College Material

Chuck: Flunking out? I wouldn't worry about it. Could be the best thing that ever happened to you. I used to pay $3,000 a year to go here, then I flunked out. Now they pay me $3,000 a year to come here. Who do you think got the last laugh there?

Del: Now we're gonna flunk out and my mom's gonna be disappointed in me. This is just like high school. Except I didn't flunk out. And I didn't have any pubes. And there wasn't a guy across the hall mowing his carpet.

Stomach Pump 2000

Del: I can't believe you failed your remedial math class.

Sanford: It's not my fault, the teacher hates me. Okay, I'll have one asparagus, and one asparagus, and one asparagus, and one asparagus. How many is that? Eleventy-blue?

Doctor: If you followed instructions, you would have skipped those chapters and you wouldn't be behind the rest of the class.

Joe: That doesn't make any sense.

Doctor: Doesn't it? I mean I'm asking you, because I'm totally lost here. I took so many painkillers this morning I can't even think straight.

New Friends

Sanford: Here's a classic, what's the capital of Taiwan?

My Name is Todd W.

Todd: Will you marry me?

Swanson's Sister: I could never marry you, you're an alcoholic!

Todd: I'm not an alcoholic.

Swanson's Sister: Alright, you're really ugly.

Todd: That I can accept.

Dean: My God! I can't believe a drunk just fell out of a window. This college is turning into Hyannisport. The students' RA is going to get the chair!

Todd: Uh, I'm the RA.

Dean: [to himself] You see, this is what happens when you have to hire based on quotas. Damn albino pressure groups.

Del Gets Sick

Del's Mom: Oh, Del, my sick little boy. I brought you your favorite comic books.

Del: [groans] But I don't like Archie. I want She-Hulk. She's large and in charge.

Del's Mom: [bitterly] Just take it, ya freckin' idiot!

Del: Mom, you told me when someone swears, an angel dies.

[cuts to Joe holding a piece of bread on a stick]

Joe: For the tenth time I'm not your mom!

Del: Joe? [groans] What happened?

Joe: You've been in a delirium for five days because of your dumbass friend.

Todd: Quiet! Theres a safety announcement! Apparently someone let the dogs out, but they don't know who.

Fraternity

Swanson: Homeslice. It's a cool street name, like Poop Dawg or P. Diddle or Gary. Wow, that's like the coolest name ever. Well, except for Coolie McCool, The Emperor Of Cooltown.

Del: You mean girls go to the bathroom?

Swanson: They pee out of their butts!

Del: But that's where babies come out!

Coke Addicts

Sanford: I have this penny, but I'm gonna put it on the train tracks. Then I'll sell it for TWO pennies. Then I'll just repeat the process until I have more money than Jesus!

Midnight Del

Dean: Barter is one step closer to being just like Yale! Now all we need is a secret society with homo-erotic hazing rituals. I mean, besides ROTC...

Dean: [as he's trying to sleep] La-la-la-la, I can't hear that. There's no yelling. I'm in charge here!

Joe Gets Expelled

Dean: Young man please, you're in library, people are trying to hook up.

Del: That's the coolest poster of Jesus I ever saw. It glows just like he did.

Sanford: But where's his flamethrower?

100 Yr. Old Man

Sanford: Dude, look at his skin! Have you ever seen an elephants ass?

Del: Why?

Sanford: It's huge! Anyway, lets get back to the old guy...look at his skin!