The Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad

(Scratch and Grounder are hidden, on the point of setting up an ambush for Sonic and Tails.)

Scratch: I'm ready, are you ready?

Grounder: Ready! ... Um... Tell me what I'm ready for.

Scratch: Spring the trap!!

Grounder: I knew that! (springs the trap)

Dragon Breath: Hey, lady! Which way is the bounty hunters' convention? (Lady screams and runs away) Hmm! People aren't very friendly in this town. Guess I'll just have to find it myself. (walks through the wall)

(Sonic and Tails have been listening)

Tails: What's a bounty hunters' convention?

Sonic: A party for bad guys, Tails, and I'm gonna crash it!

Robotnik: I've called you all together because you're the worst assortment of low-life mercenaries I've ever made! You're mean! You're malicious! You're my kind of rotten! (Crowd cheers) Ever since I launched my genius plan to conquer the planet Mobius, one troublemaking teenager has made me tear every hair from my beautiful head! (takes out a remote control and presses a button, which causes a curtain behind him to open, revealing a photo of Sonic. The crowd boos in response.) You took the words right out of my mouth! I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!! (looms toward the camera, revealing the word 'HATE' written on his teeth, which promptly shatter) He ruins my schemes! (The crowd boos again, including Sonic, who has snuck inside.) He escapes my traps! (The crowd and Sonic boo again, with one spectator throwing a tomato at the Sonic photo behind Robotnik.) He helps nice people! (his head opens up, revealing a flag bearing the word 'Booo!' on it. The crowd and Sonic boo on this cue.) But no more, no more! I am hereby declaring Sonic the Hedgehog as Mobius' most wanted fugitive. (pushes a button that causes the word 'WANTED' to appears above the photo of Sonic's head) To ensure his immediate capture, I am offering you the biggest reward in bounty hunter history... (presses a button that makes the words 'REWARD 1,000,000,000!!' appear on the Sonic photo) ...1,000,000,000 Mobiums, alive or otherwise.

Sonic: Question from the crowd.

Robotnik: What is it?!

Sonic: I'm worth way more than that.

Robotnik: THERE HE IS! GET HIM! I WANT THAT HEDGEHOG!

Sonic Whoah!!

(Robotnik pulls a green, orange, and blue lever, seemingly neglecting to pull a red one.)

Scratch: You forgot to pull this one! (pulls the red lever. Robotnik reacts negatively to this, his head turning into a steaming train whistle.)

Robotnik: D'oh! Dahhh, I didn't forget to pull that lever! I'm not SUPPOSED to pull that lever!

Scratch: How was I to know? I was just hatched!

Grounder: Sometimes I wish Dr. Robotnik hadn't made us so persistent.

Scratch: He made me persistent; he made you too dumb to quit.

Grounder: Was that an insult?!

Scratch: Just shoot or you're going to miss your chance!

Subterranean Sonic

Robotnik: He's out there still! Mocking me with his scurrilous speed! Standing between me and my dream of total domination of Mobius!

Scratch: [turns on the light] Are you talking about Sonic?

Robotnik: TURN OFF THAT LIGHT!!! Can't you see I'm brooding?

Scratch: Oh yeah, sorry. [turns it off again]

Robotnik: That's better. As I was saying, I hate that hedgehog! And I want him captured NOW!

Grounder: But how are we ever gonna find him?

Robotnik: My deluxe highly-calibrated Hedgehog-omitor has picked up his trail in the Marble Zone. You leave at first light! [presses a button, activating a springy platform that sends Scratch and Grounder soaring outside]

Scratch: BUT IT'S STILL–

Grounder: ...DARK OOOOOUT!!!

Robotnik: So? I'm a little impatient.

Tails: Look at this diamondius! Can I take it with us? Huh? Can I?

Spelunk: DROP IT, FOXY! [emerges out of the shadows]

Sonic: Hey, don't scare my pal like that! Who are–

Spelunk: This is my claim, and I'll ask the questions! And my question is: ya got any lasts requests, afore I let ya have it? [holds a match to a cannon]

Sonic: Yeah, two requests. Show us how to get out of here, and two dozen chili dogs, with extra onions and cheese, to go!

Spelunk: Chili dogs?! Forget it! Do ya know how much chili dogs cost?! Money don't grow on trees, ya know! You're just like the rest of them - want something of mine for nothing! I got a right mind to blast ya! [aims the cannon at Sonic and lights the fuse]

Sonic: In that case, gotta roll, troll! [speeds away]

Spelunk: STOP! Ya thievin', trespassin, lootin' no-good varmints!

Sonic: [runs back to him, annoyed] Hey, you've got us all wrong! We're freedom fighters!

Spelunk: Looks to me like you're freeloaders! And I don't give nothin' for free!

Robotnik: Shut your brass beaks, you chrome cluckers! Remember, you are my Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad! A TEAM! So stop this arguing immediately!

Sonic: You're making a big mistake, Spelunk! Haven't you ever heard of Dr. Robotnik? The nastiest villain in the history of Mobius?

Spelunk: Nope!

Sonic: Let me guess - you don't get out much, do you?

Spelunk: Nope!

Sonic: Don't you realize a terrible villian is about to destroy this entire place and steal everything you've got?!

Spelunk: Nope! Don't pay no nevermind to current events!

Sonic: Hmm. Maybe you should consider a career in politics.

[After stopping Robotnik, Scratch and Grounder from stealing Spelunk's treasure]

Spelunk: Good riddance to bad eggs! I never met such unpleasant, rotten, miserly, selfish jerks in my life!

Sonic and Tails: [eyeing him sternly] We have.

Sonic: But he got better.

Lovesick Sonic

Scratch: (interrogating Breezy) We have ways of making you talk, hedgehog!

Grounder: We do? What ways?

Scratch: Stupid! (smacks him)

Grounder: Oh, yeah! Right! We got stupid ways to make you talk! So start blabbin', missy!

Scratch: Tell us where we can find Sonic!

Breezy: I don't know where he is. I've never even met Sonic.

Sonic: (zooms in) You have now! (to Scratch and Grounder) Picking on a pretty lady? Don't you bots have any chivalry?

Scratch: No, but Grounder's got a real trick up his sleeve!

Grounder: (reveals a glue-gun) My new glue-gun. It'll paste your sneakers right to the pavement!

Scratch: Yeah, hedgehog! Stick around! Ba ha ha haaa! (Grounder squirts at a fleeing Sonic, missing him.) Hey, fast-draw? You MISSED! (smacks Grounder) Wait till Dr. Robotnik hears about this! Ba ha ha haaa!

Grounder: (aims at him) Not from you! I'll glue your yap shut!!

Rabbit Gardener: Congratulations. You have reached the Garden of the Mobisia Marvelosa Marigoldias.

Sonic: Whew... finally. I'm getting pooped.

Rabbit Gardener: Unfortunately, no one ever returns from here.

Sonic: And why not? (A streak of fire almost hits Sonic.) Yikes!

Rabbit Gardener: The fire dragon won't let 'em.

Robotnik: Who is this?! I can't talk now! I'm waiting for important news from the ice territory!

Polar Bear: Ah, listen up, your rottenness, Sonic was just here!

Robotnik: Haha, it's working! My sneaky, devious, underhanded scheme is working!

Scratch: Any sneaky, devious, underhanded scheme in particular?

Robotnik: Yes! My secret agent Breezy has got Sonic running in circles all over Mobius!

Scratch: Breezy is your secret agent?!

Robotnik: Of course!

Grounder: Then why'd you send us to capture her?

Robotnik: That was the sneaky part of my devious and underhanded scheme!

Scratch and Grounder: It was?

Robotnik: Yes, you dumbots! How else could I get Sonic to think Breezy is on his side?

Scratch: (after a brief silence) I knew it all the time!

Grounder: I knew it before you did!

Scratch: Great acting job I did when we captured her, huh?

Grounder: (sarcastically) Yeah, great acting. You almost had me thinking Robotnik put a brain in your head!

Robotnik: (punches Grounder, sending him flying into a wall) SILENCE!!!

Grounder: Yes, your miserableness.

Robotnik: [showing Scratch and Grounder a new machine] Well, gentlemen, how do you like it?

Grounder: Hmmm...

Scratch: Uhhh... We love it!

Grounder: Yeah, it's the best one we've ever seen!

Scratch: If we were gonna build ourselves, we'd make it exactly like that.

Grounder: Exactly!

Scratch: One question.

Robotnik: Yeeeees?

Scratch and Grounder: What is it?

Robotnik: [looks frustrated for a moment] It's my new Eggo-Matic-Tunnelizer and Town Terrorizer! [points down to a nearby village] See that lovely empty space in front of my fortress?

Scratch: Not exactly empty, your maliciousness.

Grounder: That's a whole village down there.

Robotnik: In 6 hours, that village will be gone!

Scratch: Gone?

Robotnik: Vanished! Destroyed! Obliterated! I'm flooding it! I'm going to tunnel down to the main Mobius reservoir, steal all its water, and turn that town into Lake Robotnik! (laughs evilly)

Grounder: Need any help?

Robotnik: NO!! I want you two to go and help Breezie eliminate Sonic! This is one time, I'm going to do some rottenness, and that hedgehog won't stop me!

Grounder: But what will happen to all the people?

Robotnik: In a word... they'll all be SUNK! (cackles menacingly)

Slowwww Going

Rocket: Save... us… Sonic!

Scratch: You are so dumb!

Grounder: What? What? What did I say?

Tails: I'm only 4 1/2 years old. I don't know how to write yet.

Rocket: I'm... older.

Tails: Really? What's your name?

Rocket: Rocket!

[Tails flies up to him.]

Tails: Hi, Rocket.

Rocket: I'm... the... fast... est... sloth.. .on... Mobius. Wanna... see? [grabs Tails and they drop out of the tree] See? Now... that's... fast!

The Robotnik Express

(Grounder's phone begins to ring.)

Grounder: (whispering to Scratch) Psst, Scratch, it's the Robotnik Hotline.

Big Grizz: What you say? Duuuhh... what was dat?

Grounder: My tummy rumbling?

Big Grizz: That's da strangest tummy rumbling I ever hoid.

Scratch: Not really. It always sounds like that when Tails eats onion rings. (Grounder picks up the phone.)

Big Grizz: Onion rings?! Of course! How could I be so stupid?

Grounder: Oh, uhhh... beats me. (burps while still on the phone. Robotnik hears this at his Emporium)

Robotnik: For Grounder's sake, that better have been a wrong number!

Tails: (starts teasing Scratch and Grounder) Nyah, nyah! You can't catch me!

Grounder: Why not?!

Tails: You're slow, you're clumsy, you're stupid...

Scratch: Yeah, right! Let's get him anyway! (Scratch and Grounder try to catch Tails, only to run into a wall.)

Tails: But you run into walls real good!

High Stakes Sonic

Robotnik: How dare you interrupt me now!? I want my monument finished in time for Robotnik Day!

Grounder: Woo! I didn't know there was a Robotnik Day.

Robotnik: Of course there's a Robotnik Day! I just declared it one minute ago!

Robotnik: Is my new Casino Night Zone ready?

Grounder: Uh, no...

Robotnik: No?! I spent over a million mobiums on that place! I made it a top priority! How can my new Casino Night Zone not be ready?

Grounder: Because it's locked and I have the key.

Robotnik: Well, then go open it, you nincombutt, you stupo-you miserable mess of microchips!

Grounder: I'm doing better, he didn't call me a hopeless hunk of junk.

Robotnik: And make it fast you hopeless hunk of junk!

Sonic: Oh, and tell Robotnik he has a crummy Casino. No chili dogs.

Scratch: Whoa!!! Its, its, its!..

Sonic: (as James Bond) Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog.

Scratch and Grounder: (simultaneously) SONIC!?

Day Care woman: One million Mobiums please.

Tails: But I've only been here ten minutes!

Day Care woman: If you want to complain, take it up with the management.

Tails: I will!

Day Care woman: The Management is Doctor Robotnik!'

Tails: Oh, I won't...

Robotnik: You’ll be happy to know that a thousand Mobians have staked their freedom on your victory.

Sonic: It’s a safe bet, egg-belly !

Robotnik: Not for your little sidekick. Remember : if you win, he’s DOOMED.

Sonic: You don’t honestly expect your scumbot to beat me, do ya ?

Robotnik: Honestly ? Of course not. I never do anything honestly. You must throw the race ! Then those Mobians will be my slaves.

Sonic: I can't do that !

Robotnik: It’s the Mobians or Tails! You decide! (laughs evilly)

Robotnik : (repeadly) YOU MUST LOSE THE RACE, LOSE THE RACE, LOSE THE RACE, LOSE THE RACE! MOBIUS OR TAILS, OR TAILS, OR TAILS, OR TAILS!

Grounder: That should stop it! (threw the stone down)

Sonic: I didn't mean, that the people can go too slow... (seeding the falling stone) YIKES!! GAGA-GAAAAAHHH!!

MacHopper

MacHopper: I'm free!

Robotnik: Of course you're free! I never pay any of my minions.

Full Tilt Tails

Robotnik: AHAHAHAHA! I really put one over on that rube! This sack of gold can finance a whole army of robots to trample Mobius into submission!

Scratch: You're my hero Dr Robotnik sir. You're rotten to the core, BAHAHAHA!

Robotnik: Thank you, and to show how much I appreciate you two numbskulls, I'm going to give you a tip.

Scratch: Wow, aha, great!

Grounder: Oh, boy, a tip!

Robotnik: The tip is: "always buy new shoes in the afternoon, after your feet have expanded".

Scratch: I'll, uh, try to remember that.

Grounder: Yeah, me too, in case I ever get feet.

Robotnik: I bet this nugget alone is worth...[smells it]...hmmm? Strange. It smells like...chili beans. [eats it] It IS chili beans! STALE CHILI BEANS! Covered with gold paint!

Grounder: That was a pretty tricky hillbilly.

Robotnik: Coconuts!

Coconuts: [enters room] You want me, your putridness? You want me?

Robotnik: I was bamboozled by Sonic, and it's all your fault!

Coconuts: What are you talking about?! I wasn't even there!

Robotnik: Shut up! I'm the boss, I can blame whoever I want to! I am demoting you down to mop-up duty!

Coconuts: But, but, but, but, but,...[moans]...where do I start?

Robotnik: By standing on that X!

[Coconuts walks onto a trapdoor with an "X" on it. Robotnik pulls a lever that opens the trapdoor and Coconuts falls in.]

Robotnik: Ha!

Coconuts: NOT AGAIN!

Robotnik: If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to get even with that scheme-stopping spine-headed hedgehog!

Tails: I'm NEVER in time for the fun stuff! Face it! I'm a slo-mo!

Sonic: Cheer up, kid. You're already the fastest two-tailed orange fox I know!

Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind

Spaceman Sonic

Sonic: (dressed as a cop) Let me speak to the driver.

Grounder: I'm not driving. He is!

Scratch: No, I'm not!

Sonic: Driving without a driver? Now you're really in for it.

Tails' New Home

Robotnik: Tails is ours, I'll have to give myself a promotion!

Sonic: Oops! You're in trouble, Doctor.

Robotnik: I'm never in trouble, I make trouble!

Sonic: You spelled "kidnapped" with a "C". (revealing the word "Cidnapped")

Robotnik: So? When I take total control of Mobius, that's the way everyone will spell it!

Over the Hill Hero

Robotnik: Failed again, did you?

Scratch: Why, no, your surpreme awfulness, in fact we succeeded wonderfully!

Grounder: In a kind of negative way.

Robotnik: SILENCE! YOU DUMBBOTS WOULDN'T KNOW SUCCESS IF IT BIT YOU ON THE BUMPER!

Captain Rescue: Never fear! Captain Rescue is here!

Captain Rescue: I guess my sneeze-bomb catcher went a little off course!

Sonic: A little off course?! Are you a... (sneezes) ...schmo or what?

Scratch: Whoa! He's leading them right to the cliff!

Grounder: That's military intellegence for you!

(Sonic has forced the soldier robots to march with him and each fall off the cliff in tempo.)

Sonic: (salutes) Squad! Fall out!

Captain Rescue: (to Sonic angrily) Old-timer? OLD-TIMER?! Why I was saving Mobius from bad guys when you were still a hedgehoglet!

(He walks away sad.)

Tails: I think you hurt his feelings, Sonic.

Sonic: Well! Guys like him ought to know when to quit! Robotnik would eat him for lunch!

Robotnik: Sonic has interfered in my plans for the last time!

Trail of the Missing Tails

Boogey-Mania

(Sonic is having a tribute so Tails asks his friends to be at the hero of the year awards, Tails asks Professor Von Schlemmer to come.)

Professor Von Schlemmer: Of course, Professor Von Schlemmer is a brilliant scientist, he deserves a tribute and I always wanted to meet him.

Tails: You're Professor Von Schlemmer, remember?

Von Schlemmer: I am? That's wonderful, haha! Then I can be the one to introduce me to him.

(Scratch puts the lever on the machine)

Scratch: Look what I did, I got it finished. I'm Dr. Robotnik's favorite lackey. (Professor Von Schlemmer is shown up tied on a tree)

Von Schlemmer: Well, I'm his favorite victim.

Coconuts: As soon as I saw the dreamamajig, Dr. Robotnik, I knew you'd want to know about it!

Dr. Robotnik: Indeed! If I had the machine, I could terrorize all of Mobius!

Coconuts: I guess this means I finally get my promotion, huh?

Dr. Robotnik: (shoots out of his chair) Promotion?! What for?! You should have swiped the machine and brought it to me, you nincombot!

Coconuts: Bububu... (Dr. Robotnik gives him a mop and bucket)

Dr. Robotnik: I'm demoting you to scrub monkey, third class! Now go and mop up the dungeon! (Pulls a lever and Coconuts falls into the dungeon. Then the door opens and Scratch and Grounder fall through)

Dr. Robotnik: Snooping as usual I see?

Scratch: Not me! I didn't hear nothing about Von Schlemmer's dreamamajig!

Grounder: Er... me neither! Especially I didn't here the part about the clown!

Dr. Robotnik: Stop jabbering, you dingbots! I'm formulating a plan to take advantage of this unexpected turn of events!

Grounder: And the brilliant idea is, your sneakiness?

Scratch: It's a work of genius!

Dr. Robotnik: Idiots! I haven't thought of it yet, you boot-lickers!

Grounder: Ooh. But when you think of it...

Scratch: I know it will be marvelous!

Dr. Robotnik: That's true... Ahah! I have just come up with a magnificent scheme! (points at his feet) Now you may lick my boots! (Scratch and Grounder stick out their tongues in disgust)

Scratch: Urrgh.

Grounder: (disgusted) I hate his boots!

Best Hedgehog

Robotnik: If you bring Lucas and Sonic back to me, you can name your prize - anything!

Scratch: Your Egg-o-matic hovercraft?

Robotnik: Yes!

Scratch: This fortress?

Robotnik: Yes! I said ANYTHING!

Grounder: You mean, like, like that wrench set over there?

Robotnik: (groans) Even the wrench set!

Grounder: See ya! (Gets a wrench thrown on his caterpillar track and falls face forward on the floor) I can't move!

Scratch: What are you griping about? You wanted the wrench set, didn't you? (Runs away)

Lifestyles of Sick and Twisted

Scratch: Dr. Robotnik!

Grounder: Throbbin Screech is on!

Scratch: It's showtime! Bahahaha!

Robotnik: SILENCE!! We're not watching his show; we hate his show!

Grounder: No we don't; it's our very favorite. (Scratch pounds him against the wall.) We'd rather watch reruns of Bart the Barfy Bumblebee any day.

Robotnik: I've really outdone myself this time! Remind me to award myself the Medal for Excellence in Supreme Rottenness.

Scratch: Didn't you just give yourself that award last week?

Robotnik: Well, make up a better one then!

Tails in Charge

Robotnik: Have you captured Sonic yet?

Scratch: D'oh! Tell 'im we almost had him!

Grounder: Almost, sir!

Robotnik: ALMOST?!! What kind of nincompoops are you!?!

Grounder: Uh, what kind of nincompoops are we?

Scratch: Sir, I've got a foolproof plan! This time we'll get him... my way!

Robotnik: If you don't, I'll melt you down... MY way!

Grounder: Wait until we see what Dr. Robotnik gets me for bagging that hedgehog!

Scratch: You?! You couldn't bag groceries! Give him to me!

Tails: I gotta get Sonic!

Tails: Oh, no! Badniks! I gotta go!

Scratch: Come back!

Grounder: Yeah, runt! Come back here!

[Grounder stars operating the machine but Scratch bangs him on the arm.]

Scratch: Hey! Stop shooting! If you hit Sonic, you'll unfreeze him!

Grounder: Huh?

Scratch: Doh; for the 20th time, you serve Sonic the Chili Dog real slow, so I'll have plenty of time to zap him with the stopper zapper! You got it now?

Grounder: Um....

Scratch: Grounder, you're as dumb as a rock!

Grounder: Metamorphic, igneous, or sedimentary?

Scratch: Nicoratius! (Grabs a rock and hits Grounder)

Tails: Should've worn your seat belts, fellas.

Grounder: Oh, sorry, officer! We forgot!

Tails: Well, I'll give you 2, maybe 3 years in Mobius jail to think about it.

Scratch: Now hold on!

Tails: Driving over the speed limit inside a building? That's gonna cost you, too!

Grounder: Oh, no! How much for that?

Tails: 5, maybe 10 years?

[Scratch picks up Tails]

Grounder: Scratch! He's an officer!

Scratch: Ever see an officer with two tails? [reveals Tails]

Grounder: [gasp] The fox brat! I knew that!

Scratch: Did not! You don't know anything!(Sees that Tails got away) Hey come back here you dippy little mutt!!

Momma Robotnik Returns

Judge: And who are you supposed to be? (One-shot line that has become a fad in YouTube Poop videos)

Sonic's Song

Robotnik: I detest that Catty Carlyle! She's singing about Sonic! So I've invented this radio wave locator to find her and stop her! (Machine starts beeping) There! That's where the song is coming from!

Grounder: From this machine?

Robotnik: Nooo, imbecile! That flashing light shows where the song is being broadcast from! This is where the REBL radio station is!

Grounder: (reading the note Robotnik hands him) "Single 700-pound villain looking for suitable companion."

Robotnik: Whoops! Uh, wrong paper. Give me that!

(Grounder and Scratch walk into Robotnik's fortress after failing to stop Catty Carlyle)

Grounder: (whispering) We better apologize to Dr. Robotnik!

Scratch: No, let's just go to our rooms!

Robotnik: (grabs the two) Where do you dumb-bots think you're going?

Grounder: (whispering) Ah, busted!

Scratch: We thought you were sleeping, oh gluteus maximus!

Robotnik: How could I sleep when everyone on Mobius is singing that blasted "Sonic's Song"?! It must be stopped! I've got it, I'll put an end to all music on Mobius; no humming, no singing, and no radio. (A bird lands on the tree nearby and starts whistling Sonic's Song, while Robotnik loses his temper) Argh, and no whistling! You blasted... (Bird lays an egg which hits Robotnik in the face)

Grounder: (while invading a radio station) Can I say hello to my mommy?

Scratch: D'oh, you don't have a mommy!

Catty Carlyle: [singing] Sonic the Hedgehog, you can't catch what you can't see!

Sonic the Hedgehog, he's gonna set Mobius free!

He's a teenage fugitive on the run, eating chili dogs just for fun!

Easy and Fast

Easy Eddie: Hey, this is fake money!

Robotnik: Of course, I'm a fake nice person. Throw him in the dungeon!

Easy Eddie: You'll pay for this! I can't stand dishonesty!

Robotnik: First, I place the Chaos Emerald in the activation altar. Then, I decide which part of Mobius I wish to sink into the sea, and then...

Sonic: Your old pal Sonic shows up and stops everything!

Robotnik: How did you find me you spiny spoil-sport?

Sonic: I figured Easy Eddie would bring you the ring, and once you had it, you couldn't wait to use it!

Robotnik: It's mine! Give it to me!

Sonic: No way Egg-belly, I'm taking this ring somewhere you'll never find it!

Robotnik: I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!

(After Sonic exchanges Easy Eddie for a rock, Scratch and Grounder bring it to Robotnik)

Robotnik: A rock?! You brought me a rock?! (Robotnik hurls the rock at Scratch, who quickly dodges)

Grounder: Um, it's a really nice rock, Dr. Robotnik!

(Sonic finishes pulling a thorn out of the dragon's foot and it licks him)

Sonic: Down boy, I love you too.

Robotnik: How did you do that?

Sonic: I guess you don't remember your fairy tales. The Lion and the Mouse is now The Hedgehog and the Dragon.

Robotnik: Burn him up, you big slobbering idiot! (The Dragon growls at Robotnik and drops him off of its back)

Robotnik: Uh, big nicest slobbering idiot! (The Dragon torches Robotnik with its fiery breath)

Wes Weasley: It's great to be back palsy, but you didn't have to arrange an escort. A simple message to my fax machine would have worked fine.

Robotnik: And I'll deliver a simple message to your throat!

Wes Weasley: No need to be angry, I have decided to refund your money, you say the gravity stopper didn't work right?

Grounder: Oh no, it worked fine. It was the gravity-defying net that didn't work.

Wes Weasley: The net? Well, why didn't you say so? I don't cover the net, so, no refunding needed.

Robotnik: Cheater! Rapscalion! You've sold me countless traps, and none of them work!

Wes Weasley: Correction, Robotnik, it's your two stoogebots that don't work. My machines have worked as they are supposed to.

Robotnik: You have a point, Weasley.

The Magic Hassle

Robotnik: [to Wes Weasley] GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

Zoobotnik

[Robotnik is playing with a rubber crocodile in a bath until Coconuts appears unnannouced]

Robotnik: You lame-brained knuckle-dragging dolt! How dare you interrupt me when I'm having a bath with my rubber crocodile!

Coconuts: Oh, but I only wanted to tell you I saw one of those F.O.U.s! I mean, C.I.A.s! Uh, C.O.D.s? I mean--

Robotnik: Get to the point, or your name will be M-U-D!

Coconuts: I got it! I got it! I saw a U.F.O.!

Coachnik

Coachnik: See what happened? You X's lost track of the O, because of all these other O's!

Scratch and Grounder: Oh!

Robotnik: I see that Sonic did some training of his own!

Coachnik: Don't worry Doctor, it's still early in the season. We'll be ready next time.

Scratch, Grounder and Coconuts: What? Next time? (mumbles)

Robotnik: Next time, my foot!

Robotnik: You dolt, you're just lucky the Coachnik thinks we need you!

Coconuts: This is not what I call lucky!

Coachnik: Hey! You in the truck! Come back with the rest of my player!

Scratch: But I can fly. I'm the Swan Queen! HAHAHAHA!

Robotnik: COACHNIK! You're wrecking these robots faster than I'm able to fix them!

Grounder: Dr. Robotnik, What happened to Coachnik?

Robotnik: I gave him the boot! That's what!

Coachnik: We'll see who gives who the boot! (The Coachnik's foot gets up and starts booting Robotnik)

Robotnik: Hey! What gives?

Coachnik: My foot!

Robotnik: Penalty! Call the referee! Somebody find his off switch! TIME OUT!

Robolympics

Robotnik: (self-narrating) If Dr. Robotnik can sink this final putt, he'll win the mobius tournament of champions and win the grand prize of the dictatorship of the universe!

Scratch & Grounder: DR. ROBOTNIK! (Robotnik hits his golf ball too hard and it bounces around the room wildly until it bounces off Scratch and Grounders heads and into Robotnick's mouth. He then spits it into the hole)

Grounder: Ooh, nice putt.

Robotnik: Thanks, and now I've got a nice putter for you two! (Robotnik wraps the putter around Scratch and Grounder's necks) What's so important that you had to ruin my golf game?

Scratch: Look how shiny my key is!

Grounder: My key is shinier!

Musta Been a Beautiful Baby

Scratch: I have told you once, I have told you 1,000 times...

Tails: (as a baby) Goo Goo Poo Poo.

Scratch: (confused) "Goo Goo Poo Poo"?

Grounder: No, you never said that!

Hedgehog of The Hound Table

Robotnik: (in possession of the Chaos Emerald of Invincibility) Hahahahahaha! I love being invincible!

Scratch: Personally, we could live without it.

Robotnik: Before I go back in time to get the next Chaos Emerald, I think I'll humiliate Sonic before the entire kingdom. I can't wait to see the look on that hedgehog's face when I tell him... HE'S GONE?!?

Scratch: I don't think you have to tell him he's gone, your slowness! I think he knows! Bahahahaa!

Sonic the Matchmaker

Grounder (his arm-cannon blown to pieces) Waaah! MAMAAA!!

Scratch: Oh, we don't have a mother, stupid!

Grounder: But I want a mamaaa!!!

Scratch: She's beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-tiful, Doctor!

Grounder: Yeah, she's got really big--

Scratch: Hair!

(Robotnik Jr. is feeling sad after being rejected by Breezie)

Tails: Hey, Junior. Why are you looking so sad?

Junior: I just met the coolest robot girl.

Tails: You mean Breezie?

Junior: Yeah. But she likes Sonic, not me. Look.

Breezie: (laying down with Sonic) Oh, Sonic. I don't know what I would've done without you. You're so brave.

Sonic: Well, it's just your average hedgehog heroics.

Tails: Don't worry about it, Junior. Sonic only thinks of Breezie as a friend.

Junior: (implying that Breezie is in love with Sonic) But that's not the way she thinks of him. She'll never like me as much as Sonic.

Robotnik's Rival

[Quark and Robotnik's ships have just fell to pieces after both unsucessfully tried to capture Sonic and Tails]

Robotnik: You idiot! I would've captured that hedgehog if it wasn't for you! Whoever you are!

[Quark pops out]

Quark: If it wasn't for you, you ridiculous fool, I would've gotten rid of that hedgehog!

Robotnik: Ridiculous?! What business is it of yours, anyway?

Quark: [pulls out crown and puts it on his head] Why, I plan to take over the entire planet of Mobius, and declare myself absolute ruler, of course!

Robotnik:Of course. Now, about this, uh, uh...[indistinct mumbling]...WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Quark: [pulls out poster] And when I'm through with this miserable planet, I'm building it a shrine to me, Brandon Quark, M.D., Ph. D., C.E.G.!

Scratch: What does C.E.G. stand for?

Quark: Crazy Evil Genius, natch.

[Robotnik grabs the poster and tears it up.]

Robotnik Well, it just so happens that I'm taking over Mobius, and making it a shrine to me, Quack!

Quark: That's Quark, egg boy! [jumps out on Robotnik's belly] And I've never seen anything as preposterous as you!

Robotnik: Check a mirror, duck butt!

Quark: Okay! So I had a little lab accident with a duck! But it's all just water...

Robotnik: ...Off a duck's back! [pushes Quark off] With my scientific genius, you haven't got a chance!

Quark: [looking at Scratch and Grounder] You call those wind-up toys scientific genius?! Get a load of this, egg boy!

[Quark presses a button that summons his robot, D.U.F.U.S.]

D.U.F.U.S.: You summoned me, Dr. Quark?

Quark: This is a D.U.F.U.S, Designed Unit Flexible Underling Substitute, the most powerful weapon on the planet! And now for a little demo, Robotnik!

D.U.F.U.S.: I am a prototype D.U.F.U.S., capable of 2,486 offensive modes!

[D.U.F.U.S. changes from several of his offensive modes to other modes and finally to a cannon as he speaks. His release of a big cork finds its way into Robotnik. Robotnik spits out the cork.]

Robotnik: This planet isn't big enough for the both of us!

Quark: Your belt isn't big enough for you! [He pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts Robotnik's belt, revealing his underwear. Robotnik, in embarassment, pulls up his pants.]

Robotnik: Look who's quacking!

Quark: I'M NOT A DUCK! I'M NOT A DUCK! I'M NOT A DUCK! [pause] I propose a contest. Whichever of us captures Sonic the Hedgehog shall have sole dominion over Mobius!

Robotnik: You got it! There's nothing like a fair fight.

[camera fades out, then fades in with Robotnik and Quark talking to themselves]

Quark and Robotnik: [to themselves] And this will be nothing like a fair fight! Hahahahahahahahaha!

Scratch: Okay, you better tell us what your plan is.

Grounder: Yeah, so we can stop...

[Scratch hits Grounder on the head]

Scratch: Actually, we were just curious!

Sonic: Well, it's too late, boys! We already escaped.

Scratch: Well, thanks anyway. [goes into wild take] YOU WHAT?!

Tails: We're just holo, uh, holo...

Sonic: Holographic projections. 3-D movies. We skipped town an hour ago!

Scratch: I don't believe it!

Grounder: Yeah! If you were just holo, uh, holo, uh, pictures, could I do this to you?

[Grounder grabs Sonic and Tails and throws them at the window. Sonic grabs the bars.]

Sonic: No! And thanks! Gotta run, hon! [spins and breaks the bars]

Tails: So long, battery brain! [flies off]

Scratch: [to Grounder] YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Grounder: Yeah, but you gotta admit it was a great plan! And now we know what it is!

Scratch: If they escape, you know who'll get blamed!

[Scratch and Grounder point to each other]

Scratch and Grounder: YOU!

[D.U.F.U.S. enters the prison hall scanning while Scratch and Grounder are playing tic-tac-toe.]

Scratch: Oh, I gotcha now!

D.U.F.U.S.: Where are the prisoners?

Scratch: Oh, er, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, they're still in there!

Grounder: No, they're not! They...

[Scratch grabs Grounder's tongue and ties it into a knot so that Grounder can't speak for five seconds.]

D.U.F.U.S.: That is improbable! My sensors cannot sense them!

Scratch: Well, open the door and see! [D.U.F.U.S. opens the cell door and looks in.] Oh, no! YOU let them out! Look! The cell is empty!

[Grounder chuckles]

D.U.F.U.S.: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? I refused that! I have committed an error! That is impossible!

Robotnik: The hedgehog is ours! What a team we make! Robotnik and Quark!

Quark: That's Quark and Robotnik!

Robotnik: Join me for a little gloating in Sonic's cell?

Quark: I'm inviting you to join me! [towards cell] D.U.F.U.S.! Are you there?

[inside cell]

D.U.F.U.S.: What shall I do? It's Dr. Quark!

Grounder: Lie!

D.U.F.U.S.: That is against my programming! My circuits are hurting!

Scratch: Well, once Dr. Robotnik and Quark see what YOU did, your circuits will be hurting even more!

Quark: Not performance my solar breath brings Sonic the Hedgehog dip!

Sonic: Sounds like a great party!

Tails: I'll bring the dip!

Quark: You are the DIP!

[Quark fires the solar to melt rocks and rushes Sonic from fired assaults]

Robotnik: Careful! If the solar ray touches my Darkinator, There's no telling-

[Quark fires instantly and destroys the Darkinator, making it explode]

Robotnik: [weakly] What might happen...!

D.U.F.U.S.: This failure was probable to a factor of 245,764 to 1.

Quark: Oh, can it!

D.U.F.U.S.: Of course, the mathematical probability can be altered; if you are to combine forces, the success slash failure ratio, is 4062 to 1.

Quark: Combined forces, for faster as idea!

Robotnik: That's so idea! I like it!

Robotnik: [has stopped his large tank] Why that ego-maniac! [spots sign] "Welcome to Quark Land?" [he, Scratch, and Grounder walk over to Sonic and Tails, disguised as soldiers]

Sonic: Welcome to Quark Land. You have obviously arrived to enlist in the glorious war against the inferior Robotnik. Hail Quark!

Tails: Hail Quark!

Grounder: Hail Quar... [Scratch bonks him on the head] ...OW!

Robotnik: That's it! This time he's gone too far! It's duck-hunting season, boys!

Robotnik:

Both: We hate that hedgehog!

Untouchable Sonic

Grounder: Who?

Scratch: Bert Who!

Grounder: Bert Who?

Robotnik: You got it!

Grounder: Oh, I got it! Bert You Got It!

[Sonic is dressed up as an older woman and he's just reached Robotnik's tank]

Sonic: [in womanly voice] There you are, young man! Your mother told me I could find you here!

Robotnik: My mother?!

Sonic: Yeah! She wanted to know how you were doing on capturing that pesky hedgehog!

[Robotnik begins to stutter]

Sonic: No excuses! If you haven't captured him yet, I'll have to report to her immediately! [walks over to telephone and picks it up] Momma Robotnik, please. [messes up wiring in the tank]

Robotnik: Please! No! Don't call her now! I'll do anything!

Sonic: Young man! Are you offering me a bribe if I don't report to your mother?

Robotnik: Yes!

Sonic: I'll take it!

Grounder the Genius

Tails: Hi, Hacker. Whatcha doin'?

Hacker: Hiya, Tails. [to Sonic] Sonic, just taking a peak at someone's program.

Tails: You mean you can get into someone else's computer?

Hacker: They haven't made the system I can't crack!

Sonic: So what are we waiting for? Get crackin'!

Hacker: Almost done!

Grounder: Ha, ha! You're not done! You're done for!

Mad Mike, Da Bear Warrior

[Sonic has just finished altering Robotnik's giant statue]

Sonic: Ladies and gentlement, I present to you...[in bear voice]...da bears!

[crowd cheers]

Attack on Pinball Fortress

Sgt. Doberman: 50 mile run through the swamp, soldier! MOVE!

Trooper: Aw, gee, Sgt. Doberman!

[Robotnik's stupidity ray, attempting to hit Sonic, hits the trooper instead.]

Trooper: Oh, yes, sir! Great idea, sir! This'll be fun!

Sgt. Doberman: [thinking] Hmmm. A new stupidity ray. I could create a whole planet of my kind of soldiers!

Wes Weasley: [thinking also] Hmmm. A new stupidity ray! I could create a whole planet of suckers!

Sgt. Doberman: I volunteer to join the mission! With my military experience, we will be certain to beat the pinball fortress!

Wes Weasley: No! I volunteer! My company sold Robotnik most of the traps in the fortress! I know how to get through them!

Sgt. Doberman: Get lost, snake oil! We don't need you!

Wes Weasley: What we don't need is a throat-necked grunthead!

Sgt. Doberman: Oh, yeah?

Wes Weasley: Yeah!

[the two begin fighting again]

Tails: What do you think, Sonic?

Sonic: I think, between Robotnik and these guys, we're all in big trouble!

Sonic Breakout

Robotnik: (After noticing that Sonic was outside his window) THE HEDGEHOG'S RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!!!! SSSSSS Squad! Arrest him!

Sketch Lampoon: If it cracks me up, it ought to be in Crack-Ups!

Robotnik: Get in there! You’ve interfered with my plans for the last time! Halt to your pose! I have piles of evil to perform now that Sonic’s out of the way starting with...

Sketch Lampoon: Sonic! Boy, am I glad to see you?

Sonic: Why? Because your cell is crumbling all around you?

Sketch Lampoon: No. Because if I had to draw one more panel of Robotnik's life story, I'd have gone cuckoo! (Sonic rushes with him and Tails out of the crumbling prison complex.) But now I'm free to work on "Humpty Dumpty 2", and I'm going to make Robotnik look really stupid!

(The three have made it outside as the prison complex explodes.)

Sonic: Actually, Mr. Lampoon, I don't think you can make Robotnik look any stupider than he already is!

(All three laugh as Robotnik starts crying.)

Robotnik: HELP! HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! (cries some more) I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!