On Leather Wings

Dr. March: You donate a few million, and you think you own the place. I understand I'm to analyze something for you?

Bruce Wayne: Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney, and I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

Dr. March: And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: [enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] You!

Batman: I'm looking for Dr. March.

Langstrom He's not here, Batman.

Batman: Where is he?

Langstrom: Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution, he's really quite brilliant.

Batman: He's misguided, and a thief. [Holds up a vial of the serum]

Langstrom: He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process - [voice lowering] it's in ME, Batman! [Laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]

The Cat And The Claw Part 1

Stern: Now if you'll excuse me, I've given you all the time I can spare.

Selina Kyle: You'll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I'm through, I'll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They'll be looking at you and your project so closely, you'll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

Batman: You're late.

Mob Boss: Can't you walk up to someone normal-like?

Batman: I hear you have some information.

Mob Boss: Under one condition: Lay off the South Side.

Batman: Keep this up, and I'll be on you from all sides. North, south, east, and west.

The Cat And The Claw Part 2

Batman: Red Claw? A woman?

Red Claw: Do you have a problem with that, Batman?

Batman: Not at all. I'm an equal opportunity crime fighter!

Batman: I didn't want you taken away like a common criminal.

Catwoman: So you do care.

Batman: [handcuffing her] More than you'll ever know.

Heart Of Ice

Mr. Freeze: The snow is beautiful, don't you think? Clean, uncompromising...

Batman: And cold.

Mr. Freeze: Yes. Just like the swift hand of vengeance.

Batman: I saw what happened to your wife. I'm sorry.

Mr. Freeze: I am beyond emotions. They've been frozen dead in me.

Batman: That suit you wear - a result of the coolant?

Mr. Freeze: Very good; a detective to the last. I can no longer survive outside a sub-zero environment. Tonight, I mean to pay back the man who ruined my life... our lives.

Batman: Even if you have to kill everyone in the building to do it?

Mr. Freeze: Think of it, Batman: to never again walk on a summer's day, with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh, yes. I'd kill for that.

[Mr Freeze raids a gala event where Ferris Boyle is receiving a humanitarian award... and promptly freezes him from the waist down]

Ferris Boyle: Stop.. please... I... beg you!

Mr. Freeze: You... beg? In my nightmares I see my Nora behind the glass, begging to me with frozen eyes. How I've longed to see that look frozen on you.

Feat Of Clay Part 1

[About Matt Hagen's repeated use of "Renuyu" to restore his disfigured face]

Teddy Lupus: You can't go on like this, Matt. You hurt all the time now.

Matt Hagen: [irritated] You're just my stand-in, Lupus. Nobody promoted you to nursemaid!

Lupus: That stuff makes your face like putty, Matt; it can't be good for ya.

Hagen: It probably ain't good for me. But unless I only want to do horror pictures, it ain't bad for me either.

Batman: Listen up, scumwad, 'cause I'm only gonna ask you once. Who was Lucius Fox meeting at the tram?

Raymond Bell: Wayne... Bruce Wayne!

Batman: You lying sleaze! You wanna rethink that answer?

Feat Of Clay Part 2

Matt Hagen: [testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy Lupus: It's.... It's some kind of miracle! [sees Matt change back into Clayface] Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface: No. No! You broke my concentration! It won't work, don't you see?! It's too hard! It's like tensing a muscle - I can't keep it up for long!! MY CAREER, MY LIFE - IT IS GONE!!! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK!!! [In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer] I'm not an actor anymore! I'm not even... a man! [Sobs softly]

[Roland Daggett is at a talk show talking about Renuyu facial cream and the host entertains audience questions]

Woman: I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to its harmful side effects.

Roland Daggett: Well that's, uh, absolutely untrue-

Woman: [stands up and approaches him] What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible...pain!

Daggett: No! I mean... That's just not so!

Woman: Why don't you show them what an overdose can do, Daggett?! Why don't you tell them [voices goes deeper] about ME?! [transforms into Clayface]

Batman: I wouldn't be surprised if the body they took to the morgue was only a shell.

[In the morgue, Clayface's decoy body cracks and crumbles apart]

Batman: Don't forget: first and foremost, Hagen was an actor. He said it himself, Alfred. He called it a scene - maybe the greatest scene of his career.

Teddy: [standing sadly outside the hospital] See you round, Matt...

Batman: A death scene so real, it fooled us all.

[A woman watches Teddy leave, then begins to laugh, her voice and eyes gradually changing to Clayface's]

It's Never Too Late

Father Michael Stromwell: Arnold? That's one soul I wish I could give up on.

Arnold Stromwell: I don't need your help!

Michael Stromwell: Is that a fact? An empire crumbling? A marriage shattered? A son lost? Sure, you're doing fine.

Joker's Favor

Joker: [tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charlie: Listen.... I... O'm sorry, really! I.... I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

Joker: Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie: Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker: Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie: Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker: Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie: Okay. What?

Joker: I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]

[Two years after the encounter with the Joker, Charlie is playing ball with his son when the phone rings; Charlie goes indoors to answer]

Charlie: Hello?

Joker: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Wrong number, pal. My name's Don.

Joker: Oh, no, no, no, this is the right number, Charles Michael Collins. [reviews notes] Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace, and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. [Turns to Harley Quinn, who is trimming his hair] Leave the sideburns!

Charlie: [intimidated at details] How did you find me?

Joker: Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my hobby! [Laughs hysterically]

Joker: You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie: You're not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van.

[He pulls one of the Joker's bombs from his jacket, and the Joker looks shocked and afraid]

Charlie: This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes, no grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley, alongside a "miserable little nobody"! [chuckles] Kinda funny. Ironic, really. See? I can destroy a man's dreams too! And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?!

Joker: [still scared] Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with... [yelling out desperately] BATMAN!!! Stop! You... you're crazy!

Charlie: I had a good teacher! [chuckles] Say goodnight, Gracie!

Joker: [terrified, trying to crawl away] NO! BATMAN! BATMAN!!! [sees Batman in the shadows, and gasps with relief and annoyance] How long have you been there?!

Batman: Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.

Charlie: You know he'll just escape again! This is the only way my family stays safe!

Joker: All right, you win! Take it easy! [surrenders his notebook to Batman] Here's everything on his blasted family - names, addresses, it's all there! You're no fun anymore, Charlie.

Charlie: Hey, Joker! [throws the bomb at the Joker, who cowers behind Batman - only for the "bomb" to release harmless confetti] Gotcha!

[Batman lets out a short laugh]

Joker: [dryly] Oh, very funny. A million laughs.

Pretty Poison

Dent: So, what do you think?

Bruce: Does she have a sister?

Dent: Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.

Bruce: [spits out his water upon hearing this] WHAT?!!

Dent: Yup, that's the page one headline. Hey... is it starting to get warm?

Bruce: You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!

Dent: And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's hot in here...

Bruce: Marriage is a major step, Harv. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent: No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, her love hit me right in the face. [falls right into the food he ordered]

Bruce: [laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. [sees him unresponsive] Harv? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance and climbs inside] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

Poison Ivy: [chuckles] Batman! A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?

Batman: Harvey Dent!

Poison Ivy: Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. Oh, it's so sad... [feigns crying, which quickly turns to insane laughter]

Batman: Why, Isley?

Poison Ivy: Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman: What crime?

Poison Ivy: Why, murder, of course! Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers! The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down after her tantrum] So his fate was sealed [applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours. [Ivy's plant holds Batman still as she kisses him; he tries to spit away the poison] Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I have cooties? [laughs] Oh, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Too bad. I was going to share the antidote with you. [opens a bottle and waves it under his nose] Lovely fragrance, don't you think? [applies a drop to her face] I call it "Rose From the Dead".

Nothing To Fear

[Bruce is introduced to Dr. Long and he offers a handshake]

Dr. Long: [looks at hand and pouts off] Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.

Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.

Dr. Long: Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.

[Batman has been exposed to Scarecrow's fear toxin]

Thomas Wayne: Bruce...

Batman: No... not now...

Thomas Wayne: You are a disgrace! [turns into the Grim Reaper]

Batman: No... You are not my father. I am not a disgrace! I am vengeance. I am the night! I am... BATMAN!

Be A Clown

Summer Gleason: [on TV, reporting about the Mayor's missing son] The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son Jordan was missing.

Jekko: Missing?

Jordan: It's me, Jekko. I ran away.

Jekko: You did WHAT?!?

Jordan: I want to be a magician, like you.

Jekko: Why, you... [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I've been thinking about a protege.

[Batman is trapped inside a tank filled with water, having removed a straitjacket and leg restraints]

Jordan: He can't get out! What's the trick?

Jekko: That's just it! THERE IS NO TRICK!

Jordan: No! He'll drown! [Jordan grabs an axe and strikes the side of the tank to try and free Batman, Joker takes the axe away]

Jekko/Joker: That's why they call it a finale! [discards his Jekko the Clown mask] Now sit down and enjoy the show!

Appointment In Crime Alley

Bruce Wayne: Roland Daggett's up to something, Alfred.

Alfred: That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: This used to be a beautiful street. Good people lived here once.

Batman: [placing two roses on the ground] Good people still live in Crime Alley.

P.O.V.

Batman: Are you alright?

[Machine gun bullets hit around Batman and Officer Montoya, causing both of them to duck]

Officer Montoya: Dandy.

Batman: Then don't go away.

Officer Montoya: [Batman leaves as more machine gun bullets hit. Montoya stays down] Count on it.

Hackle: What collar? She's suspended!

Commissioner Gordon: This farce has gone far enough, Hackle! We apprehended the suspects and recovered our money. The investigation is closed![shoves Hackle aside and hands Officer Montoya back her badge] Officer Montoya earned this collar.

Officer Montoya: [declines badge] The collar belongs to all three of us, Commissioner. [Gordon returns all three confiscated badges; Montoya accepts hers and hands Wilkes back his badge]

Patrolman Wilkes: Thank you so much, partner!

Officer Montoya: [overhears Det. Bullock muttering] What was that, Bullock?

Detective Bullock: [gets badge] Thanks a lot, Montoya.

The Clock King

Batman: What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?

Alfred: A saboteur with too much money?

Batman: Stop this, Fugate! Hill committed no crime against you!

Temple Fugate: He did worse than that! He made me late!

The Last Laugh

Summer Gleeson: I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker: The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Batman: Justice will be served, Joker.

Joker: Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]

Batman: Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker: Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Eternal Youth

Mrs. Thomas: You wicked, evil--

Poison Ivy: Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don't control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! That's evil! [sprays a gas which causes Mrs. Thomas to become petrified; steals a pair of earrings] You and your kind owe Mother Nature a big debt, and I am here to make sure you pay up.

Batman: Poison Ivy. Only you would identify yourself with Demeter, the Greek goddess of plants.

Violet: [sarcastic] Hey, a high school graduate.

Poison Ivy: Actually, Batman, you and I are surprisingly alike. We both strive to see evildoers punished. But while you have your gallery of rogues, I have my grove.

Poison Ivy: Right now, the bark is merely exoskeletal. It will take months of additional spraying before the transformations become irreversible. But, of course, I have the patience of a redwood.

Batman: [snarling] And the convictions of a fanatic!

Poison Ivy: Well, if you're not going to be part of the solution, you're obviously part of the problem. Ladies?

[Ivy's henchwomen begin to spray Batman with the growth formula]

Poison Ivy: This spray is triple-strength, Batman! It will start the transformation without any preliminaries! [Nothing seems to happen to Batman as he unties his hands] He should be sprouting leaves by now!

Batman: [Unties his hands and stands up, blocking the spray with his cape as he advances] You made your secret too accessible, Ivy! I coated my outfit with a herbicidal antidote!

Poison Ivy: Keep spraying! [Violet and Lily back away, still spraying, but Batman subdues them both]

Poison Ivy: And I thought you believed in justice!

Batman: Justice, yes, but not the vengeance of an ecoterrorist. You're as destructive as those you punish.

Two-Face Part 1

[Dent's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to supposed lack of reliable evidence]

Dent: No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID!!! He can't overturn! The fool! HE'S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!

Bruce Wayne: [tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behavior doesn't run well with the voters-

Dent: LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!!

Rupert Thorne: Harvey Dent?! I will find some way to blackmail him.

Candace: But how? Dent is so clean he squeaks.

Rupert Thorne: Every good man has something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Rupert Thorne: [Reading Harvey's file] Listen to this boys. Says here that when Harvey was a little boy, he was bothered by a bully. Everyday the bully would bug him after school, until one day little Harvey got so mad, he slugged him one.

Thorne's Thugs: Oooh.

Rupert Thorne: Of course, the bully ran away, which made little Harvey very proud. Until he heard that the bully was in the hospital.

Candace: That was some punch.

Rupert Thorne: [chuckles] That's what Harvey thought. Except the guy was in the hospital for appendicitis. [chuckles again] But poor Harvey felt so guilty, he never showed his anger again. And that was the start of Big Bad Harv.

Dent: What do you want?

Rupert Thorne: Just a few favors from the D.A.'s office.

Dent: You're dreaming.

Rupert Thorne: Otherwise, as a concerned citizen, I'd be compelled to give this to the press. After all, the people of Gotham have a right to know the kind of person... or should I say "persons", they've elected. So, what do you say, Harvey? Do we have a deal?

(Harvey's face has contorted in building rage the entire time, but suddenly relaxes into deceptive docility)

Dent: There's just one problem...

Rupert Thorne: What's that?

Dent: [in Big Bad Harv's voice] You're talking to the wrong Harvey.

Two-Face Part 2

(Bruce Wayne is having a nightmare)

Bruce Wayne: Harvey please, let me help you!

Harvey Dent: You?! You saw what was happening! You knew that something was terribly wrong with me! I thought you were my friend! You should have been able to help me - but you didn't!

(Harvey turns around, now transmuted into Two-Face)

Two-Face: NOW LOOK AT ME!

Bruce Wayne: But I tried, Harvey. I... Harvey!

Two-Face: (Falling from a bridge to his death) Why couldn't you save me?!

(Two-Face vanishes, and is replaced by Thomas and Martha Wayne)

Thomas Wayne: Why couldn't you save us, son?

(Bruce wakes up, sweating. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper)

Bruce Wayne: What are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you've become... I will save you. I swear.

Batman: I still believe that somewhere inside that monster is my old friend.

Alfred: That may make him even more dangerous.

Fear Of Victory

Mr. Lucky: Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.

Thug: (grabs him threateningly) I ain't lost. I'm lookin' for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.

Mr. Lucky: It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Thug: You can't fix all those sports. Nobody can!

Mr. Lucky: Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope] Here. You can read, can't you?

Thug: [reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

Mr. Lucky: It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of...

[The Thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity:]

Scarecrow: ... the Scarecrow!

Batman: Change of luck, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: YOU!

Batman: You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

Scarecrow: I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days. And it will take much more than this to bring every single pathetic person in Gotham to their knees kissing my feet! [reveals a vial of his fear chemical and dangles it above the crowd]

I've Got Batman In My Basement

Mrs. Grant: You're not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?

Sherman: No, Mom! Honest!

Roberta: We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant, and now we're hiding him from some bad criminals.

Mrs. Grant: That's good, just don't make a mess.

Sherman: Mom, this is Batman. Batman, this is my mother.

Batman: Ma'am.

Mrs. Grant: Oh... hello.

Sherman: Say, Batman, you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?

Vendetta

Batman: Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Rupert Thorne: Oh, I have plenty of answers... thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?

Batman: [Using Thorne as a shield] I was saying, you'd better hope your men are very good shots. It's too hot in here. Let's get some air.

Killer Croc: Terrific. Just what I need now. The freak job in the cape.

Batman: You're no prize yourself.

Killer Croc: [strangling Batman] What can I tell you now? Being a reptile man ain't pretty... but it's got its upside. Like having the strength of a crocodile, for instance. But I guess you've learned that by now, huh? [forcing Batman into the water] The hard way. You know they used to call "Killer Croc" the meanest dude in the Wrestling Federation. Now they'll call him the guy who iced the Batman.

Batman: [flip-kicks Killer Croc really hard and gets out of the water] Don't hold your breath.

Prophecy Of Doom

Nostromos: I predict... you and I are about to become rich as pigs!

Lucas: No one could've predicted Batman would spot me. Not even the great Nostromos. Besides, how do you know Wayne survived?

Nostromos: The news said he got off the elevator right before it fell, you pathetic amateur!

Lucas: Well, you didn't predict he would die, exactly...

The Forgotten

Bruce: What is this?

Smith: If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

Alfred: [Alfred flies the Batwing to the tracking device's location] This must be the place! Bring us down!

Batwing Computer: Negative.

Alfred: [pressing buttons madly] But Master Bruce is down there! We have to land!

Computer: Impossible. Area too confined.

Alfred: [pounds the console] Land, you bucket of bolts!

Computer: Your funeral.

Alfred: Oh, dear...! [The Batwing flies down abruptly. Bruce, escaping the mine, sees the Batwing fly over]

Bruce: [Smiles] Son of a gun!

[The Batwing reaches a flat area near Bruce and lands. The cockpit opens.]

Computer: Watch your step.

Alfred: [tumbles out, dazed] I-I-I claim this land... for Spain. [collapses]

Mad As A Hatter

Jervis Tetch: [Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.] Of course, intellectually I know it's wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I've created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But...that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No...not my Alice.

[Batman has cornered Jervis Tetch, who just subdued Alice with her mindcontrol card and is at a dinner table with him]

Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter: I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.

Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

The Cape & Cowl Conspiracy

Commissioner Gordon: Look up "slippery" in the dictionary and you get Josiah Wormwood.

Batman: (About the Bat-Signal) Got a new toy, I see.

Gordon: I figured it might come in handy.

Perchance To Dream

Bruce Wayne: [Looking down off the ledge, preparing to jump] You're wrong! There is a way out!

Mad Hatter: Now, now wait just a minute! You don't want to do anything foolish! This isn't an ordinary dream! What if you're wrong?!

Bruce Wayne: THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!!

Batman: WHY? Why did you do it?!

Mad Hatter: You, of all people, have the gall to ask me that? You ruined my life! I was willing to give you whatever life you wanted, JUST TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MINE!

The Underdwellers

Batman: I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts to decide. But this time - this time - I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!

The Sewer King: Lesson number one is - NOOOOO TAAAALKING!!!!

Night Of The Ninja

Kyodai Ken: [Throwing Bruce] Don't be depressed, Wayne-san. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

Sensei: [Leaps across room and throws Kyodai] There's always someone better, Kyodai.

Batman: His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin: Yeah? How good?

Batman: [Quickly] Good.

Robin: I see.

The Strange Secret Of Bruce Wayne

Two-Face: Get outta my face, clown!

Joker: Which one?

Strange: Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face: That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

Joker: And people say I'm crazy!

Tyger, Tyger

Dorian: I want to test Tygrus' reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I'll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman's mutation.

Batman: How do I know you'll keep your word?

Dorian: You don't. The clock is ticking, Batman.

Batman: So you can talk.

Tygrus: My father taught me.

Batman: Your father was a test tube.

Dreams In Darkness

Batman: "There's always time to heal", the doctor told me, but he was wrong. There was no time left. Not for me, not for him, and not for Gotham City. And as long as I remained trapped in Arkham, there was nothing I could do, except wait for the end and remember the beginning.

Scarecrow: An entire city, screaming in fear... I wonder if we'll be able to hear it...

Beware The Gray Ghost

[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]

Bruce Wayne: I'd like the Gray Ghost.

Store Clerk: [smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.

Wayne: You said you had everything.

Store Clerk: Except the Gray Ghost! Nobody has it! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives all went up like kindling, real shame.

Wayne: So the Gray Ghost doesn't exist?

Clerk: Not anymore. Sorry, pal.

[Simon Trent gives Batman a film reel with the key to the mystery]

Simon Trent: Here's your answer, take it and go!

Batman: I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for.

Simon Trent: I'm not the Gray Ghost!

Batman: [coldly] I can see that now.

Batman: Gray Ghost... want to help me out with this?

Gray Ghost: Uh... sure.

[They approach the Batmobile, but freeze when they hear more of the bomb-carrying toy cars approaching.]

Gray Ghost: Drive!

[They both jump into the car and speed away, evading the first wave of cars.]

Gray Ghost: More of them, and they're gaining on us!

Batman: Try the green switch.

[The Gray Ghost does, releasing an oil slick that causes the last of the cars to spin out of control and detonate harmlessly.]

Gray Ghost: Ha-hey, we did it, partner!

Simon Trent: [looking around the Batcave] This place is amazing! It's just like...

Batman: The Gray Ghost's Lair?

Simon Trent: It's almost an exact replica.

Batman: Let me show you something else.

[Taking Trent to a small corner of the cave, Batman turns on a light, and Trent gasps to see a small "shrine" of Bruce Wayne's old Gray Ghost memorabilia.]

Batman: As a child, I used to watch it with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Simon Trent: [sighs] So it wasn't all for nothing...

[At the launch of the Gray Ghost videos]

Bruce: As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Gray Ghost: Really...

Bruce: And he still is.

Cat Scratch Fever

Selina Kyle: Don't tell me you're my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?

Batman: "Viral Antitoxins". For a plague that doesn't exist, yet, but if the plague is introduced via stray dogs and cats, it will blanket Gotham City within weeks!

Roland Daggett: Days, actually. You know how many strays there are in Gotham, Batman? Three hundred thousand! Imagine if even a tenth of them carried the virus. Not only will this little bottle make me a hero, it'll make me a fortune as well.

I Am The Night

Batman: Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred: How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice--

Batman: I've put out a few fires, yes. Won a few battles. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: You seem quieter than usual tonight.

Batman: Every year I come here and wonder if it should be the last time, if I should put the past behind me, try to lead a normal life.

Dr. Thompkins: Santayana says, Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

Batman: He also said a fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts while losing sight of his goal.

Almost Got 'Im

Joker: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin: That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker: No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face: Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.

Killer Croc: Huh?

Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but--

Joker: Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker: Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! [as Two-Face crushes a milk carton] Uh, no offense, Harv.

Two-Face: Just deal.

Killer Croc: Well, ya know what I think?

Joker: Not the robot theory again...

Killer Croc: Well, he could be.

Two-Face: Poison Ivy...

Poison Ivy: It's been a long time Harvey. You're still halfway decent.

Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy: And what's the other part want?

Two-Face: To hit you with a truck!

Poison Ivy: [to the others] We used to date.

Penguin/Joker: Ah.

Moon Of The Wolf

Anthony Romulus: (after a wolf howls, Anthony starts transforming) Ohhh, you fool! There's no telling what the werewolf might do!

Professor Milo: Hey, ask me if I care.

Batman: Do me a favor, shaggy: stay down!

Terror In The Sky

Batman: Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Alfred: Present company excluded?

March: (confronting Batman with a tranquilizer rifle) My new serum could be even more powerful than Kirk's!

Batman: (after disarming March) COULD be? What do you mean?

March: I needed to test it, but before I had the chance....

Batman: (clearly surprised) You mean you haven't taken it?

March: Of course not! The experimental batch was destroyed. I'll have to....

Batman: Destroyed? How?

March: I'd been working through the night. I was just completing the final combination.

(as March continues, dissolve to flashback of March's lab as he drops the beaker of mutagen upon Francine's surprise entry)

March: Francine burst in. I was startled. You have to understand I was very tired, I accidentally dropped the beaker. The whole night's work, ruined! Francine never guessed what I was doing, she even helped me clean up the mess. All that....glass!

(in the flashback Francine licks her finger after it is pricked by a small shard of glass before scene dissolves back to present)

March: Oh my Lord, Francine, the mutagen...it's in her bloodstream now!

(March breaks down at his folly as Batman loads tranquilizer into a pistol of his and then gives March the formula paperwork)

Batman: Is that what it's going to take? Your daughter's life, before you end this insanity?

Christmas With The Joker

Joker: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [he then jumps onto the giant Christmas Tree which is actually a rocket] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

Robin: And you really think [the Joker]'s gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scum spend the holidays with their families.

Batman: He has no family.

Robin: All right. We go out on patrol and if there's no sign of the Joker, we come back home, have Christmas dinner, and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

Batman: You know, I've never seen that movie. I could never get past the title.

Dick Grayson: Come on, Bruce. You're gonna love It's a Wonderful Life. It's a great movie.

Bruce Wayne: It's not relentlessly cheery all the way, is it?

Dick Grayson: No. It's about a difference one man could make to a city. Sound familiar?

[At the Christmas with the Joker show]

Joker: Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And since I don't have one of my own...

Laugh track: Aww...

Joker: I decided to steal one!

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman: [watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon: You diseased maniac! I'll-- [Joker gags him again]

Joker: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Summer Gleason: Help! Somebody please help us-- [Joker gags her again]

Joker: Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock: When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your-- [Joker gags him again]

Joker: I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

Heart Of Steel Part 1

Bruce Wayne: And what have you got there?

[Barbara takes a teddy bear out of her purse]

Barbara Gordon: Oh, this is Wubby. I've had him forever. Dad won't pick me up at the airport without bringing him along.

Commissioner Gordon: [blushing] Well... he knows the way better than I do.

Alfred: [After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman: Of course.

Heart Of Steel Part 2

Randa: You have immobilized the maker.

HARDAC: His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.

HARDAC: The maker's concept was sound, but he did not go far enough - which is why I have taken over.

If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?

Edward Nygma: (Being cheated out of the sales of his game) You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!

Mockridge: Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]

Riddler: That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman: I don't believe in fate!

Riddler: You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

Minotaur Robot: I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman: [pauses in thought] That's simple: the human brain. [The Minotaur backs away] It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Riddler: A lucky guess, that's all! But it won't save you, Batman! [to the Minotaur] DESTROY THEM!

Joker's Wild

Poison Ivy: [as Joker changes the channel in the TV] Hey, I was watching that!

Joker: And now you're watching this!

Poison Ivy: Change it back!

Joker: Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy: Guard!

Security Guard: What's the problem?

Joker: Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy: He started it. I was just sitting here.

Joker: That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight!

Cameron Kaiser: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Joker's Wild!

Cameron Kaiser cuts ribbon and unveils a casino with a gigantic Joker head

Summer Gleason: That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen!

Cameraman: Uh, Summer, we are on the air!

Summer Gleason: [mortified] Oops...Uh, Mr. Kaiser I must ask, why this theme?

Cameron Kaiser: Why not, Miss Gleason? The Joker has been for a long time associated with cards and games. I cannot help it if it bears a passing resemblance to...some criminal fruitcake.

His Silicon Soul

Rossum: You don't understand. You're not a man's mind in a robot's body. You're a robot. Period.

Bat-Duplicant: You're lying! It's not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!

Rossum: You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?

(Batman falls down a mammoth hole in the Batcave and disappears)

Bat-Duplicant: NO!! I've taken a life!

Batman: [about the duplicant] Could it be it had a soul, Alfred? A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless.

Off Balance

Talia: My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I'm as helpless as you.

Batman: I don't do helpless.

Ra's al Ghul: So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

What Is Reality?

Batman: "Where does a 500 pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" "How do you stuff five elephants into a compact car?"

Alfred: Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the trunk.

Batman: I know. But riddles are the Riddler's forte. Not corny old jokes like these.

Alfred: Maybe it's a commonality between them. For example, they all seem to involve animals.

Batman: Also numbers. A 500 pound gorilla. A millipede, meaning a thousand legs. And five elephants. Now, let me convert them into Roman Numerals [he does, revealing the letters DMV] DMV...

Batman and Alfred: Department of Motor Vehicles!

Riddler: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales. It all makes sense when you add it up!

[In the Batmobile]

Alfred: Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman: Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

Alfred: And "copper" is another name for a policeman.

Batman: And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Alfred: Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make "cents" when you add it up!

Batman: You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.

Riddler: The name is Riddler! Edward Nygma no longer exists! You might recall that he was fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and still should have remained one!

Batman: Attempted homicide is never a "private matter", Nygma.

Riddler: But it would've been if you hadn't interfered and turned Nygma into a fugitive! So I deleted Nygma! Just like I'm about to delete you, Batman!

Batman: Don't you remember Riddler's final clue? If the planet were aquitable, I'd still have my old job.

Robin: Of course! If the World's Fair, I'd still have my ex-position. Oh, gimmie a break.

The Laughing Fish

Alfred: (seeing Batman with a Joker Fish) Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman: (sighs) The dissection tray, please, Alfred...

Joker: We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.

Francis: A... Arrangements?

Joker: [drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course! This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design! So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?

Francis: Err... your fish?

Joker: [smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!

Harley: [sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony! [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better!

Joker: As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle! So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.

Francis: No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.

Joker: But they share my unique face! Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches!

Francis: I can't help it, it's the law!

Joker: Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya?! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves, laughing madly]

Francis: Uh, Batman, why is this happening to me? I've never done anything to this Joker. I'm just a paper-pusher, I can't change the laws. I'm harmless.

Batman: And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr. Francis.

Batman: Feeling all right?

Francis: Oh, sure. It's just that everything's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me...

Batman: (to Gordon) GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!

Batman: (After injecting anti-venom into Francis's system) He'll be all right once the anti-venom kicks in.

Bullock: (scratching his forehead) I don't get it. We all breathed the gas and we're not smiling.

Batman: He didn't want us. That gas is one part of a binary compound. The Joker exposed Francis to the other part when he threatened him this morning.

Joker: Poor Harley. This caper's been kinda rough on you, hasn't it?

Harley: [whimpering] Mmmm-hmmmm.

Joker: Well, cheer up! You can be my very own mermaid!

Harley:[delighted] Ohhh!

[Joker forces a fish costume on her while laughing hysterically]

Harley: You're real sick, ya know that, boss?

Joker: [nodding] Mmmmm-hmmmm!

Joker: You're right, Harley, fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Ha! Talk about a "Happy" Meal!

Harley and Ivy

Joker: No, we didn't get the diamond! The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum! I had a great shot at him, too. Except... my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!

Harley Quinn: But puddin', it was kinda funny watching you shoot at him with the bang flag! [Rocco and Henshaw can't help laughing then stifle it as the Joker glares at them]

Joker: [turning back to Harley] Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny?!?

Harley Quinn: [Ivy trips the alarm, spoiling Harley and Ivy's separate robberies] Nice going, butterfingers! Why not turn on the Bat-Signal while you're at it?

Poison Ivy: I wasn't trying to get caught!

Harley Quinn: Could've fooled me! Hey, aren't you that plant lady Poison Oaky.

Poison Ivy: Ivy! Poison Ivy!

Harley Quinn: Sorry! Harley Quinn, please to meet ya!

Poison Ivy: No man can take us prisoner! (Her tire suddenly blows out, forcing their car off the road)

Renee Montoya: (Holding a shotgun) Alright, ladies. Raise 'em.

The Mechanic

The Penguin: [furious at his men for stealing the wrong stamps by mistake] These are terrible! Terrible!

Eagleton: [indignant] Come on, boss. Give me a break. We got you the stamps. What more do you want?

The Penguin: [tossing the worthless stamps angrily] I wanted the rare ones! The reversed Audubons! These aren't worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine.

[The Penguin puts Rundle on a rubber duck-shaped boat, headed for a whirlpool]

Rundle: Um, excuse me? Where will this take me?

The Penguin: On a sea cruise.

Earl Cooper: [sees the damaged Batmobile] You been letting the kid drive again?

Robin: Ha ha. Actually we were playing chicken with a penguin.

Batman: Or three of his men.

The Man Who Killed Batman

Joker: You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid. No body. No batus delecti so to speak. We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.

Murphy, Joker's henchman: Make sure what, boss?

Joker: (surprised by Murphy's question) Why that old Batsy's bought the cave of course, and one more thing Murphy.....(turning more annoyed) don't ask stupid questions.

(Joker pushes Murphy to the hyenas who scratch and lick him crazily, to Joker's satisfaction)

Harley Quinn: I'll get the mop.

Joker: When the cops come, stall them for awhile, just until Batman arrives. (with extra emphasis) Got it?

Henchman: Right, boss.

Joker: (to Murphy, still scarred from the hyenas) Any questions, Murph?

Murphy: No sir!

Joker: (to Sid The Squid) Good man. And if Batman hasn't really gone to his final reward, we'll see that he gets there!

Joker: Where IS [Batman]!? He's never been this late before! There's a certain rhythm to these things. I cause trouble, he shows up. We have some laughs, and the game starts all over again. (glares at Sid) Only now, thanks to you, (pouts) I this terrible feeling that he's really not coming...

Harley Quinn: (wearing lavish jewelry) Whee! Look at all the pritties!

Joker: Put them back, Harley.

Harley Quinn: Oh, Mr. J. You're such a kidder. You never could...

Joker: I said put them back! (smacks Harley)

Harley Quinn: (gets up and picks up the dropped jewelry) Sure, boss. I can do it. This is me puttin' 'em back. No problemo. He he he...

Joker: Without Batman, crime has no punchline.

Joker: Dear friends, today is the day the clown cried.

(Harley begins sobbing)

Joker: And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream: the dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today.

(Harley continues sobbing)

Joker: How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that! Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face, or an exploding whoopee cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile.

(Harley's sobbing becomes more hysterical)

Joker: But those dreams were dashed (starts getting angry) by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst.

(Harley and Joker's henchmen quietly step away from Sid The Squid)

Joker: The cowardly, insignificant goneth who probably got lucky (Joker becomes angrier) when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him! This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats! (Joker holds his violent scowl for a second, then suddenly becomes cheerful again) But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look ahead, to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again, just as soon as we take that man there and slap him in that box there, (Joker now becomes vengefully happy) and roll it into that vat of acid there! (The hoodlums place Sid into the coffin, and Harley Quinn plays "Amazing Grace" on the kazoo as the coffin starts moving into the acid vat)

Sid: (as his coffin rolls off) No! No! I never meant to do it! Help! This isn't funny anymore! Would it help if I said I'm sorry? I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry!

Joker: (After Harley finishes her kazoo solo) Well, that was fun! Who's for Chinese?

Zatanna

Zatanna: What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?

Zatanna: (About Batman's mask) What happened that made you put this on?

Batman: A painful memory, and a promise.

Robin's Reckoning Part 1

[Robin and Batman are doing a stakeout]

Robin: If I knew it was going to take this long, I would've brought my homework. You sure about this extortion ring?

Batman: [Looking at the construction site through bincoculars] Uh-huh.

Robin: It's been four hours.

Batman: Uh-huh.

Robin: You still think they'll show?

Batman: Uh-huh.

Robin: Lucky for me, you're such a good conversationalist.

Batman: If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very...grumpy. You don't want to see me when I'm grumpy.

Robin's Reckoning Part 2

Tony Zucco: I'm not back in town five minutes - five minutes - and he's on my tail. You don't know the Bat. He don't let up! He's the dark angel of death, man, and he wants me!

Mick: ... Why you, boss?

Zucco: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!

[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]

Tony Zucco: No, don't! Please...

Batman: Robin! Enough. [limps towards him] You can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Robin: Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You don't know how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!? [Batman looks at him, and Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. [after he sees the police coming, Robin seemingly readies to throw Zucco off the pier but simply throws him to the ground. The cops arrive and arrest Zucco.] You were right, you know, not bringing me along. You knew I'd take it too personally.

Batman: It wasn't that, Robin. It wasn't that at all. Zucco's taken so much, caused you much pain. I couldn't stand the thought that he might... take you, too.

Robin: [putting a hand on Batman's shoulder] Come on, partner. It's been a long night.

Birds Of A Feather

Batman: Wherever you go, I'll be right behind you.

Penguin: Precisely where you belong.

Batman: He wasn't with them?

Penguin: That's right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day, I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Blind As A Bat

Penguin: Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don't think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You're blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.

Batman: You've got one right.

Alfred: You have a call on your private line.

Bruce: Then let's go!

Alfred: In your condition, sir?

Bruce: If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me...

[he knocks over a lamp]

Alfred: Indeed.

Penguin: [contacting Mayor Hill's office from the Raven] Quite a machine, this Raven. Amazing what its communications equipment can do. Don't you agree? You've received my instructions?

Mayor Hill: They arrived by messenger this morning. You know, one-hundred million is a a lot of money. It'll take time to raise that much.

Penguin: You're stalling, Hill. Obviously, you're not taking me seriously. I've warned you not to make that mistake. Apparently, I'll have to show you why.

[shuts off communication and Hill angrily snaps his pencil in half]

Mayor Hill: Just what I was afraid of. According to the controllers office, we can't come close to putting that ransom together. Not without shutting down basic municipal services.

Detective Bullock: So what other options do we got?

Batman: None, gentlemen.

Day Of The Samurai

[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]

Kairi: [In Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

Yoru: If you see Batman, tell him I have great respect for him.

Bruce: Why? He's as much a ninja as Kyodai was.

Yoru: Not so. Batman offered to help his adversary, and a lesser man would have used the secrets of the Onemuri touch against his opponent. Batman is the essence of samurai, Wayne-san. You would do well to remember that.

Bruce: [bows] Domo arigato, sensei.

See No Evil

Lloyd Ventrix: See you 'round, Batman! Too bad you can't say the same!

Batman: Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Ventrix: So what if it is?! I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

The Demon's Quest Part 1

Ra's al Ghul: As Napoleon told me, "A strong will can fuel a frail physique."

Ra's Al Ghul: Look at it, detective. One of the last of the rain forests. The world depends upon its oxygen, yet the rich see only profit in its destruction. You, who belong to the over-class, have much to answer for.

Batman: Bruce Wayne donates millions of dollars a year to preserve these forests.

Ra's Al Ghul: Which are being depleted at the rate of 120,000 acres a day. Does your money solve this problem? No! It will take more than wealth. It will take power, and I fear, ruthlessness. Humankind must be forced to serve the planet instead of its own appetites.

Batman: And you're the one who'll do the forcing?

Ra's Al Ghul: I am... qualified, yes. But I may not have sufficient lifetimes left to me.

The Demon's Quest Part 2

Ubu: Infidel!

Batman: If you only knew how sick I am of you calling me that!

Ra's al Ghul: The material of the Pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the Earth's surface only in certain key places. Even now, my people are placing bombs, such as that one, over the various Lazarus Pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.

Batman: Orpheus.

Ra's al Ghul: Precisely. And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each Pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus Pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman: But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's al Ghul: Actually, Detective, we have counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, would you not agree?

Batman: Yes... I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Read My Lips

Batman: How do you think I found this place? The phone book? I had help. Inside help.

Scarface: My premonition! I knew I was right! Which one of you louses is it?!

Rhino: It ain't me boss!

Scarface: I know it ain't you, Rhino! You're too stupid to be a traitor!

Rhino: Thanks, boss.

Scarface: But whoever it is, they're gonna pay big time! Who is it?! You don't talk, you get the ultimate massage!

Batman: And if I tell?

Scarface: Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Batman: Tempting, but no.

Scarface: Have it your way. Rhino!

[Rhino gets ready to pull the lever to lower Batman to a pit of mannequins with razor-sharp fingernails]

Batman: Hold it!

Scarface: This is gettin' old, Bats. Last chance, who's the traitor?

Batman: Him! The Ventriloquist!

[everyone glares at the Ventriloquist]

Ventriloquist: No, no! He's lying! I told you when he came into my room!

Scarface: So what? Maybe you did 'cause I had ya cornered. Heard ya talkin' to Batman.

Batman: [uses his own ventriloquism to imitate the Ventriloquist] Shut up, you blockhead!

Scarface: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Ventriloquist: It wasn't me! I didn't say that! My lips didn't move!

Scarface: So what?! You're a ventriloquist! You're also a lyin' yellow liver-bellied two-face!

Ventriloquist: No, Scarface! I'm loyal! I'd never!

Batman: He's been feeding me information, in return for legal protection. [imitates the Ventriloquist again] You're going up the river, sawdust-for-brains!

Scarface: Why, I oughta...! Waste the floor-flusher! Come on, I gave an order! ICE HIM! DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!

Gangster: But, boss, we ventilate the Ventriloquist, your, y'know...

Scarface: I'M SURROUNDED BY TRAITORS!! Okay, fine. Ya want something done right, do it yourself! [aims his gun at the Ventriloquist]

Fire From Olympus

Stavros: Please! It's not what you think. I wasn't going to say anything. Honest!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!

Stavros: No!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: To the depths of Tartarus with you!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.

Clio: [annoyed] You're doing it again, Max.

Zeus: You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.

Clio: You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he'd been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike...

Zeus: There's a cynical edge to your voice I don't appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?

Clio: No one is above the law, Max.

Zeus: I make my own laws!

Shadow Of The Bat Part 1

Bruce Wayne: [indignant after reading about James Gordon's arrest] We'll see about this.

Barbara Gordon: So Batman can't help me? Fine. Let's see what Batgirl can do!

Shadow Of The Bat Part 2

Two-Face: Don't get wise with me, Mason. Remember who got you set up as Gordon's assistant?

Gil Mason: Right, Harvey, right.

Two-Face: [grabs him] Don't call me that! It's Two-Face to you, pretty boy!!

[Gil Mason is about to murder James Gordon to become commissioner, and later mayor]

Gil Mason: It's business, Jim. Nothing personal. Matter of fact, I respect you, I do. But a fellow has to take his opportunities where he finds them. And with you out of the way, I'll be mayor inside of a year!

Gordon: You're sick, Gil! [glances at Two-Face] A lot sicker than him! At least I can see his bad half!

Mason: Sorry you feel that way. At least you won't have to worry about Barbara. I'll take good care of her. She's very fond of me, you know.

Gordon: You piece of scum!! I may not be able to stop you, but I know someone who will!

Mason: I wouldn't get your hopes up. You see, there's been a recent decline in the bat population...

Mudslide

Clayface: [After civilians flee in terror upon seeing his true form] That's right, run! Run for your measly lives! Run from Clayface!

Clayface: You've upstaged me for the last time, Batman. Time to bring down the curtain!

The Worry Men

Veronica: If ever someone led a worry-free life, it's you, Bruce Wayne.

Mad Hatter: (preparing a guillotine) As the great Lewis Carroll said: "One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

Paging The Crime Doctor

Rupert Thorne: You think you iced the Batman, huh? Heh heh heh... Not on your best day, Jake! I'd cover my back if I were you.

Bruce Wayne: Bruce Wayne, Dr. Thorne. Thomas Wayne's son. Did you get my letter?

Matthew Thorne: Yes. Thomas Wayne...

Bruce Wayne: I told you I can help with your legal costs, maybe even put in a good word with the judge.

Matthew Thorne: Yes, but what do you get out of it?

Bruce Wayne: Well, there is something you can do for me.

Matthew Thorne: I knew it! I knew there'd be a catch. Sorry, Mr. Wayne. Matthew Thorne is no longer for sale!

Bruce Wayne: I'm not looking for any illegal favors.

Matthew Thorne: What then?

Bruce Wayne: Something you know. Something only you can give me. [pause] Tell me about my father.

Dr. Thorne grins and camera pans out as he has a cup of coffee with Bruce

House and Garden

Batman: She's done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video - even paid the late fee.

Alfred: Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?

Batman: I want to believe it. Why can't I?

Batman: [of Poison Ivy's plant monster] He wrecked my car, Alfred. Between two guys, that's real personal.

Sideshow

Killer Croc: You know, there's something the brains back at the joint didn't think about.

The Prison Guard: Yeah, what's that?

Killer Croc: Crocodile has the strongest jaws of any animal around. (Bites the handcuffs in half)

The Prison Guard: (Spits the coffee out of his mouth and pins Croc with the shotgun) Get back!

(Batman arrives with his shadow. Goliath wakes up and Batman covers Goliath's mouth by calming him down)

Batman: Calm down, I won't hurt you. I'm just looking for someone: half man, half crocodile. (Goliath looks over worriedly) He's in there, isn't he?

Goliath: (Pushes Batman to the cage) No! Stay away! (Holds him against it) He's one of us. Croc, run!

Batman: (Kicks Goliath into the stomach) I don't wanna hurt you.

Goliath: Don't worry, you won't. (Hits Batman with the big punch and Batman and Goliath starts fighting)

Killer Croc: (Comes out of the house) You. (Gives Batman a spear)

Billy: Richard, help!

Avatar

Lucius Fox: Without a doubt, this will be one of the best museum exhibitions Gotham City has ever seen. You can be quite the humanitarian on occasion, Bruce. It's commendable. It's inspiring.

Bruce: It's deductible.

Bruce: You've got a serious priority problem, Ra's. What can be in that tomb that's more valuable than the love of your daughter?

Ra's Al Ghul: Power, detective.

Trial

Two-Face: Basic fifty-fifty option. You get him off, you both go free. He goes down, you take the fall with him.

Mad Hatter: Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman's attorney?

Two-Face: Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes... but I lost the coin toss.

Scarface: Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Mad Hatter: Hang him!

Harley: Shoot him!

Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!

Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker: GUILTY!

Harlequinade

Robin: Are you sure you don't need help keeping Zippy Longyapping here under control?

Batman: I'm fine! Besides I need to give Gordon's men to get any leads of a signal if there's any trouble.

Robin: You got it!

Harley: I wanna listen to the radio.

Batman: Don't! (Harley deploys a parachute, causing the Batmobile to swerve wildly. When the Batmobile stops, Batman is furious)

Harley: Oops!

Batman: Listen, and listen good! You don't touch anything, say anything, or DO ANYTHING UNLESS I TELL YOU! GOT IT?!

Harley: Yes sir!

Batman: (turns away, Harley begins making faces at him) So far Joker hasn't been seen in one of his hideouts. I want you to show me the last place he escaped. (catches her making a face, which she replaces with a sheepish grin)

Harley: Okay!

Joker: Instead of taking you, the cops, and the Batman down separately? I'm gonna blast you all at once! (takes out his phone and speaks into it) Send down the plane, boys! We're blowing town! Literally. (gets off the phone)

Mayor: But all those innocent people...

Joker: Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punchline! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Batman: You're just lucky to be here Harley. Joker wouldn't have been here to pick you up.

Joker: Quiet.

Harley: You were gonna pick me up, were you?

Joker: Of course, pumpkin. It's just... well, here you are. And I thought I'd save myself a trip.

Harley: But what about our friend!? What about Ivy and Two Face and Hat Guy and Lizard Man and...

Joker: What about them?

Batman: Not to mention your pets!

Harley: The babies! We can't forget the babies!

Joker: (shoves Harley into the plane) I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go!

Harley:(Points the gun against Joker) Freeze,clown!

Batman:(Run with Robin near Harley) Quinn, stop!

Harley: He's mine, Bats!

Joker: You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts.. Not in a million years, would you..

[Harley pulls the trigger - and a flag that reads "Bang!" comes out of the barrel. The Joker stares at her for a moment, and throws his arms wide to embrace her]

Joker: Baby, you're the greatest!

Bane

Thorne: You almost didn't get paid. You're lucky these diamonds didn't get nabbed in the smuggling bust.

Bane: No, Mr. Thorne. You are the lucky one. (He punches the punching bag across the room)

Bane: Toys. You try to fight me with pathetic little toys. You've got nothing! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!

Batman: Never.

Bane: You are beaten! Now I will break you!

Second Chance

Batman: Harvey, pull yourself!

Harvey: I can't!

Batman: Drop the coin. Drop it! Save yourself.

Harvey: I don't know what to do, the coin won't tell me!

Batman: It can't tell you anything. I switched coins when you grabbed me.

Robin: (Swings and kicks the thugs out of Batman's way) Good thing I decided to tag along after all.

Batman: It's a trick coin. It'll always land on edge. It's your decision now, Harvey: Life or death; the coin or me.

Harvey: (seen in half shadow, making him appear to once again be Harvey Dent instead of Two-Face) Bruce? Good ol' Bruce. Always there, you never give up on me.

(Bruce Wayne pat on Harvey, and the guards takes him)

Dick: He's right. You're always there for him.

Bruce: Yes, just like you're always there for me.

Dick: Hey, what are friends for?

Riddler's Reform

Riddler: He's right, you know.

Thug: Who?

Riddler: Batman. He is going to catch me... sooner or later.

Thug: Gee, boss, you're scaring me. You're talking kinda crazy.

Riddler: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board - all of them! There's only one person who's ever been able to challenge me: Batman! He's the only one worthy of the game!

Thug: But you said sooner or later he's gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?

Riddler: I'm never going back to Arkham! So I guess there's only one thing to do!

Riddler: [ranting in a cell in Arkham] It's impossible, I tell you! Impossible! My trap was perfect! How did he do it?! I have to know! Somebody tell me! It's not fair! There was no way, I tell you! No way he could have gotten out! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT!! I HAVE TO KNOW!! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Baby Doll

Robin: [Watching episodes of Baby Doll's old TV show] You remember when Poison Ivy had us tangled up in those vines? The ones with the REALLY big thorns?

Batman: Yes.

Robin:[Gestures at TV] This is worse.

[Baby Doll goes after at Batman in a fun house tunnel maze]

Baby Doll: Game's over, Mr. Batman! I WIN! [Batman fires his grappling gun, knocking the doll-gun down a slide] No fair! [ runs to retrieve it, and stumbles into a room full of fun-house mirrors. Picks up the gun, wandering through the various distorted reflections, until she comes to one that shows her as an adult] Look! That's me in there! The real me! There I am! [touches the reflection, and her face changes] ...But it's not really real, is it? Just...made-up and pretend, like my family, and my life, and everything else! [Turns to face Batman, who stands behind her] Why couldn't you just let me MAKE-BELIEVE?! [fires at mirrors, and cries after breaking mirror with adult reflection. Batman approaches her] I didn't mean to...

Time Out Of Joint

Mayor Hill: You! But how did you get past...

The Clock King: Good evening, Mayor! Nice to see you again too. And whose life are you ruining now? A poor pensioner? A malnourished orphan, perhaps?

Batman: It's a shame that you've decided to keep this device a secret.

Dr. Wataki: It would seem that the world is not quite ready for it yet.

Robin: Gee, that's too bad for Fugate. I'm sure he'll wish he had something to make the days pass quicker where he's going.

Harley's Holiday

Scarecrow: I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!

Harley: Hi, Professor Crane!

Scarecrow: [Smiling fondly] Good evening, child. [To Batman and Robin, furiously] Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear!! [Guards take him away]

Robin: I think he's getting better.

Harley: I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over or blow me up! All I wanted was a new dress - and I actually paid for it!

Make 'Em Laugh

Dispatcher: Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.

Batman: It's going to be one of those nights.

Condiment King: So long, suckers! Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow. (Batman yanks away his loot bag) What's this? Ah! The big bad Bat-guy. I knew you'd ketchup to me sooner or later. How I relished this meeting. You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman. Let's see if you can cut the mustard.

Batman: Quiet! (He punches the King in the stomach)

Condiment King: (Slumps to ground, gasping) You hit me!

Buddy's agent: I don't get it. Buddy's just thrown his entire career away. The network's canceling his show and the restaurant's suing him for a million dollars. Why did he do it? It just doesn't make sense.

Batgirl Returns

Catwoman: Bats are just mice with wings, little girl.

Batgirl: So, what are you going to do? Leave us over one of these vats with acid burning through the rope?

Daggett: (Laughs) If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you crime-fighting types are very resourceful. So, I'll just have my men shoot you and throw your bodies in the vats.

Lock-Up

Scarecrow: Don't take me back there, please! Look at me, Batman! I'm shaking with fear! Me! The Scarecrow! I wasn't even going back to crime this time! I just had to get away from... him!

Lyle Bolton: I'll take it from here, Batman. Lyle Bolton, Chief of security. Congratulations, Professor Crane. You're the first inmate to escape Arkham under my charge. (He grabs Crane by the collar; Crane whimpers) You're also the last.

Bartholomew: Ms. Quinn? Do you have any complaints against Mr. Bolton?

[Lyle Bolton sneers threateningly at Harley]

Harley Quinn: I got nothing to say.

Bartholomew: But surely you must have something you wish to--

Harley Quinn: You got a hearing problem or something?! NO! NADA! IXNAY! ZERO! ZILCH! BUPKES! NOTHING! OKAY?!

Jonathon Crane: He says scum like us must be kept in line! That's why he chains us down at night and electrifies our doors!

Scarface: He held me over a can filled with a termites! You hear me?! Termites!

Harley Quinn: He's an animal!

Ventriloquist: A monster!

Jonathon Crane: Keep him away!

Lyle Bolton: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!

[The guards retrain Lyle Bolton, he kicks the table, resists the guards and attack and them; he threatens to kill the inmates, and Bruce Wayne trips him with the chair]

Lyle Bolton: You're all scum! You should be beaten within an inch of your misbegotten lives!

Bartholomew: I've seen enough! (Pounds the gravel) Lyle Bolton, you're dismissed!

Lyle Bolton: Before I came here, Arkham was a revolving door for every maniac in Gotham. I kept them in! ME! Now I realize I was wrong to punish those pathetic miscreants! THEY'RE ONLY SYMPTOMS! YOU'RE THE CAUSE! THE GUTLESS POLICE, MINDLESS BUREAUCRATS, AND CODDLING DOCTORS! YOU SHOULD ALL BE LOCKED UP IN A CAGE WITHOUT A KEY!!!

Lock Up: I could have rid Gotham of the fools in city hall and the police department. We could have made our own order!

Batman: I was born to fight your brand of order!

Lock Up: If that's your decision...!

Deep Freeze

Grant Walker: Do you realize that in your half-frozen state, you will age more slowly than an ordinary human? You're practically immortal, my friend!

Mr. Freeze: Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell! What a miserable joke.

Grant Walker: Miserable to you, but a godsend to me. Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I'm an old man. I've created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have. To become, like you, a being of blessed, eternal cold.

Mr. Freeze: You're insane.

Grant Walker: Only you know how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are. What I long to become!

Mr. Freeze: (grabs him) You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see but never touch? (drops him and turns away) Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.

(Dick recovers from hypothermia)

Dick: Man, if I spent more time in that immersion tank, I'd be growing gills.

Bruce: I'm just glad I was able to get you back here in time.

Dick: Thanks. For a while I thought I'd end up like Walker, trapped in a ice cube forever. What about Mr. Freeze? Do you think he's gone for good?

Bruce: I'm not sure. But if Freeze's condition has made him truly immortal... we may not have seen the last of him.

The Terrible Trio

Warren: Is this all you do for kicks, Bruce? Charity work?

Bruce: Well, I do have a night life.

Batman: Scoundrels like these are worse than the Joker. At least he's got madness as an excuse!

Showdown

Sheriff: Well, well. Jonah Hex, his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain't killed nobody nor set nothin' on fire. Slippin', ain't you?

Jonah Hex: I'm still a little bushed.

Sheriff: Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tired, just all used up.

Hex: Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the right lights, of course, and it's a big plump fly.

Hex: Let's you and me dance.

Duvall: You cannot defeat me. I am a Heidelberg fencing champion.

Hex: My heart's all a-flutter.

Duvall: Five thousand in gold, take it. Leave me be.

Hex: It ain't about money, boy. It's about justice. And I aim to serve you some.

Duvall: Let me live, please!

Hex: I will. Only because it's too much trouble to haul your stinkin' carcass back east.

Ra's al Ghul: Come now, detective, I've still a few good years left. We will cross swords another day. But for now, let me take my boy home.

Catwalk

Catwoman: What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you - breaking and entering is against the law.

Batman: You should know.

Scarface: I thawt I thaw a putty tat!

A Bullet For Bullock

Alfred: We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?

Montoya: Bullock? You okay? You don't look so good. I mean, you never look good, but today you look worse.

The Lion And The Unicorn

[Alfred breaks a chair over a thug's head.]

Robin: And here all I thought you dusted was furniture.

Alfred: A Louis Quinze; what a pity.

Alfred Pennyworth: [after being drugged with a truth serum] You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam. I come from haunts of cootenfern and knicker sudden Sally. Uh... dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum, and bicker down the valley.

Red Claw: And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.