New Mexico [1.01]

Elise: Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a six-pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.

Chris: Did he give you money for that?

Elise: No, but don't worry. I have enough.

Chris: I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-

Elise: Chris.

Chris: Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.

Elise: Chris, remember what we talked about?

Chris: Which time?

Elise: About eating healthier.

Chris: Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?

Elise: It does.

Chris: Oh. All right. All right, then I'll only get one thing.

Elise: Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love

Chris: Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes

Elise: Okay.

Chris: with cookies in them.

Elise: Chris.

Chris: It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.

Elise: Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.

Chris: ...Dan said we were having burgers.

Elise: If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!

Chris: [stammers] I mean, it depends.

Elise: Don't jump off a cliff!

Chris: Well, I wasn't planning on it.

Elise: But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!

Chris: So how do you plan to-

Dan: Hydrogen.

Chris: Hydrogen?

Dan: Shut up.

The Wolf-Man [1.02]

Dan: What took you so long?

Chris: Nice to see you too!

Dan: Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!

Chris: There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.

Dan: How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!

Chris: There's an animal shelter right there.

Dan: Look!

Chris: Those are sneaker prints.

Dan: Exactly!

Chris: Exactly what?

Dan: What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!

Chris: So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.

Dan: He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!

Chris: If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Dan: Obviously, he runs like this!

Chris: He doesn't run like that in the movies.

Dan: This isn't the movies - THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD - THE WOLF-MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR, AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!

Chris: Why next month?

Dan: Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?

Chris: So what are we doing today?

Dan: Nothing! Go home!

Ambulance Guy 1: He's definitely not okay.

Ambulance Guy 2: He won't be getting up for a long time.

The Dentist [1.03]

Receptionist: Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.

Dan: It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.

Chris: Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.

Dan: I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.

Chris: At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.

Dan: What?

Chris: Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.

Dan: Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?

Chris: Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.

Dan: Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.

Chris: You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.

Dan: And now twice in one week! Don't you think that's suspicious?

Chris: Not really.

Dan: Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!

Chris: Oh, what's your plan?

Dan: We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!

Chris: Wow, I am so not okay with that.

Dan: Oh, come on. You said you'd help.

Chris: Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?

Dan: Quisling.

Chris: If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?

Dan: Probably.

The Ninja [1.04]

Dan: This guy doesn't make cookies, this guy steals cookies.

Elise: I'm getting to that.

Dan: You may proceed.

Ninja: Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abomidable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?

The Animal Shelter [1.05]

Chris: Have I been poisoned?

Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?

Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?

Doctor: Okay, let's get those pants off.

Dan: Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.

Doctor: [chuckles] Oh, don't worry. I'm not a doctor.

Canada [1.06]

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]

Chris: Hello.

Dan: I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!

Chris: Who is this?

Dan: Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]

Elise: What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?

Chris: Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.

Elise: Oh, that Dan.

Chris: Always covered in something.

Elise: [checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.

Dan: [on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.

Chris Who's that? [hangs up]

Elise: Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.

Dan: [after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

Traffic [1.07]

[when the parking lot had a massive explosion]

Chris: Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan: Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

Dan: [finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.

Helicopter Hal: I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Dan: Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]

Helicopter Hal: Why?

Dan: That's for making me pee!

Helicopter Hal: What?

Dan: You love traffic!

Helicopter Hal: Well, it is my bread and butter! [Dan punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter! Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

Dan: I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.

[the helicopter flies off]

Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre [1.08]

[Dan, Elise, and Chris are at the Dinner theatre watching a particularly bad performance of Romeo and Juliet]

Dan: Oh, this is terrible. Come on. [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.

Man: [walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.

Dan: Ow! You scalded me, you jackanape!

Man: Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.

Theater Main Actor: What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?

Nervous Actor: [walks up to Dan] All right, sir, it is time for you to make haste.

Dan: You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.

Police Officer: Sir, there's no loitering here.

Dan: I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.

Police Officer: Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--

Dan: [yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!

Police Officer: [gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.

Dan: Loitering?

Police Officer: Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.

Dan: It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Chris: Hello.

Dan: We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris: Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan: With Elise?

Elise: Yes, Dan.

Dan: You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up?

Baseball [1.09]

Dan: Baseball is a contemptible sport. It's not contemptible. It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris: How exactly?

Dan: It preempted my stories.

Chris: I meant the mirror thing.

Dan: Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris: He's called a commissioner.

Dan: Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris: How do you plan to do that?

Dan: Step one, you drive me to Washington. Step two, shut up.

Chris: Okay, I'll go.

Dan: I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris: Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in three days.

Dan: Wait. You like baseball?

Chris: I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan: Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris: Uh, no.

Dan: Fine. One leg. Come and pick me up.

Dan: [after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris: Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

The Salvation Armed Forces [1.10]

Chris: Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan".

Dan: I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.

Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.

Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.

Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!

The Beach [1.11]

Dan: [as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!

Dan: [as the boat sinks] This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.

George Washington [1.12]

[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]

Chris: Dan, no!

Madame Zelda: What are you, a psychopath?

Dan: Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!

Chris: There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]

Elise: Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Chris: Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?

Dan: Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Chris: And what state is it in?

Dan: I DON'T KNOW! ECUADOR? WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Elise: So there IS a savant half.

Technology [1.13]

Hiram: I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.

Chris: [flatly] We get you.

Dan: Gahh.

Chris: So can we go home now?

Dan: Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?

Chris: You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?

Dan: What are you talking about?

Chris: Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.

Dan: Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!

Chris: See?

Dan: I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.

Chris: If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.

Dan: Oh, I think that's a stretch.

Chris: You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]

Dan: We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.

Chris: We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]

Hiram: To the ends of the Earth!

Chris: Well, I've been wrong before.

The Barber [1.14]

[Dan gets ready to have his haircut]

Dan: One haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.

Barber: Why do you have her driver's license?

Dan: To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.

Barber: Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]

Dan: [inside the barber shop] No! You made me a monster!

Barber: Wait! You forgot your lollipop!

[Dan runs off and hides his haircut]

Art [1.15]

Chris: I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?

Dan: It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a security guard takes it away from him.] Huh?

Old Security Guard: No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]

Dan: Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.

[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower. Next, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]

Chris: [while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.

Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.

Old Security Guard: [walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.

Dan: Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.

Security Guard: First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

Dan: The bench? The bench is art now?

Security Guard: And the sandwich.

Chris: [gasps] Oh. Sorry.

Security Guard: Wasn't there also an apple pie?

[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]

Chris: This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.

Dan: [reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.

Chris: I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.

Dan: No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]

[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]

Chris: What now?

Dan: There's no way to ruin art.

Chris: What do you mean? We ruined it.

Dan: I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.

Chris: Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.

Dan: If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.

Chris: I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.

Elise's Parents [1.16]

Dan: I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.

Elise: You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything—never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi-governmental organization?

Dan: Wait, what was that?

Elise: What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.

Dan: You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?

Elise: Don't you even think about it.

Dan: Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.

Elise: Let's establish some ground rules. One, you will not mess up my house in any way.

Dan: Fine.

Elise: Two, you will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. Three, you will not set anything they own on fire.

Dan: Oh, come on!

Elise: Four, if and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?

Dan: Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.

Elise: And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]

Chris: You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.

Elise: Yes, it will be.

Chris: It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.

Elise: There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.

Chris: Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-

Elise: You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.

Chris: Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?

Elise: That's the food industry for you.

Chris: That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.

Elise: Only less fun.

The Fancy Restaurant [1.17]

Dan: Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.

Talking Sandwich: I like you, Dan. You're always right.

Dan: Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.

Elise: Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.

Chris: I'm trying to chew quietly.

Elise: Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.

Chris: Oh, you're the best.

Elise: Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?

Chris: [sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.

Elise: I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.

Chris: Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.

Elise: Is it our anniversary?

Chris: I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.

Elise: We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.

Chris: Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.

Elise: And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.

Chris: Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.

Elise: You know what? I's not our anniversary.

Chris: And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.

Elise: You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.

Dan [1.18]

[Dan goes inside his apartment and meets with Imposter Dan that looks similar to him]

Imposter Dan: This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.

Dan: Who are you?

Imposter Dan: Who are you?

Dan: I'm Dan.

Imposter Dan: I'm Dan.

Dan: Stop it.

Imposter Dan: Stop it. I should probably just go. [runs out of the apartment]

Dan: Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?

Imposter Dan: I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [Imposter Dan runs off]

Imposter Dan: [opens the door] May I help you?

Chris: He's real.

Dan: What are you doing in my apartment?

Imposter Dan: Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.

Dan: Why would anyone want to be Dan?

Imposter Dan: I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

Dan: You've been reading my journal?

Elise: What does he mean, "unflattering"?

Imposter Dan: You ask why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

Dan: [yelling] OFFPUDDING!! ANGRY!!

Imposter Dan: That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

Dan: Well, l-- I have a foosball table, so I got that going for me.

Imposter Dan: You don't even like foosball.

Dan: He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

Imposter Dan: You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

Dan: ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]

Elise: Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?

Imposter Dan: Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares, Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment eight. So if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]

Chris: That last part sounded a little like you.

The Family Camping Trip [1.19]

Dan: Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?

Chris: Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?

Dan: That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.

Chris: Ah, the horror film festival.

Dan: You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.

Chris: I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.

Dan: You have got to be kidding me.

Chris: Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.

Dan: But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.

Chris: Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.

Dan: When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?

Chris: Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-

Dan: Whoa, whoa. Where?

Chris: Lake Sequester.

Dan: Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?

Chris: Sure.

Dan: Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.

Chris: Okay, you should go now.

Dan: Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!

Chris: I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]

Dan: Are you trying to kill me?

Elise: Don't tempt me.

Don What are you doing here?

Dan: Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.

Elise Sr.: What do you want exactly?

Dan: Chris.

Don: I don't know. Sounds reasonable.

Elise Sr.: Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.

Chris: Dan, this is really unacceptable.

Dan: It's all your fault.

Chris: This is not my fault.

Elise Sr.: It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.

Dan: If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.

Elise: Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.

Dan: Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!

Burgerphile [1.20]

Hortense: Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?

Dan: Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--

Jeremiah: What seems to be the problem here?

Hortense: This gentleman got the wrong order.

Jeremiah: That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.

Dan: What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.

Jeremiah: You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.

Dan: I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!

Jeremiah: Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.

Dan: I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!

Jeremiah: Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Karl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.

[Mac and Karl grab Dan]

Dan: This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!

Hortense: I'm really sorry, sir.

Jeremiah: Don't apologize to him.

Hortense: Sorry, sir.

Dan: I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]

Chris: How'd it go?

[Chris and Elise find Dan tied up with Hortense]

Elise: Wow, Dan. You've really started something.

Dan: Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.

Chris: Oh. We were going to grab dinner.

Elise: Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.

Hortense: I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.

Elise: Wow, Dan. Way to go.

Dan: Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.

The Magician [1.21]

Magnifico the Magnificent: For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.

Chris: [looks at his necklace box] It's gone.

[everybody cheers]

Dan: Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.

Magnifico the Magnificent: I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the fourth dimension of the universe.

Chris: What? Oh, no.

Magnifico the Magnificent: Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!

[everybody cheers]

Dan: Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.

[Chris and Dan are chained up]

Chris: Dan? Dan? Dan!

Dan: Wha-- where am l?

Chris: Magnifico did magic on you.

Dan: He did not!

Chris: He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.

The Lemonade Stand Gang [1.22]

Timmy: Hey, mister. Lemonade?

Chris: No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?

Timmy: I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?

Moose: I don't remember nothin', boss.

Timmy: Watch your double negatives, Moose.

Moose: Sorry, boss.

Chris: Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.

Timmy: What did you call us? Dolores!

[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]

Chris: Look, why can't you just leave me alone?

Elise: May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video pf the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.

Timmy's Mom: Is that my Timmy?

Elise: And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.

Timmy's Mom: Timmy! Stop that at once!

Timmy: Mom? Uh, I can explain.

Timmy's Mom: Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making $1,000 a week.

Timmy: Mom?

Timmy's Mom: Well, no more! All that money is going to charity.

The Family Thanksgiving [2.01]

[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]

Chris: Hello?

Dan: Greetings drone, any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.

Chris: Thursday, What? Oh Dan, please don't tell me you forgot.

Dan: How could I forget?! I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs! So there you go. I have forgotten nothing, Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and three cheers for me.

Chris: Dan-

Dan: At least one cheer.

Chris: DAN!

Dan: STOP YELLING AT ME I AM AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.

Chris: You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?

Dan: WHAT?!

Chris: I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.

Dan: No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!

Chris: Dan, Calm down?!

Dan: CALM DOWN-- When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?

Chris: Don't be absurd.

Dan: What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur, and ken are mellifluously delectable.

Chris: I'll make it next year, but Dan-

Dan: Next year. NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year! You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!

Chris: Insurance?

Dan: BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND! [gets kicked out of the store]

Chris: Dan? Hey Dan?

Dan: This SUCKS! We've been in the car for DAYS!

Elise: Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list

Dan: Well, why don't your stupid parents just move closer?

Elise: They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.

The Mall Santa [2.02]

Chris: This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.

Dan: Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.

Chris: Did she see me?

Dan: I don't think so.

Chris: Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.

Dan: Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!

Chris: He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.

Mall Santa: I hate Christmas.

Chris: I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!

Mall Santa: It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.

Chris: That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.

Mall Santa: This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.

Chris: Oh.

Mall Santa: Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?

Chris: Probably.

The Neighbors [2.03]

Chris: Let me help you with that.

Jason: Whew. Thanks.

Chris: No problem. Moving in?:

Jennifer: That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.

Chris: Chris.

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Dan: [opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!

Chris: Have you met Dan?

Jason: Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm- [Dan closes the door in front of him]

Chris: Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that. [Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside the apartment]

Dan: You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals so I'd taste terrible!

Dancing [2.04]

Dan: Chris! Get over here--Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of 'Pay Cable Prison Drama'! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me!

Elise: [while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.

The Bank [2.05]

Chris: You have got to calm down.

Dan: I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Chris: Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!

Dan: Oh? You have a better idea?

Chris: How about, "Not eating their children.

Dan: You have no vision. That vexes me. But not as much as being out fifty cents. Ooh! We're going to rob the bank.

Chris: That is one of the worst ideas you've ever had. And you've had some doozies.

Dan: Name one! And don't say the jetpack. Because that's going to be awesome. [goes inside the car]

Chris: You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?

Dan: Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and rob the place.

Chris: Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you.

Dan: Don't be so stubborn. Hey, what kind of mask do you want to wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.

Chris: I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--

Dan: Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.

Elise: Dan we need to go.

Dan: I'm not leaving.

Elise: His choice, let's move.

Chris: We can't leave Dan.

Elise: You're right, he knows too much.

Chris: And he's our friend.

Elise: Sure. Sure, that too.

Chris: I'll grab him.

The Monster Under the Bed [2.06]

Dan: [as he and Chris enter his apartment] If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you.

Dan: Stupid monsters. They live under your bed, but they never chip in for the rent.

Golf [2.07]

Dan: Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme.

Chris: I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!

Dan: For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!

Mr. Bainbridge: [comes by] Hey C-man, is this vagrant bothering you?

Chris: Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.

Mr. Bainbridge: Son, that's not why it's called a driving range.

Dan: Chris, I'm going to count to 3. [gets a golf ball crashed on the window's car] 1 Who did that?! I want a name! [gets hit by a golf ball]

Elise: OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"

Dan: I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.

Elise: You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?

Dan: Can and has. [walks away]

The Gym [2.08]

Elise: So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?

Dan: I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!

Chris: They're called stationary bikes.

Elise: It's to get your heart rate up.

Dan: That sounds dangerously irresponsible. I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!

Chris: Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.

Dan: That was said in confidence!

Dan: GYYY-ah! [ends up getting a pain so he whispers instead] Gyyymm!

The Wedding [2.09]

[after Dan got a makeover by Hortence and her friends]

Dan: You laugh, I attack.

Chris: So How was the bridal shower? [punches Chris] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!

Dan: It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!

Chris: It's a good look for you.

Dan: Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.

Chris: And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]

[Dan gets kicked out from the wedding]

Dan: Especially from a bridesmaid. Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.

Hortence: [comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.

Dan: Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--.

Hortence: [angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

Dan: That's not how I feel about you!

The Catburglar [2.10]

[Dan gets ready to meet with a new lady]

Dan: What are you selling?

Miss O'Houlihan: I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]

Dan: I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.

Miss O'Houlihan: Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.

Dan: I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?

Miss O'Houlihan: I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?

Chris: Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?

Dan: Because I forgot to get her number.

The Dinosaur [2.11]

Dan: [finds out that his car was destroyed] A dinosaur JUST RUINED MY CAR! YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD INSURANCE! Wait. Where are you going? We have to exchange information!

Dan: A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female.

Stupidity [2.12]

Governor: Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to three months.

Governor: Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.

Man: Mister Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?

Governor: Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?

Man: I'm just asking if the school system will be able to--

Governor: I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.

Dan: [in the hospital with Elise after Chris got injured] In retrospect, that may have been a mistake.

The Telemarketer [2.13]

Elise: They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.

Dan: 67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?

Chris: I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.

Dan: Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!

Elise: It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.

Dan: Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!

Chris: Good cocoa takes time.

Elise: I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.

Dan: That could take forever!

Elise: Let the record show I was done before Chris.

Chris: Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?

Elise: Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.

Dan: I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.

Elise: You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.

Dan: How do you mean?

Elise: They outsourced to Reseda.

Chris: What? That's just ten miles away. I would have commuted there.

Dan: Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives.

Elise: As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves]

Dan: Are you coming?

Chris: [angrily] YOU DO NOT ASK ME TO MAKE COCOA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THEN LEAVE BEFORE IT'S READY!

Dan: But -

Chris: SIT DOWN!

[Dan talks to the policeman in the police station]

Dan: Run this by me one more time. Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.

Policeman: While you were in jail?

Dan: No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.

Policeman: So he's you?

Dan: No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.

Policeman: And then he attacked you?

Dan: Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!

Policeman: Because?

Dan: He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles!

Reality TV [2.14]

Director: [appears outside] What are you still doing here?

Dan: [throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.

Director: Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.

Dan: Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?

Director: Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.

Dan: Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well.

[Dan is making a recipe]

Kelly: I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?

Dan: If you must know, a bomb.

Kelly: Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?

Dan: Nitroglycerin.

Kelly: I don't think I've ever tried that one.

Dan: And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]

Kelly: Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.

Dan: What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?

Kelly: Yeah, pretty lame, huh?

Parents [2.15]

Dan: [finds a quarter in the fountian] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?

Jean: There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?

Dan: I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?

Flynn: We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.

Jean: I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.

Flynn: Namaste.

Dan: Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!

Jean: Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!

Dan: Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug]

Dan: [to Dennis] Never let take your shiv, kid, that's how you get punked.

Gigundo-Mart [2.16]

Dan: [makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk--

Old Man: [has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.

Dan: Shooting out or shooting in?

[Dan gets kicked out of Gigundo-Mart]

[Dan heads to Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Dan: Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wolf-Man sitting down]

Wolf-Man: At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover or 50 cents.

Dan: What?!!

Wolf-Man: Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.

Dan: GIGUNDO-MAR...Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.

Wolf-Man: Well.

Dan: Well what?! You holding out on me?

Wolf-Man: There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.

Dan: Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]

Chris [2.17]

Chris: [comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the Death Ray.

Dan: [takes the toy away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.

Chris: YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.

Dan: You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the first place!

Chris: I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.

Dan: Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves] Ow! [Chris catches it as it drops] Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!

Chris: Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.

Dan: YOU WOULDN'T!

Chris: You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it. [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves]

[Chris and Elise go into their room and see Dan sawing through the wall]

Dan: Hey folks! Almost done here. I'll be our of your hair in no time.

Elise: What are you doing?!

Dan: Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.

Chris: [angrily] WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? FIRST YOU STINK UP MY HOUSE, AND NOW YOU CUT IT IN HALF?

Elise: [angrily] ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SELFISH TO LET YOUR BEST FRIEND KEEP THE MEASLY LITTLE TOY HE WON.

Dan: [angrily] I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MEASLY LITTLE TOY SAVED THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM BEING ENSLAVED BY SPACE YETIS!

Chris: Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.

Elise: I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.

Dan: As much as I'm enjoying this chit chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall, Elise angrily kicks him out of the house] This isn't over! [gets his bag thrown too]

Wild West Town [2.18]

Lady: Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?

Chris: This place looks fun.

Dan: Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.

Chris: Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]

Chris: Congratulations, Dan. For a second there, I thought you were done for. But then, bam, what a twist!

Anger Management [3.01]

Amber: I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.

Dan: Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.

Amber: Everyone has anger. Right guys?

Girl: I'll say!

Boy: I beat up the Dalai Lama.

Amber: The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.

Dan: Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?

Amber: Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.

Dan: They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]

Chris: [outside] What kind of cheese?

Amber: Chris? Is there anything that makes you disproportionately angry?

Chris: I don't like being hit in the face, that makes me angry.

The Mummy [3.02]

Dan: You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!

Chris: Why me?

Dan: Because you're the Chris.

Mummy: Look, I don't want any trouble.

Dan: Do I have to do everything?

Dan: Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro? [Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it] There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.

Chris: Great. Can we go now?

Dan: Sure. Hold these.

Chris: Why?

Dan: Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.

Chris: What are you doing here?

Mummy: I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.

Dan: Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!

Mummy: Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.

The Boss [3.03]

[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds his boss standing in front of him]

Dan: Ow, Hey!

The Boss: Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]

Dan: Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [his boss steps on his hand] Ow!

The Boss: I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.

Dan: Ow!

The Boss: So I'm going to give you one more chance.

[Dan is having a split screen chat with a man]

Man: Hello.

Dan: Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.

Man: So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.

Dan: Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.

Man: Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!

Dan: Subscription.

Man: Don't you correctify me! [the man hangs up and Dan press a button to call again] Hello?

Dan: [on the phone] Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live, where you sleep. AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER! AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID THROAT!

Chris: Dan!

Dan: [continuing] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES, RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [everyone stares at him and realizes his boss is standing behind him] Uh, personal call.

The Boss: May I see you in your office?

The Mechanic [3.04]

Man: What are you guys doing in my shop?

Elise: When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?

Man: Hey, where's my dog? Don't you play the victim with me!

Dan: We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free.

Man: You did what?!

Dan: But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!

The High School Reunion [3.05]

Dan: I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed. Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.

Elise: Dan! How did you get here?

Dan: If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.

Chris: What?

Dan: That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.

Elise: Only because I love you.

The Common Cold [3.06]

Doctor: Well, You're sick.

Dan: Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.

Doctor: Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.

Chris: Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?

Dan: I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]

Doctor: Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.

Dan: No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.

Doctor: That means no bingo.

Dan: No bingo?!

Doctor: Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]

Chris: Told ya.

Dan: What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.

Doctor: With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.

Dan: Oh, I get it. You're lazy.

The DMV [3.07]

Police Officer: How about we start with your license? Bad hair day, huh?

Dan: I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?

Police Officer: This license is expired.

Dan: But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.

Police Officer: I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.

Dan: This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!

Police Officer: Stay in your car, sir!

Dan: I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a five year-old?

Police Officer: Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.

Dan: But I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Police Officer: Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.

Dan: I need to renew my license.

Hence: Wow. That's a bad hair day.

Dan: I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.

Hence: I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.

Dan: Hence, the need to renew it.

Hence: I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.

Chris: Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]

Dan: Why do you have my mug shot?

Chris: This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.

Hence: [hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!

The Ski Trip [3.08]

Elise: Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.

Dan: If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.

Chris: Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]

Dan: No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?

Elise: Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.

Dan: A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.

Jury Duty [3.09]

Man: Which one of you is Dan?

Dan: Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]

Man: L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.

Dan: Jury duty?

Man: We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.

Dan: I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.

Man: We'll see you in court. [walks away]

Dan: But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.

Man: You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.

Elise: Dan has to perform his civic duty!

Chris: Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.

Man: Elise? You're Elise?

Elise: Oh, come on!

Dan and Elise: [both yelling together] JURY DUTY!

Vegetables [3.10]

[Dan realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries]

Dan: What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!

Chris: Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.

Dan: Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.

Chris: Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]

Dan: [angrily growls] Timber!

Dan: This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.

Chris: I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?

Dan: There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.

Chris: What's Elise doing here?

[both trucks stop in the middle of road]

Elise: Dan! [comes out from the car] You are a dead man!

Dan: [comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal- weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!

Elise: Where's my ID?

Dan: It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.

Elise: I'm taking the defoliant back, too.

Dan: But the last broccoli farm!

Elise: Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!

Dan: In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.

Elise: [gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!

Chris: First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.

Elise: We will talk about it at home.

Chris: Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?

Elise: Why do you ask?

Chris: A rookie mistake.

Elise: Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.

Chris: He has the keys to the truck, too.

The Superhero [3.11]

[after Dan's car got crashed]

Dan: BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!

Terrifi-Guy: Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]

Dan: I don't have insurance! Get back here!

The Family Cruise [3.12]

Chris: [sees Dan pop out from the luggage] Dan?!

Elise: Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record.

Chris: You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family.

Dan: You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before [see the cruise sailing away from the city] we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow.

Chris: Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here.

Dan: [as he is taped in the chair] I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON YOUR STUPID CRUISE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Summer Camp [3.13]

Chris: [when Elise shows him an old camp photo] Camp Atrocious... Oh it was even worse than its name.

[last lines of the series]

Little Dan: You know what? I was wrong about summer camp. I had a blast.

Little Chris: Yeah, but now I'll never win a camp award.

Little Dan: I wouldn't be too sure, buddy. Here. I made this for you. [gives a box to Chris]

Little Chris: Thanks, Dan.

[as little Chris and Dan walk away, ending the story as Elise picks up BEST SIDEKICK AWARD with Chris eating an apple while Dan relaxes, ending the series]