Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

Episodes

Pilot

[Drake sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows whistle]
Audrey: Drake!
Drake: Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
Josh: What happened?! I heard screaming!
Walter: It's alright son, there's nothing to mop here.
Drake: Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
Josh: Tell him.
Audrey: Wait, uh Drake quick get your sister.
Drake: [yelling] Megan!
Megan: [referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
Audrey: Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and, we have some news!
Drake: You got me a dirt bike?
Audrey: No... [She and Walter exchange looks]
Audrey and Walter: WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack]
Drake: Y-you're getting mer- me- merr-
Walter: Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
Drake: W-wait, wait. You mean, he's gonna be- be my s- my step-father? [Walter chuckles and nods, Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods] You're gonna be-- He's gonna be my--?
Josh: Hug me, brotha'! [Hugs Drake, lifting him a bit]
[Drake screams]
[Josh walks over to open the front door, suddenly Buck barges the door open on Josh]
Tiffany: Buck!
Buck: [Buck grabs Josh by his shirt] So, it's true!
Josh: What? That I have a concussion?
Buck: I turn my back for five minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
Josh: Trouble... breathing!
Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.
Buck: Yeah? Well you can't date a guy with no HEAD! [Josh cries] You're Hamburger meat. You understand me?
Josh: [crying] But I'm a vegetarian!
Buck: Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. [Shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]
Tiffany: That was so romantic!
Drake: [comes out of the kitchen] And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
Josh: [Looks down at his pants] Done.

Dune Buggy

[Josh had just had Walter attack Drake despite him being injured.]
Josh: You, uh, wanted to chat?
Drake: Why did you make him attack me?
Josh: 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
Drake: What's that supposed to-
Josh: You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it!
Drake: What-what-what're you talking about?
Josh: I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there.
Drake: [looks awkwardly] Oh.
Josh: Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
Drake: Do Mom and Dad know?
Josh: They're gonna!
Drake: Don't you do that to me!
Josh: Fine! You tell them.
Drake: Are you crazy?
Josh: No, I'm honest!
Drake: What?
Josh: I'm grounded for two weeks!
Drake: Josh, you know what-
Josh: We spent like a hundred hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is...getting away with it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy... again... and you just keep worrying about yourself. (beat) It's what you're best at.
Drake: Oh yeah?! Well you're not so- ow.
[Josh brings a box of pizza to Drake in their room.]
Josh: Pizza's here.
Drake: Thanks. [He takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?
Josh: The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
Drake: Yeah, me too.
Josh: Heh?
Drake: Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas... yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
Josh: I- I don't understand-!
Drake: Hold that thought. [Through his walkie-talkie] Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about twenty minutes maybe some ice cream?
Walter: [Through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. [Sing-song voice, from the living room] Jo-osh!
Josh: Aw, come on!

Believe Me, Brother

Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
Drake: Susan?!
Susan: Ew! Josh, what are you doing? I'm Drake's girlfriend!
Josh: Drake! It's not what you think. [turns around] Dear God, thank you for my first kiss! Amen!
[after Susan dumps both of them]
Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
Drake: Yes, that felt good.
[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]
Susan: Ugh!
Drake: ... That felt better.
Josh: Yeah it did!

Two Idiots and a Baby

[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
Drake: Josh! I'm trying to work on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [he unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
Josh: [loudly] I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M WEARING EARPLUGS!
Drake: Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, can't you work on your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
Josh: It's not a dork machine. It's a one A scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
Drake: So?
Josh: So, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [he launches the Catapult]
Drake: Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
Josh: This is my room.
Drake: It was my room first.
Josh: Alright, let's compromise. We could- [Drake strums his guitar] I was going to say- [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted- [Drake strums a third time] HEADACHES!
[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]
Drake: All right. Where is he?
Megan: I think he's dangling from the gutter.
Drake: Not Josh! The baby!
Megan: What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Drake: Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
Megan: [laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
Drake: [pulls Megan up by her shirt; teeth gritting] WHERE IS THE BABY?

First Crush

Drake and Josh: And the most important thing is to be yourself.
Drake: ...Unless you're Josh.
Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
Josh: Girlfriend, please.

Grammy

Scotty: Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
Rina: This is not backstage!
Paul: This is practically jail.
Drake: Those guys are cops.
Rina: Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
Scotty: Guys, the tickets are not fake.
Drake: Are you sure?
Scotty: I photocopied them myself. [everyone looks upset] What?
Drake: You can't photocopy tickets!
Scotty: Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
Drake: No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!
Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated twelve musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
Josh: I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
Josh: [jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?"
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