The Bet

[after Drake and Josh forgot to pick up Megan, their mom sent them to their room]

Drake: You do realize this is your fault.

Josh: No, I do not realize that!

Drake: You couldn't stop playing your video games for ten minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?

Josh: Hey, number one, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!

Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh: You're addicted to video games.

Josh: I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!

Drake: How sad.

Josh: Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?

Drake: [throws bag of Cheese Balls, and picks up video game controller.] [mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!

Josh: [stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth.] [mockingly] Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls! [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]

Drake: [dryly] Which you're allergic to.

[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls and uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs.]

Drake: [comes in his and Josh's room] Why is it dark in here? [he turns on the light and get shocked that Josh decorated the room filled with junk food] Josh, what did you do?

Josh: What do you mean, Drake?

Drake: It's all candy and junk food.

Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yeah. I suppose it is!

Drake: [points to a pink pillow] Pillow?

Josh: Cotton candy.

Drake: But, Josh, how did you all this--

Josh: [raises a big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh. Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.

Guitar

[Josh just accidentally broke Devin's hand]

Manager: Are you hurt?

Devin: Yes.

Manager: Is it your hand?

Devin: [annoyed] Yes!

Manager: How many fingers am I holding up?

Devin: I don't care!

Drake: Hey, I gotta hit the bathroom. Will you, uh, stare at her for me while I'm gone?

Josh: You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?

Drake: I could pee in here.

Josh: I'll stare.

Movie Job

Helen: Drake, did I just see you sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?

Josh: Busted.

Drake: Yes, yes I did Helen. And I'll tell you why.

Helen: Tell me why?

Drake: Well, those four kids. They're Norwegian.

Josh: Heh?!

Helen: It means, they're from Norway!

Drake: And as I'm sure you know Norway is on the metric system. So in Norway, PG-13 is really PG-9.

Helen: Yeah, i know. Metrics.

Drake: So I didn't want to start an international incident.

Helen: Nice. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake.

Helen: Do you have a job?

Josh: No.

Helen: Are you, uh, all right in the head?

Josh: I think so.

Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.

Josh: What?!

Helen: Get to work!.

Football

[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]

Drake: What happened to you?

Josh: Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!

Drake: So...you didn't make the team.

Josh: Oh, I made the team.

Drake: Really?! That's so cool!

Josh: Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] e-quipment manager! [Drake stares at Josh] ...E-quipment manager!

Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?

Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.

Football Player: Coach, you better Check on Witherspoon, he looks really bad!

Josh: How many brownies did you eat?

Witherspoon: 17. [gags] Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again.

Coach: Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!

Josh: Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!

Coach: Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!

Josh: Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit!

Coach: Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!

Drake: Josh will play Center!

Josh: Josh who?!

Drake: Josh you! You'll be great and cool!

Josh: And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals... animals!

Coach: Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!

Drake: Yes!

Josh: No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!

Pool Shark

Drake: I think we should go easy on these guys.

Josh: How come?

Drake: It's Eric.

Josh: What's up?

Drake: His mom, is in the hospital.

Josh: Oh, God. What happened?

Drake: It's her tongue; it´s like 10 times bigger than the normal... yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.

Josh: Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.

Drake: Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.

Josh: I'm so excited.

Drake: I'm so annoyed.

Josh: My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.

Drake: My mom's trying to get me to hang out more. with Josh.

Josh: I'm really psyched about it.

Drake: Kill me.

Smart Girl

[Josh paces in the Janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]

Josh: OW! Thank you for the butt bruise!

Drake: Are you ready? You know what to do, right?

Josh: Yeah. Cheat.

Drake: I told you, its not cheating.

Josh: Beg to differ.

Drake: Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.

Josh: No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.

Drake: Come on, Josh. Please?

Announcer: [From the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.

Drake: Well?

Josh: Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.

Drake: Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me your piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks Brother.

Josh: You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]

Drake: What are you doing?!

Josh: What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.

Drake: Well you're not doing a very good job.

Josh: Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!

Drake: Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?

Josh: Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!

Drake: Listen to me...

Josh: No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! [leaves the Janitor's closet]

Drake: Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!

Little Diva

Drake: Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...

Josh: Who's Ethan LaRoche?

Drake: I don't know, but he's gonna be there!

[later]

Josh: Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!

Drake: Who's that?

Josh: I don't know!

Woman: Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president?

Drake and Josh: Ahhh..uhhmmm...

[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]

Drake: Uhhh.. she says it was challenging, but rewarding.

Reporters: Oowwww!

Man: My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her.

Drake: Yes?

Man: Why are you answering for her?

Josh: She has laringitis!

Drake: She lost her voice singing in-

Josh: -the asylum!

Drake: So, that's why the press conference is over!

[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]

Blues Brothers

Drake: [to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.

Josh: And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.

Fan Girl: Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!

Drake & Josh: WHO ARE YOU?!

Fan Girl: I love you. Bye! [runs away]

Josh: [to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.

Drake: Yeah...

Megan: I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me.

Josh: I'm not nervous at all.

Megan: Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the fourth grade, Josh, the twitch.

Josh: Who told you I twitched?

Megan: Dad.

Josh: Dad!

Josh: Oh, why'd you have to tell her about the twitch?!

Driver's License

Drake: Okay, I thought a little beef reward for oh, I dunno, helping you keep your license.

Josh: Okay, that's it, stop dropping guilt bombs on me. Look, I understand you did me a favor. I appreciate it, and you taking a advantage of it, and I wouldn't have it, you hear.

Drake: Oh yeah, I hear you, and then dad's gonna wanna hear how you ran a stop and got a pretty little ticket. What you say to that?

Josh: I say [pauses] it's taco time!

Drake: Are you gonna open the door?

Josh: [mumbles angrily] You're pushing it.

[After being pulled over because of a tail light being out]

Police Officer: So, you we're the one driving this car?

Josh: Yeah...

Police Officer: Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.

Josh: No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.

Police Officer: What for?

Josh: Well, one for the faulty tail light... And one for this! [attacks Drake]

#1 Fan

[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]

Josh: All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up.

Wendy: So what movie are we seeing?

Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.

[All the Campfire Kids groan]

Pete: You're the worst!

Josh: [sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?

Megan: I'd call Mom on my cellphone.

Josh: Say you didn't have your cellphone.

Megan: I always have my cellphone.

Josh: The battery's dead.

Megan: I always carry a-

Josh: It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.

Megan: So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cellphone?

Josh: That tears it, we're seeing a movie!

[the Campfire Kids cheer]

[in Drake and Josh's room, Josh makes his bed until Drake arrives]

Drake: Josh, I have a problem.

Josh: Does it itch?

Drake: No. My problem is Wendy, your little forest fire kid.

Josh: Ohh. Your #1 fan.

Drake: Yeah, who's obsessed with me. Today, she verbally assaulted my date. And look, Megan found her notebook.

[hands Wendy's notebook to Josh]

Josh: Oh-ho. She wrote "Drake and Wendy" over and over. [flips through every page] Hey. If you flip through the pages really fast, there's a little cartoon of you two walking and holding hands.

[shows it to Drake]

Drake: Oh, yeah, I wonder-- [flings the notebook in the air] D'OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR ANIMATION! She's obsessed with me!

Josh: You're exaggerating.

Drake: Oh, yeah? Here, check out our answering machine.

[walks over to the phone, then starts dialing Wendy's home number and presses a button]

Wendy: [on answering machine] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if you were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! Please leave a message.

[the phone beeps]

Drake: See what I mean?

Josh: So? She has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.

Drake: Oprah?

Josh: She's an inspiration! Dude, don't worry about Wendy. This week, she loves you. Next week, she'll love...

Drake: [jokingly] Oprah?

Josh: Don't mock me.

Drake: Fine. I just hope you're right.

Josh: I am right. And you really should give Oprah a chance, she is quite--

[they hear knocking on their window]

Drake: What's that?

Josh: I don't know.

[they walk over to find out. Drake opens the blinds and is shocked to see Wendy with a jar of pickles]

Drake: Aah! Wendy? What are you doing here?

Wendy: I brought you some pickles. Oh, and will you marry me? [Drake closes the blinds on her, then turns to Josh and is irritated] They're vertically sliced for sandwiches!

[Drake angrily arrives home from school]

Wendy: Hey, Drake!

Drake: DON'T TALK, JUST LISTEN!

Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?

Drake: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOUR LITTLE FLYERS CAUSED ME? EVERYONE IN MY ENTIRE SCHOOL MADE FUN OF ME TODAY BECAUSE OF YOU!

Wendy: They just don't understand our relationship.

Drake: WE DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP! YOU GOT IT? I'M NOT GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU, AND I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND! SO, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! [walks away]

[last lines]

Drake: Alright, kids. Who wants to go to Chuck E. Cheddar's?

Pete: I love Chuck E. Cheddar's!

[the Campfire Kids cheer as they and Drake head out the door leaving Josh behind in the tent]

Josh: Hey! I want to go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! Aw, come on, let me out! I want to whack the mole! [shakes the tent and struggles to get out] Drake? Megan? Can I just get some water? [shakes it once more] THERE'S NO BATHROOM IN HERE! THAT'S A PROBLEM! [the tent tumbles over and he crawls in it]

Mean Teacher

Mrs. Hayfer: [comes in] Morning, class. I graded your essays. Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]

Josh: Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.

Mrs. Hayfer: Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.

Josh: Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.

Mrs. Hayfer: Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]

Drake: D-? What's wrong with it?

Mrs. Hayfer: I don't know, just write another one.

Drake: Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?

Josh: Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.

Mrs. Hayfer: Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey originally written in what language? Drake!

Drake: Uh... Greek.

Mrs. Hayfer: WRONG! Todd.

Todd: Greek?

Mrs. Hayfer: CORRECT!

[Drake looks at Josh after Todd gets the right answer]

[Drake is waiting outside of Mrs. Hayfer's house]

Drake: Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy... Circus?

Mrs. Hayfer: [answers the door] Who's out here?

Drake: Hey, is Kelly- [sees Mrs. Hayfer coming out of the house] HOLY SNOT!

Mrs. Hayfer: What a charming sentiment.

Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?

Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?

Drake: Wait. Isn't this Kelly's address?

Mrs. Hayfer: Wait... you're the boy who's been dating my daughter?

Drake: You're Kelly's mom!?

Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick.

Drake: Oh, right there with you.

Kelly: [comes out] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]

Drake: Yeah, I was expecting my English teacher to be your mom.

Kelly: Are you one of my mom's students?

Mrs. Hayfer: If you use the term student loosely.

Drake: Well, I better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]

Kelly: Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?

Drake: Um.

Kelly: Why do you take me to play miniature golf?

Drake: Oh, you know I-

Kelly: Oh, I'll get my platter. [goes inside the house]

Drake: So, nice night, huh?

Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.

Drake: I know.

The Gary Grill

FBI Man: [comes in] Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills.

Josh: Your friend is why?

Drake: So, how many do you want?

FBI Man: Well, tell you what, we'll take them all.

Drake: Wait, you want all of them?

FBI Man: That's right. [shows them the badge]

Josh: Sorry, we only accept cash.

FBI Man: These are badges. [show them the badge]

Drake: Dude, cash only.

FBI Man: I don't think you understand. Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?

Drake and Josh: Yes?

FBI Man: You're under arrest possession and sale of stolen property.

Drake: Stolen the grills?

FBI Man: That's right.

Josh: We we're just selling them for these two guys.

Drake: Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen.

FBI Man: Right. Sure, come with us please. [handcuffs Drake and Josh]

Josh: Drake!

Drake: Yeah.

Josh: I read about prison.

Drake: And.

Josh: IT AIN'T FUN!

[the FBI take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]

[Drake and Josh are sent to jail]

Josh: Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! [the police lock the bars] Drake, do something!

Drake: Yeah, what do you want me to do?

Josh: Tell them we didn't steal those grills!

Drake: I did, they don't believe us!

Josh: Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! [Drake grabs him]

Drake: Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These kids are tough.

Josh: Right.

Drew & Jerry

[Drake finds a trash dog outside and takes it to his and Josh's room]

Josh: Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?

Drake: I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.

Josh: So you let him lick my face?

Drake: Get dressed, we're late.

Josh: Late for what?

Drake: Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.

Josh: 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.

Drake:You're hanging out with Drew today?

Josh: He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.

Drake: So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?

Josh: But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]

Drake: Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the trash dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]

[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]

Megan: Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?

Drake: Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh bummed me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.

Megan: Ooh, somebody's jealous.

Drake: I'm not jealous.

Megan: Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.

Drake: You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.

Megan: You should.

Drake: I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?

Megan: I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]

Honor Council

Walter: You have been known to 'act out'.

Drake: Like when?

Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.

Drake: By accident!

Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.

Drake: To make money!

Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?

Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister!

Drake: What's your grade point average?

Mindy: I have a 4.0.

Josh: So you're saying you have all A's?

Mindy: That's what I'm saying!

Drake and Josh: Reeeaally?

Josh: Cause we happen to have a copy of your transcript.

Drake: And your grades.

Josh: That's what transcript means!

Drake: Oh…