?

Mindy: Yeah. Say fort.

Josh: Fort.

Mindy: Say fort three times.

Josh: Fort, fort, fort.

Mindy: Spell it twice.

Josh: F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.

Mindy: Say it two more times.

Josh: Fort Fort.

Mindy: Now, what do you eat soup with?

Josh: With a Fork! Ha!

Mindy: Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.

Drake: Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-

Josh: [screaming] I KNOW!

The Affair

Josh: [to Megan] How do you know that?

Megan: I read Dad's e-mail.

Josh: How'd you get his password?

Megan: It wasn't that hard. His password is "Password".

Drake: Oh, THAT is dumb!

Megan: It's a new kind of dumb.

Josh: Yeah, it is. [walks over to his computer]

Drake: Going to change your password?

Josh: Maybe.

Josh: YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!

Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffle!

Josh: I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!

Drake: What's the difference?

Josh: Everything! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!

Drake: Oh, So I made a little mistake.

Josh: A HUGE mistake. All right, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably dying right now. DAD!!!

Playing the Field

Josh: There are more important things in life than kissing girls.

Drake: Name two.

Josh: I can't!

Drake: Tori...

Josh: [in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?

Drake: Okay, I'm not going to do this if you talk like that.

Josh: I'm being a girl.

Drake: What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?

Josh: [angrily] That tears it!

Helen's Surgery

Drake: Not just any candy. These are Super Power Mega Sours. The hottest and the sourest candy in the galaxy. [takes out one] And there it is.

Josh: Pretty big day for you isn't it?

Drake: The biggest! [puts the candy in his mouth]

Josh: So how is it?

Drake: It's pretty sour and it's pretty hot, I just expected it to be more. [makes sour face] OH MY GOD! OH it hurts! Oh my tongue! [runs in circles around kitchen]

Josh: So spit it out!

Drake: No! I wuv it!

Drake: Man, Helen, this place must have cost you like, a billion dollars.

Josh: Yeah, how do you afford all this?

Helen: Is that some of your business?

Drake: How do you afford it?

Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake...

Paging Dr. Drake

Drake: [looking at Josh's badly injured left foot] Looks like Mom's meatloaf! [family stares at him] Which tastes SO good!

Audrey: What happened?

Drake: He dropped a barbell on it.

Josh: Yeah, after you shot me with a potato!

Audrey: A potato?

Drake: It's a long story.

Walter: Why didn't you tell us about this?

Josh: 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?

Walter: Oh, come on!

Audrey: Do you know how serious this could be?

Walter: [after discovering Josh's foot] YOU COULD LOSE THAT FOOT!

Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!

Walter: Oh, excuse me, I'm here to see my son, Josh Nichols.

Nurse: Josh Nichols? I am so sorry -- he passed away.

Walter: What?!!

Nurse: Oh no. Josh Nichols, let me see. Oh, he's in the third floor. His surgery starts into one hour. [she leaves smiling]

Foam Finger

[Drake and Josh's flashback #1]

Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.

Little Drake: Um, could you not talk to me?

Little Josh: Haha! you're funny. Wanna be friends?

Little Drake: If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?

Little Josh: Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.

Little Drake: Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.

[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers except the last one]

Little Josh: Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!

Little Drake: Got any foam fingers left?

Vendor: Just one.

Little Drake: Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!

Little Josh: Heh!?

Vendor: Here you go, the last foam finger.

Little Drake: Ha-ha. I got the last foam finger!

Little Josh: Daddy! [little Drake hits him] You thumped me!

Little Drake: Did not.

Little Josh: Daddy!

[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]

Vendor: Cops! Cops!

[they continue fighting until the cops show up, the flashback ends]

Josh: And then the cops had to come break it up!

Drake: So it was Josh who started the fight.

Josh: That is so not how it happened.

Audrey: Oh, the poor little girl.

Josh: There's no poor little girl! Why would a dying British orphan be at a Padres game?

Drake: Orphans love baseball!

[Drake and Josh's flashback #3]

Little Josh: Hey.

Little Drake: Hey.

Little Josh: I'm Josh.

Little Drake: Drake.

Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.

Little Drake: Me, too.

Little Josh: Cool.

Lenny: Next in line.

Little Josh: Hey, you're up.

[Two girls walk up behind the boys]

Little Girl: Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?

Little Drake: Cool with you?

Little Josh: Sure.

Little Drake: Go ahead.

Little Josh: You know, my dad's a weatherman.

Little Drake: My mom loves weathermen.

Little Girl: Thanks. Bye. [She and the other girl leave]

Little Drake: One foam finger, please.

Lenny: O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.

Little Josh: Aw, that's the last foam finger?

Little Drake: I'm really sorry.

Little Josh: Daddy! [little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's butt] Aaah! You thumped me.

Little Drake: No, I didn't.

[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]

Lenny: Cops! Cops!

[they continue fighting until the cops show up, the flashback ends]

Josh: So... it was Megan who started the fight.

Lenny: That's right. She threw the cookie.

Megan: Wow. I was even cool then!

Girl Power

Drake: I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.

Lucy: Yeah. So now you're cool with it?

Drake: Cool with what?

Lucy: Dating a girl that's tougher than you.

Drake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.

Lucy: [laughing] Okay, whatever you say...

Josh: You see what you do? One night. One night I ask you to help me and you ruin it!

Drake: Josh...

Josh: [interrupts] I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I spent like two days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, [motions to harpist] who at this point, should stop playing! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? 'Cause she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! All right, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!

Drake: You spent $100 on ice?

Sheep Thrills

Drake and Josh: [After noticing Baaab in the kitchen] Yaaaaaa!

Audrey: What?

Drake: Something in my eye!

Josh: Somethin' in his eye!

Audrey: Let me take a look.

Drake: Yes, yes, you look.

Josh: And I'll [Looking for excuse to go into kitchen] ... go make smoothies!

Dr. Glazer: Yes, well I am not a vet, but if you want my diagnosis, I'd say that Baaab was pregnant. Was. Pregnant. That's $100.

Megan: Aww, look at the baby! Aww.

Drake: All right, we'll pay you 100 bucks, but can you do us a favor and -

Josh: [Continued] Not mention this to our parents?

Dr. Glazer: Fine. 150.

Megan's New Teacher

Josh: [with German accent] All right, I am a very famous person. Who am I?

Katie: A hobo?

Josh: No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.

Neil: Harry Potter.

Josh: No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.

Adam: A hobo!

Josh: [in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.

Megan: I told you, we weren't doing it.

Josh: Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?

Katie: I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.

Josh: And?

Katie: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

Adam: This is a college textbook!

Josh: [proudly] Yeaahh...

Megan: Hey, boob.

Josh: Hey, I'm your teacher!

Megan: Sorry Mr. Boob. This stuff is like way to hard for us.

Josh: Hey! I think that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.

Boy: Kevin's eating glue!

Josh: Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!?

[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]

Little Sibling

Becca: Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.

Mrs. Hayfer: What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!

Josh: What are the lunch ladies fighting about?

Becca: They're not really.

Josh: Then why'd you tell her they were?

Drake: [walks in] Thank you, Becca.

Drake: Ah, there's a 5, a 8 and a 9 1/2! What do you think?

Sammy: No, they're way older than that.

Drake: Not the ages, we are grading the hot they are. Sammy, guess who just walked in. A 7, a 9 and two 10's!

Sammy: Ah, who cares about girls?

Drake: HUH?! Sammy, don't ever say that!

Theater Thug

[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]

Megan: I so don't want to do this!

Josh: Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes!

Drake: What are you guys doing?

Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.

Drake: [to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!

Josh: I just want to be good, alright?

Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.

Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?

Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!

Josh: Drake, yell action!

Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.

Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?

Megan: What?

Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!

Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.

Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!

Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.

Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?

Megan: What?

Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!

Megan: There's a cop behind you.

Josh: [turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind...

[Drake and Megan laugh]

Josh: Drake, what are you doing here?

Drake: You told me you'll need a ride.

Josh: Yeah, but at 6 pm. And now is like 4 pm.

Drake: So take the bus.

Josh: No, Drake. Please, wait here for me.

Drake: What am I gonna do during 2 hours in a movie theater?

Josh: [sarcastic] Uh, I don't know?

Drake: Hey, I could see a movie.

Josh: Genius!

Drake: I want to see The Eye of the Mummy. But with someone.

Josh: Drake, the movie starts at 4:10. You just have 2 minutes left. You really think you can find someone?

Drake: Watch me. [he is going to meet a girl] Hey, I'm Drake.

Hazel: Hi.

Drake: You wanna see a movie with me?

Hazel: Sure. [they are on the way to see the movie]

Drake: So, what's your name?

Hazel: Hazel.

Drake: Oh, like the nut.

Hazel: Yeah.

The Demonator

[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]

Josh: Hi, parents.

Drake: Bye, parents.

Walter: [stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?

Drake: Uh, to make history.

Josh: We're going to ride The Demonator.

Audrey: No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.

Drake: Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.

Josh: Why do I always have to grab the feet?

[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]

Walter: Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.

Josh: Sure we can.

Drake: Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]

Walter: The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.

Drake: Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.

Josh: The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!

Audrey: Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?

Josh: Yes.

Drake: Fine.

[Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]

Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.

Papa Nichols: [wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?

Eric: He's disoriented.

Papa Nichols: What did you call me?

Eric: Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...

Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?

Craig: What does he mean "his unit"?

[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]

Eric: I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.

Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a phone] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!

Eric: Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.

Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say!

Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...

Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!

Craig: Eric!

Papa Nichols: [mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!

[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]

Alien Invasion

Josh: Hey, she out there?

Drake: Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.

Josh: Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.

Drake: Mmm, ham radio.

Josh: Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.

Drake: Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait..... [Josh takes the mic]

Josh: We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!

Drake: You know there's a way to correct people nicely.

Josh: Hey! Hey!

Drake: Oh, sorry. Do you want some sandwich?

Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you please turn that off?!

Drake: [takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky... [Josh brakes his pencil cause of the anger] ...and now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.

Josh: Could you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don´t you have homework to do?

Drake: My homework is already been taken care of. [gives a note to Josh]

Josh: [Reading fake Doctors note] "Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write... or bathe. Yours truly: The Doctor."

Drake: Wrote it myself!

Josh: Shouldn't the doctor have a name?

Drake: Oh, yeah. Here, gimme that. [thinks a while] Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah?

Josh: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!

Drake: Cool!

Dr. Phyllis Show

Josh: But not just me, he takes advantage of everyone.

Drake: Oh, name one time.

Josh: Okay, uhh... that girl Liza.

Drake: Hot Liza?

Josh: Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your girlfriend back.

Drake: That's an exasperation!

Josh: Exaggeration, read a book would ya!

Drake: No!

Dr. Phyllis: Drake, tell me more about this hot Liza.

Drake: Let me tell ya, Liza Tuffer, worst kisser ever!

Josh: I have heard that.

Dr. Phyllis: Liza Tuffer?

Drake: Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!

Dr. Phyllis: You're saying she's dumb?

Drake: And a bad kisser!

Dr. Phyllis: [Anger rising] Liza Tuffer happens to be my daughter!