Bob's Burgers is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.
A River Runs Through Bob [4.01]
- Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?
- Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?
- Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.
- Linda: Wine helps me drink.
Fort Night [4.02]
- Linda: Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?
- Mort: Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.
- Teddy: Watching Mort adjust himself.
Seaplane! [4.03]
- Bob: Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?
- Teddy: Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.
- Gene: What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?
- Teddy: No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.
- Gene: Hmmm.
- Louise: I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.
- Louise: [to Mr. Fischoeder] You should teach at my school.
- Mr. Fischoeder: And you should work in my coal mine.
- Gene: "Upskirt Kurt." What a nickname! I mean, it rhymes, for one.
- Louise: Was mom even wearing a skirt? I can't remember.
- Mr. Fischoeder: Shake a leg, Bob. Upskirt Kurt moves faster than this. He's not called "Kurt The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"
- Upskirt Kurt: Why'd you headbutt me?!
- Linda: I was going to punch you, but I'm holding wine.
My Big Fat Greek Bob [4.04]
- Bob: So I'm guessing you guys are not the top frat on campus.
- Pud: Nope. Our motto is, "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."
- Turd: Worked on me.
- Hefty Jeff: We haze with hugs. Lot of good huggers in this group.
- Pud: Girls never come here.
- Tina: It's a man cave. And Tina's going spelunking.
Turkey In A Can [4.05]
- [Bob tries to confront who put the Thanksgiving turkey in the toilet]
- Bob: So, really— no one wants to confess? Louise?
- Louise: It wasn't me!
- Linda: Louise...
- Louise: It wasn't!
- Bob: So no one—including Louise—wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!
- Linda: Bobby!
- Gayle: No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.
- Linda: Bob, come on. It was Louise. Or maybe Gene.
- Gene: [gasps] How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Louise.
- Louise: Unbelievable. So everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?
- Gene: Yep. Perfect system.
- Bob: I just want everyone to know that I've calmed down from this morning, and in the spirit of the holiday, whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon!
- (No one responds)
- Bob: Ugh, I really thought that would work! Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet!?
Purple Rain-union [4.06]
- [Gayle explains why she doesn't want to re-join Linda's band]
- Gayle: You never let me sing any of my songs.
- Linda: That's because your songs were all so... [whispers] ...sexual.
- Tina: Pardon?
- Linda: Plus, you had that speech impediment.
- Gayle: I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."
Bob And Deliver [4.07]
- Teddy: I gotta go to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I'm dreading it.
- Linda: Oh. Is this the cousin you got to second base with?
- Teddy: No, that was my second cousin and it was third base.
- Bob: Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?
- Mr. Platt: If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mauerman, and then they get me because I have his number now, and I shut it down!
- Mr. Frond: It's over, Bob. Caf-Co won. You're done.
- Bob: Meat is done. Not people!
- Zeke: Woah, I just got a little chill when he said that.
- Zeke: This will always be remembered—until people forget.
Christmas In The Car [4.08]
- Linda: It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Bobby?
- Bob: I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.
- Linda: N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?
- Louise: Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?
- Gene: We want a divorce!
- [The Belchers park their car in the woods to avoid a menacing truck.]
- Bob: Okay, everyone just be quiet.
- Gene: Can I say just one thing?
- Bob: Gene...
- Gene: I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.
- Tina: Mom...
- Linda: Yes, Tina?
- Tina: I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.
- Linda: That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.
- Tina: Thanks. That's what I was going for.
- Louise: Mom?
- Bob: Oh my God...
- Louise: Where do babies come from?
- Linda: You all came from my vagina.
- Gene: Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!
Slumber Party [4.09]
- Linda: I can't believe Louise doesn't want to have a slumber party.
- Bob: Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.
- Linda: If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.
- Bob: That sounds like nonsense.
- Linda: Nonsense, or Mom-sense?
Presto, Tina-o [4.10]
- Tina: "Danger" is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.
Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial [4.11]
- Gene: I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BM's until halftime, when I will make a "Super Bowel!"
- Linda: Gene, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You gotta set them free, then they go in the sewers and the find their families. And they're happy!
- Gene: I'm their family! I raised them!
- [Bob tries to fund his commercial by withdrawing from his savings account.]
- Banker: [typing on his computer] This is an impressive savings account here.
- Bob: Yeah?
- Banker: And then, here's yours.
- Bob: Okay...
- Banker: [switching between the two screens] Good planning, careful saving... [Bob's account] ...no apparent plan, small random deposits.
- Bob: Okay, you've made your point.
- Banker: Good! I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to help you.
- Bob: Actually, it's kind of hurtful.
- Banker: Aww!
- Bob: Look, I know I'm basically emptying my account, but it's for a good reason. I'll be in here soon depositing twice as much.
- Banker: Oh, that'll be fun! I'll have our vault enlarged.
- Sandy "Can-Can" Frye: Did someone here order an NFL legend? Because next door, they did not. And they yelled at me to leave. Hi, I'm Sandy!
The Frond Files [4.12]
- Linda: Where are our kids' projects? We can't find them.
- Mr. Frond: Oh...they're um...they're over there.
- Bob: You didn't point at anything. When you say "over there," you kind of have to point at something.
- ("Finger Quotes" throughout)
- Mr. Frond: The Superintendent is here and I'm already on thin ice with her because my "credentials" aren't "valid" in "this state."
- Darryl: Louise, relax! It's me, Darryl. Come with me if you want to continue to be alive.
- ("Farts Will Set You Free")
- It's that gas from your ass
- That toot from your boot
- That hum in your bum
- That loot from your chute
- All that air from your ol' derriere
- Come on and set it free
- 'Cause farts are liberty!
- What do we wanna do? (Fart, fart!)
- Open up your butt cheeks
- This is how our butts speak
- Let's
- Go
- Faaaaaart!
Mazel Tina [4.13]
- Louise: You know a lot about bat mitzvahs for someone who thought Chanukkah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.
- Tina: Rumor has it this party will be packed with Beef-ohs.
- Bob: What are "Beef-ohs"?
- Tina: B-F-O-S; "Boys From Other Schools".
- Linda: What's wrong with the boys from your school?
- Tina: I need fresh faces. And fresh butts.
- Gene: You'll take the butts you're given and you'll like it!
Uncle Teddy [4.14]
- (Bob and Linda need a babysitter.)
- Bob: Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.
- Teddy: I'm someone.
- Linda: We could call your cousin Vanessa.
- Bob: She's in a cult.
- Linda: What, people in a cult can't babysit?
- Teddy: I'm not in a cult.
- Bob: Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.
- Linda: Ugh! She smells awful!
- Teddy: I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!
- Bob: Teddy, have you ever babysat before?
- Teddy: Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.
- Bob: Uh, I don't know if...
- Linda: (Grabbing Bob's hand and walking him away) Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!
The Kids Rob A Train [4.15]
- (On the Wine Train, Bob and Linda notice a wine taster making obnoxious noises as he drinks)
- Linda: Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!
- Bob: Why, because he's slurping?
- (After Linda invites him over...)
- Bob: Linda, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.
- Linda: Why? I do, Bobby. He's an expert!
- Bob: Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to you that much, to be honest.
I Get A Psy-chic Out Of You [4.16]
- Teddy: Super-freaky, huh?
- Bob: What?
- Teddy: Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!
- Gene: Try a third one, Mom!
- Linda: Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.
- Bob: Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.
- Gene: Hehe, good one, Papa.
- Bob: Thank you, son.
- Gene: You're welcome.
- (Marshmallow walks into the restaurant.)
- Marshmallow: Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.
- Bob: Oh, hey, Marshmallow.
- Linda: *(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!
- Gene: That settles it: Mom's psychic!
- Bob: No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.
- Marshmallow: Blush!
The Equestranauts [4.17]
- (Teddy notices the "Equestra-Con" Flyer on the counter.)
- Teddy: Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?
- Bob: Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.
- Teddy: Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."
- Bob: "Equesticles?"
- Teddy: Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.
- (At the convention...)
- Gene: Does anyone else think these girls all look like men?
- Louise: I think they are men. This is a kind of man. We've discovered a new kind of man!
- Gene: Do you think they're dangerous?
- (An "Equesticle" in full costume hums a happy tune while brushing his dolls hair.)
- Louise: N......no.
- Louise: Tina, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse?
- Tina: What? No! I mean, kind of. Why would you say that?
- Louise: (pointing at Bronconius) He just said it!
- Linda: Wha, who, wha, what's goin' on, wha?
- Louise: Tina got swindled!
- Linda: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!
- Gene: AAAHHHH! I told you we should have never left the food court!
Ambergris [4.18]
- (The kids discover the lump of ambergris and its distinctive odor.)
- Tina, Gene, Louise: (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great! (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great!
- Louise: I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great!
- Gene: Is that what sex will be like?
- Bob: Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?
- Mr. Fischoeder: Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?
- Bob: You gave it to me when we first met.
- Mr. Fischoeder: Not to use!
- Linda: Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.
- (As Bob and Linda watch TV, Louise runs into their bedroom to retrieve the ambergris.)
- Linda: Hey, why are you going into our room?
- Bob: Probably putting something gross in our bed.
- Louise: I'm taking something gross out of your bed.
- Bob: Oh, okay.
- Linda: Thanks, sweetie!
The Kids Run Away [4.19]
- Dr. Yap: Bob! Louise ran away!
- Bob: What!?
- Dr. Yap: She told me to wait ten mintues before I told you. But I'm a grown man, and she's a little girl. So I waited eight.
- Bob: You waited eight minutes to tell me my daughter ran away?
- Dr. Yap: Don't tell her I didn't wait the full ten!
- (Bob and Linda plan their strategy against Louise)
- Bob: You know, I've never read any parenting books, but I'm pretty sure this isn't in them.
- Linda: Parenting books? There are parenting books?
- Bob: Yeah.
- Linda: I thought that was a joke.
- Bob: Nope.
- Linda: I should write a parenting book. Call it, "Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!"
- Bob: You should do that.
- Linda: I know, right? Make a fortune!
Gene It On [4.20]
Wharf Horse (or How Bob Saves/Destroys the Town – Part I) [4.21]
World Wharf II: The Wharfening (or How Bob Saves/Destroys the Town – Part II) [4.22]
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