Artemus Ward (April 23, 1834 – March 6, 1867) was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, an American humorous writer.

Quotes

  • I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
    • Fourth of July Oration.
  • The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
    • Fourth of July Oration.
  • I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
  • Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
    • Artemus Ward, His Travels, The Census.
  • The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
    • London Punch Letters, No. 5 (1866).
  • Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
    • Moses, the Sassy.
  • He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."
    • Moses, the Sassy.
  • Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with.
    • Science and Natural History, Letter VII to Punch, part of the Artemus Ward in London series (22 October 1866).
  • The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
    • A Mormon Romance, ch. 4.
  • They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
    • At the Tomb of Shakespeare.

Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)

  • I now bid you a welcome adoo.
    • The Shakers.
  • ...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
    • The Shakers.
  • My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.
    • The Crisis.
  • The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.
    • The Crisis.
  • N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
    • A Visit to Brigham Young.
  • The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
    • Woman's Rights.
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