Squabbits

Malloy: Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.

Woody: [shouting] Get out of my sight!! You're dead to me, bear cub! GET OUT!!!

Steve's Bald

Steve: "Fear not humanoids. Bigfoot is your friend, unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster."

Daddy Issues

Woody: Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]

The Dam Show

Woody: I've got exciting news.

Denzel: Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!

Woody: No, today's my birthday!

Woody's Girl

Woody: [about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

Malloy: Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Trailer Park

Malloy: Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]

Bobby: The fuck's a Wi-Fi?

BoDean: "ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]

Bobby: I don't even know who you are anymore.

Bobby: I'm gonna ask you all as nice as I possibly can: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TRAILER PARK!!!! Please!

Random Redneck: Well he did say please. Let's go. [all the rednecks start to leave]

Steve: Drive carefully!

Same Redneck: What the hell's that supposed to mean? [riot starts]

Crippleberry

Denzel: Oh hey, Jerry! What's up?

Connie: You two know each other?

Denzel: Yeah, we went to middle school together. Hey, Jerry, remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant?

Jerry: I'm still paying for that cold.

Woody: [referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!

Ethel: Woody!

Woody: Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.

Ethel: But he's dead.

Woody: Exactly.

My Highway or the Highway

Malloy: [about Connie] All that running and crying, you think she'd be thinner.

Bobby: [referring to Jorge] Who the hell invited this guy? We are definitely anti... anti... uh... [to Jorge] What the hell are you anyway?

The Animals Strike Back

Woody: "Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room?"

Woody as Jar Jar: "Meesa like! Meesa like you!"

Woody: [pours lotion onto his Jar Jar puppet-wearing right hand] "Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy!" [starts jerking his dick off] "Stop, stop, don't stop, aaaahhh...ah, that feels good"

Woody: [sees a husband and wife leaving in their car] Where're you going? You just got here!

Male Tourist: Hey! No one wants to go to a park without animals.

Male Tourist's Wife: Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang-banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.

Male Tourist: Yeah! [pause] What she say? [Woody throws a rock at their car window]

Trip to Mars

Dr. Kurt Thoreau: [to Ethel] Do men with exceptional beards make your fish flaps foamy?

Malloy: There is some really obscure racism in this town.

My Favorite Bear

Flamey the Bear: Only you can prevent fires in forests.

Jorge: Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!

Super Rape: You stuck me with the bar tab. Jorge: You burnt down my club! Dr. Kuzniak: Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible. Man: And you mauled my kids! Steve: In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house. Man: Ah, okay. [leaves happy]

Aparkalyspe

Malloy: [to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.

Denzel: You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.

Old Wounds

Woody: [shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?

Secretary: [not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....

Woody: [interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!

Secretary: There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!

Woody: Huh? [glares at Malloy]

Malloy: Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

High Stakes

Woody: [sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]

Bobby: [excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!

BoDean: [satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]

Steve: [walks through one jump rope leap], Whew! Okay, I did the rope. I did half a sit up. Why can't I lose weight?!! [shakes his pot belly] All I've been eating are these rice cakes. [picks one up]

Denzel: [agitated] Those are Rice Krispie Treats dumbass!