Bob's Burgers is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.
Ear-sy Rider [3.01]
- Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.
- Dr. Bush: What's your name?
- Mudflap: Mudflap.
- Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
- Mudflap: Really?
- Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.
- Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without and epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
- Linda: Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake. ----
- Teddy: Someone threw a snow cone at my windshield. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying.
Full Bars [3.02]
- Gene: Where are we?
- Louise: I think it's a country club.
- Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
- Gene: The windmills are going tfo be enormous!
- Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
- Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
- Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
- Gene: Yes more egg talk!
- Ticket seller: Ahh!
- Gene: Eggs!
- Louise: Tina, come on.
- Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
- [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
- Gene: Do they, though?
- Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
- Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
- Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
- Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
- Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
- Tina: That's fair.
- [Louise slaps Gene across the face]
Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]
- Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.
- [Refrigerator groans]
- Bob: Tina?
- Stoner Guy: Hey, Blueberry Girl. You got any extra blueberries?
- Tina: (Pushing him away) No! And don't come here again. My parents don't know I deliver blueberries. Do you get it?
- Stoner Guy: Okay...
- Tina: (Suddenly more forceful) No, do you get it!? Don't. Come here. Again.
- Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said, "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I was like, "Noooo."
- Gene: We're working girls now!
- Mickey: You're a girl?
- Gene: Yes!
- Bob: No he's not.
- Gene: Yes I am!
- Bob: You're not a girl!
- Gene: Tell that to my vagina!
Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]
- Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
- Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
- Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
- Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
- Duval: [angrily] It's French!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?
- Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.
An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]
- [Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
- Linda: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
- Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
- Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.
- Gene: If you wanna wreck your home, buy a bunch of mice like a normal person.
- Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
- Tina: She's a magnate magnet.
- Louise: Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!
- [As Mr. Fischoeder passes her a ticket, Gene comes over to pour water in his cup.]
- Gene: Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!
- Mr. Fischoeder: [passes ticket] Take it down a notch.
- Tina: Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?
- Mr. Fischoeder: That's pathetic.
- Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
- Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
- Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!
The Deepening [3.06]
- Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!
- Bob: You remember "The Deepening", right?
- Teddy: Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!
- [Everyone stares at him.]
- Teddy: What?
- Bob: It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".
- Linda: Bob!
- Linda: That shark made me so scared of the water that I spent the whole summer standing up to pee. Then I got into the habit. I like it.
Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]
- [Tina has crashed into a parked car]
- Tina: Oh my God, I ruined the car!
- Bob: You did. You really did. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
- Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
- Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
- Tina: No, it's a dent!
- Bob: Okay, fine. We'll leave a note. Then, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
- Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
- Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
- Tina: I don't know!
- Bob: It was me. I did.
- Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
- Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
- [She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
- Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
- Tina: I believe you would!
- Tina: Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?
- Bob: Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.
- Tina: Oh, okay.
- Bob: Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.
- Tina: What's his name?
- Bob: Um, Sebastian.
- Tina: He plays lacrosse and he loves me.
- Bob: Mm-hmm.
- Tina: But he loves lacrosse more.
- Bob: Uh, yeah.
- Tina: How long is his hair?
- Bob: I-I-I don't know, but it's greasy.
- Tina: Yes.
The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]
- Louise: Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
- [Courtney's friends gasp]
- Courtney: It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
- Gene: I had shingles once.
- Tina: I have a cut on my leg.
- Rupa: Those things aren't congenital.
- [The school bell rings]
- Gene: Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!
- Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!
- Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.
- Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!
God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09]
Louise: Speaking of Christmas, here is my annual list of demands
Bob: "My own apartment."
Louise: And it can not be a studio. You have exactly 7 shopping days to comply. If it rolls into day 8, there will be tears and violence.
Linda: Hey a bunch of presents don't matter. Christmas is isn't all about getting stuff.
Louise: Yes it is! Take it back, take it back!
Bob: From the law firm of Banff, Bostwick & Biel.
Louise: Aah! Santa's suing us!
Bob: Huh, I haven't talked to Uncle Ernie in years
Gene: "Talking to Uncle Ernie" would be a great code for going a poop
Bob: Gene, he just died
Gene: It's a fitting tribute!
Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10]
- (Linda tries to join the kids' game with Bob)
- Louise: Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.
- Bob: Uh-oh.
- Linda: Well Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?
- Louise: Yeah, but that's a good thing!
- Linda: Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.
- Louise: That's 'cause you suck at it!
- (Linda gasps)
- Gene: Uh-oh
- Tina: Ouch
- Bob: Oh, God.
- Linda: Don't you talk to me like that, Miss Smart-mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!
- Louise: (storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!
- Linda: You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna teach you to shave *your* legs?
- Louise: No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly!
- Louise leaves, then comes back.
- Louise: I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds!
- Louise leaves, then comes back again.
- Louise: And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, so I don't need that from you either!
- Linda: I'm going back to family game night by myself!!
Nude Beach [3.11]
- Daryl: Look through the tube, see some boob! Show some green, see some peen!
Broadcast Wagstaff School News [3.12]
- Tammy: Our top story: Lenny DeStefano. Is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? Jocelyn, who is Lenny asking to the Winter Prom?
- Jocelyn: No one knows, but he has been texting the entire drill team. And me.
- Tammy: And me also.
- Jocelyn: [Offscreen] Aw.
- Gene: I've been tarred and Bobbed!
- Tina: Why'd you do it, Zeke?
- Zeke: Well, the first time was an accident. But the second time was for fun. Then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, I was doing it for you, Tina.
My Fuzzy Valentine [3.13]
- Tina: My heart was murdered by the word "from." No one says "I from you!"
- The Belchers' seat-belt song...
- Bob and the Kids: Buckle it up, Buckle it up, Buckle it up or you'll die!
- Linda: (singing) Two people, together forever
- Security in life
- And someone to love ya!
- Instead of being all alone
- Such a lonely existence
- I'd kill myself!
- Teddy: Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.
Lindapendent Woman [3.14]
- Bob: We'll have to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?
- Louise: Probably Gene and Tina.
- Bob: That's a good start.
- Gene: Huh. Well that makes the things I was gonna cut irrelevant.
- Louise: I made it rain shrimp! What did you ever do?
O.T.: The Outside Toilet [3.15]
- Mr. Frond assigns flour-sack babies to the boys in the class.
- Mr. Frond: Let's have all the fathers come up and assume responsibility for their reckless behavior!
- Bob fights a parking ticket...
- Bob: Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...
- Gene: I'm gonna go bet my sisters that there isn't a talking toilet in the woods. That's what we call easy money!
- Toilet: Loading artist Eddie Money.
- (Eddie Money's "Baby Hold On" begins to play)
- Gene: No, no, no! Cancel! Undo!
Topsy [3.16]
- (The Belcher kids discover Thomas Edison's "Electrocuting an Elephant" film online.)
- Gene: Ooh, an elephant! I'll bet she sneezes and it's adorable!
- (In the video, Topsy is electrocuted and falls over dead.)
- Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhhh!
- Gene: What was that!? Play it again, play it again!
- (Louise replays the video.)
- Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhh!
- Louise: It was electrocuted! To death! On purpose! In public! By Thomas Edison!
- Gene: What is he, a super villain?
- Louise: Oh, hello, Mr. Dinkler. What a day for science, eh?
- Teddy: Louise give me the word when you want me to hit the switch.
- Mr. Dinkler: I know what you're up to you hooligan. Jeremy saw everything last night.
- Louise: Oh you son of a snitch! What's your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?
- Jeremy: War Horse.
- Mr. Dinkler: You're trying to sully Edison's good name, and nobody messes with my man, Tom. That's it you're banned.
Two for Tina [3.17]
- Linda: Awww, Bobby! That's what I love about you. All your sad stories.
- Louise: Remember, Tina - a nerd in the hand is worth...not really that much. Never mind.
- (Tina can't decide who she wants to go to the dance with. She imagines Josh and Jimmy Jr. dancing to persuade her)
- Josh: Choose me, Tina! I asked you first!
- Jimmy Jr.: But you asked me first!
- Josh: We've got chemistry!
- Jimmy Jr.: I've got a butt. Look at it!
- Josh: I asked you and only you.
- Jimmy Jr.: As far as you know.
- Tina: What?
- Jimmy Jr.: He said, "As far as you know!"
- Josh: I didn't say it. You said it!
- Jimmy Jr.: Don't worry about who said it. Just watch the butt!
It Snakes a Village [3.18]
- Gene: I'm not afraid of ghosts
- I'm not afraid of sharks
- I'm not afraid of cancer
- I am just afraid of snakes!
- They really creep me out
- Where are their arms and legs?
- It's not okay!
Family Fracas [3.19]
- (The Belchers are in the car, which Bob can't get started.)
- Louise: Can we roll down the windows? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath.
- Tina: I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I?
- (She breathes in Louise's face.)
- Louise: Yeah. Yeah, you did.
- Louise: Can we just go already? Gene took off his shoes!
- Gene: And my socks!
- Louise: Eww! Why don't you wash your children!?
- Tina: Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it.
The Kids Run The Restaurant [3.20]
- Bob: This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week.
- Gene: Yay! Feet Week!
- Bob: No, Fleet Week. Why would there be a "Feet Week?"
- Gene: I don't know. There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?
Boyz 4 Now [3.21]
- [Boyz 4 Now sing in their music video:]
- Allen: I'm mining the cave for love.
- Boo Boo: Don't care about the world above.
- Griffin: Down here it's dark and cold.
- Matt: I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.
- Griffin: My hat is hard but my heart is soft.
- Matt: It's dusty down here and so I cough.
- Allen: Cough cough.
- All: It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.
- Griffin: I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.
- Allen: Will you be mine?
- All: Coal mine
- Allen: Will you be mine?
- All: Diamond—
- [Louise turns the TV off]
- Tina: Hey, I was watching that!
- Louise: Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.
- Bob: Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
- Linda: Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.
- Bob: What's the theme?
- Linda: "Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!
- Bob: Uh, let's keep making piles.
- [Louise has a crush on Boo Boo.]
- Tina: Relax, Louise. I'm going to get you through this. Just tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
- Louise: Nothing. Everything, I don't know!
- Tina: His hair?
- Louise: You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? Not really.
- Tina: And his face?
- Louise: It's so gross I want to slap it. I wanna slap it. I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!
- Tina: You mean "kiss?"
- Louise: No, I mean "slap."
- Tina: Woah. You got it bad, girl.
- Louise: Cute! He's the reason faces were invented you idiot!
- Tina: I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.
Carpe Museum [3.22]
- Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.
- Gene: Thank you!
- Bob: And Tina.
- Tina: [fist-bumps him] Pow.
- Louise: Hey, Mr. Frond! Why did the chicken cross the road?
- Mr. Frond: I don't know, Louise. Why?
- Louise: So he would be in a different school district where there was a different guidance counselor!
- [Regular-Sized Rudy clashes his cymbals]
- Bob: Louise—
- Louise: What?
- Bob: Don't say that... here.
- Louise: It's fine, I'm out of material.
- Regular-Sized Rudy: (having an asthma attack) Fun hurts my lungs...
- Regular-Sized Rudy: (To his inhaler) Oh, I hate you. But I love air. So I guess we're stuck together.
The Unnatural [3.23]
- Tina: I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.
- Bob: You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!
- Linda: He has a website!
- Louise: Yeah, they don't just give those out.
- Bob: We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.
- Linda: Or with a really good baseball player!
- Louise: I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.
- Gene: He gave us his magic, and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket.