Animal Crackers is a 1930 film in which mayhem and zaniness ensue when a valuable painting goes missing during a party in honor of famed African explorer Captain Spaulding.

Directed by Victor Heerman. Adapted from the play written by George S. Kaufman, Morrie Ryskind, Bert Kalmar, and Harry Ruby.
The maddest comics of them all!

Captain Spaulding

  • [to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.
  • [singing] Hello, I must be going.
    I cannot stay, I came to say,
    I must be going.
    I'm glad I came, but just the same
    I must be going.
  • [to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old Moslin. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!
  • Friends, I'm gonna tell you of the great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
  • Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine! Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat...Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers...Six of the biggest tigers...I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen.
  • The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'.
  • One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say, tusks. You try that some time...As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks.
  • I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.
  • Take the Professor's hat and coat and send for the fumigators.
  • You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.

Others

  • Signor Emanuel Ravelli: [about playing bridge] How do you want to play...honest?

Dialogue

Guests: Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorrer?
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Guests: He put all his reliance
In courage and defiance
And risked his life for science.
Spaulding: Hey, hey!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: He is the only white man who covered every acre...
Spaulding: I think I'll try and make her...
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: You are one of the musicians, but you were not due until tomorrow.
Ravelli: Couldn't come tomorrow, that's too quick.
Spaulding: Say, you're lucky he didn't come yesterday.
Ravelli: We were busy yesterday. But we charge just the same.
Spaulding: This is better than exploring. What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: Oh, for playing, we get ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate: that's'a fifteen dollars an hour.
Spaulding: That's for rehearsing?
Ravelli: That's for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we don't play. And if we don't play [snaps fingers], that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just the cover charge. [Laughs with Mrs. Rittenhouse.]
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let's see how we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn't come. [to Mrs. Rittenhouse] You remember, yesterday, we didn't come.
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yeah, that's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars.
Ravelli: Yes, that's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable, I can see that all right.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That's, uh...
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow, we leave. That's worth about...
Spaulding: A million dollars.
Ravelli: Yeah, that's all right for me, but I gotta partner.
Spaulding: A partner?!
Hives: (announcing) The Professor!
[the paintings have all been recovered]
Hennessy: [to the Professor] You'd better come with me, young fellow!
Spaulding: Don't take him away, Officer! He returned the paintings. [the Professor shakes Spaulding's hand] Pardon me, my name is Spaulding, and I've always wanted to meet you.
Hennessy: ...All right. I'll let him go this time. [the Professor shakes his hand] But I want to give you some advice: you're running around with the wrong kind of people! Do you want to be a crook? [the Professor grins and nods, startling Hennesy; Ravelli and Spaulding both roll their eyes] Now, why don't you go home?
Ravelli: He's got no home.
Hennessy: Go home for a few nights, and stay home. [the Professor nods, removing his left hand from his belt and letting it hang, Hennessy claps him on the right shoulder gently] Don't you know your poor old mother sits there-
[he is interrupted by clanging noises as stolen silverware falls from the Professor's sleeve]
Hennessy: Sits there, night af- [more silverware] Night after night. [more silverware] Waiting to hear your steps on the stairs.
Ravelli: He's got no stairs.
Hennessy: And I can see a little light, burn- [more silverware] Burning in the window.
Spaulding: No you can't, the gas company turned it off.
Hennessy: Now, what I'm telling you is for your own good- [more silverware] And if you listen to me- [more silverware] You can't go wrong- [he is cut off completely by a crash as a particularly large bunch of silverware hits the floor]
Spaulding: This may go on for years.
Hennessy: Now, there's just one th- [He is once again cut off by the silverware]
Spaulding: I can't understand what's delaying that coffeepot. [the Professor shifts his arm, and a coffeepot falls out of his sleeve] Where's the cream?
Hennessy: Well, you've certainly surprised me!
Spaulding: Me too; I thought he had more than that!

Cast

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