A Princess, an Elf, and a Demon Walk Into a Bar

Elf Leader: For centuries, no elf has ever left Elfwood.

Speako: Except Leavo.

Elf Leader: Speak no more of Leavo, Speako!

The Enchantress: The bonding has begun. It could take weeks, or even years.

Cloyd: We'll need chairs.

The Enchantress: Dark chairs.

[Elfo prepares to leave Elfwood]

Elf Leader: Elfo, no! It is forbidden!

Superviso: I don't know why we keep that lever there.

For Whom the Pig Oinks

The Princess of Darkness

Bean: [high on snake root] Wow. My God, you guys, we should start a band. [They start clapping rhythmically] Yes, we sound amazing. We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country, playing what we want to play, never selling out, never splitting up. Elfo, you're out of the band!

Elfo: What the hell?

Bean: We're a duo now. The fans didn't even notice. Luci, you fell off a balcony, or were you pushed? We'll never find out. Dreams come true because I am a solo act now! The fans love my voice. I have dreadlocks, but then I shave my head, like a true artist. Why is the crowd booing? Oh no, I'm the talentless one! Elfo, you came back! Luci, I thought I pushed you. I mean, we're together again. Let's get out there. We're back on top. Nothing will stop us now. Oh no, I have cancer. What? [She collapses]

Elfo: I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean. [he and Luci start clapping again. Bean cheerfully sits up and joins in]

Elfo: You'll be amazed how much fun I am on my own. [Bean puts flower in the basket] [chuckles] That's not a daisy.

Bean: What?

Elfo: [chuckles] You put a dandelion in the daisy basket.

Bean: So?

Elfo: So, we're making a daisy chain, not a dandelion chain. Why even bother to call it a daisy chain if you're just gonna... [crying] Oh, God. I'm so sorry! I lied! I'm not really fun. The pressure... it just got to me! [gasps] And then the pressure to sustain the lie? Oh, God, it was a nightmare!

Castle Party Massacre

Man: Things get confusing in a world with occasional magic and curses. While I am a fan of such worlds, I just feel some more clearly set out rules for what can and cannot happen would help us... [He gets shot with an arrow. A non-talking one]

Bean: [after Elfo comes between her and Sven] What is your problem, man? This weekend was my one chance at freedom, and you ruined it, just like my dad. [She walks out the door] You are just a little, green Zøg.

Elfo: No, wait! I was just trying to control you... Ohhh. Well, it's not like your dad is entirely... Ohhh. Well, at least he... Ohhh...

Faster, Princess! Kill! Kill!

Stan The Executioner: You can do it Bean, just use the force - centrifugal force.

Bean: I...I can't.....

Spectators: [moaning in disappointment] Aw....

Boy: This is the worst field trip ever!

Stan: I misspoke. You're not just a coward, You're also a loser! [A depressed cowardly Bean walks away] Hey everybody! Look at her! There she goes! The bitch! The whore! The coward! The loser! [cackling] There she goes!

King Zog: [feeling pity] Everytime that girl gets a little responsibility, somebody winds up alive...

Zog: For outstanding bravery, foresight and wisdom, I hereby award myself this medal for the extraordinary parenting that turned you from a worthless buck-toothed degenerate to a ruthless executioner with a beautiful smile. I'm proud of you Beanie.

Bean: Really?

Zog: Not that you care what I think.

Bean: Yeah - I'm kinda cool that way. Thanks Pops. [whispers] Mention my buck-teeth again and I'll use them to bite out your spinal cord.

Zog: That's my girl!

Swamp and Circumstance

Bean: Stop! Nobody fries my dad.

Hillbilly #1: Yeah? Which one of y'all gonna stop us? Skinny girl? Kitty cat? Gross baby?

Elfo: [Chuckles at Luci] He called you a gross baby!

Love's Tender Rampage

Attendant: [Sees the drunken bodies of the trio, thinking they're corpses] So tragically young [throws Bean in cart] So tragically small [throws Elfo in cart] Eh... This thing had it comin'! [grabs Luci by his tail and throws him in the cart]

Prince Merkimer: I never had to stoop to kindness or charm. But now those things are gone and so are the ladies. So, tell me why the damsels flock to you, someone far more repulsive than yours porkly.

Luci: I would love to give you some great advice, BUT IT WILL COME AT A GREAT COST! Occasionally I get to ride you like a horse.

The Limits of Immortality

Luci: Entertainment is just a tool that pacifies the masses, and leads to the decay and ultimate collapse of civilization... let's clap along!

Malfus: The Eternity Pendant must not fall into the wrong hands!

Bean: Malfus, how do you know we'll use the vial properly? You don't know anything about us.

Malfus: I know all about you, Tiabeanie.

Bean: But I didn't tell you my name.

Malfus: It's a long story. I...

Luci: [spurring the horse] Hyah!

[Bean and company ride off]

To Thine Own Elf Be True

King Elf: Humans bring nothing but treachery and pain.

Bean: I also brought booze.

Elfo: No, I can't go crawling back home! It will wreck my image as a total badass!

Luci: What'd you do? Forget to return a library book?

Elfo: [gasps] Yes! I can never go back home!

Dreamland Falls

Bean: That's never happened to me before - that thing with my fingers.

Queen Dagmar: As you reach maturity you will notice many more changes.

Bean: Duh, I already know.

Queen Dagmar: This isn't a sex talk...

Bean: Oh - what kind of talk is it?

Queen Dagmar: There are some things you need to know about yourself, Bean.

Queen Dagmar: The thing about your father Tiabeanie, is that he wants to change you: I want you as you were born to be.

Bean: What was I born to be, mom?

The Disenchantress

The Enchantress: If you need anything, just ring.

[Bean tests out the bell]

Bean: There's no clapper.

The Enchantress: That's okay. These rooms are soundproof anyway.